a year ago...

A year ago today I found out I was pregnant. I had no idea that my new journey would be almost as difficult as the one trying to get pregnant in the first place.  The only reason I put it so close to the struggle of infertility is because of the fear of losing my baby during our preterm labor scares!

It was a long hard road all around to get here but look at that face. Like seriously! Look at it. I, like every other mother thinks my child is the cutest little nugget in the entire world!!!  And when he smiles or giggles... Its just too much for one smitten momma to bear!

So as I lay here, 30 pounds heavier than this time last year, half the strength than I used to have, my back trashed, and more chins than I care to think about, I listen to my baby sleeping, little baby snores and all, and I know it has been all worth it.

I've been awfully discouraged in the whole getting back in shape thing so it's good for me to remember WHY my body looks the way it looks right now. I fought hard and sacrificed my body to keep my little man safe! And I wouldn't change it for the world!

I still love my stretch marks.  And my cesarean scar.  I feel very much like they are my battle wounds and proof that I would do anything for my baby. And when it comes time to do it again, I will. Gladly. The c-section really was nothing in the grand scheme of things!  It is a major surgery, but it you are smart about it, it doesn't have to hold you back. I've had no Ill side effects from it. Yeah, it can be a little tender from time to time. And my muscles are pretty dang weak. But it hasn't kept me from doing any of the things I did prior to Mason. So I'm totally OK with having another csection down the road!!!  It will be safer for me and for baby...if we are luxcky enough to conceive again.  I'm not cured of infertility and I am not willing to put in the same effort I did before.. At least not at this juncture.

But there's plenty of time to think about that later. For now, I'm gonna enjoy my little man I worked so hard for.  Get my body back to peak condition. And just bask in this whole motherhood thing.  Because it is everything I dreamed of and more. Even the times when mason just cries nonstop for hours. Its still so much better than the big, silent, empty house I had before!

Thankful!!!!!

Ok now for a more upbeat post. I meant to do this on thanksgiving but time got away from me.

We all know what I'm thankful for this year.  It's no secret.  I'm so thankful Mason made it into this world safely. I think that is why I don't give 2 shits about my "birth experience." Or, even my pregnancy experience.  I had a harder time with that emotionally just because I felt like we couldn't catch a break. But now, I don't care.  It's not what I wanted but who gives a rats ass when it resulted in having a healthy boy.  This year was tough...but not nearly as tough as infertility or spending another childless Christmas! And at least I have my rainbow at the end of that very long storm.

So with that said, my thankful list for 2014.

I'm thankful for Mason. Period.

I'm thankful for all the morning snuggles, giggles, and smiles he gives me.

I'm thankful that he looks to me and G when he's hurting, even when there is nothing we can do to help.

I'm thankful for my hubby waiting on me hand and foot through bed rest. And for him helping me keep somewhat sane this year.

I'm thankful my marriage was strong enough to withstand infertility. Not all of them do.

I'm thankful for my parents for so many reasons. Without them, we wouldn't have been able to do ivf so soon. We would not have little man this Christmas.  And they came down a lot to help me while I was on bed rest, even when my mom wasn't feeling super well.

I'm thankful for my friends who took time out of their busy lives and visited me constantly in the hospital or at home and never minimized anything I was going through.

I'm thankful for my workout partner and that I am back at it!

I'm thankful kari and I were pregnant at the same time!  It helped a lot to be able to talk to her.

I'm thankful for all the amazing love and support I recieved through infertility, ivf, and pregnancy. I had a lot if supporters and I will never forget all the messages, calls, texts and visits.  And I hope I can repay everyone when they are going through rough times.  Or pay it forward.  It makes such a difference knowing people care.

I'm thankful for my haters. They give me more motivation to succeed! ;)

I'm thankful for my willpower and determination in everything I do.  I just need to work on the "patience" part.

I'm thankful for what I do for a living. Even though art is not a reliable or consistent source or income, and even the money I do make from it is minimal, I love doing it and it allows me to make my own schedule, which, in turn, allows me to be home with Mason when I need to be!!!

I'm thankful for our 5 little snowflakes (frozen embryos) that are waiting for us!

I could keep going but I'll just end with the fact that I'm thankful for this life I've made for myself.  It's not perfect.  But what would be the fun of that? I love my family. I hope to add to it someday but if Mason is all we get, I will be happy and thankful!

Happy (late) Thanksgiving!  Now time for Christmas decorations!!!!

Jealousy.

Let's talk jealousy for a minute. We all have times in our life where we feel jealous of someone. Or of a situation.  But how we handle that jealousy is a big test of character.  If you knock someone down because you are jealous..well, then you kinda suck.  A lot.  I like to handle my jealousy as blatently as possible. A perfect example would be when I was on bed rest, my best friend was working out every day without me. Was I jealous? Hell yes. How did I handle it? I told her, "hey, you suck and I'm totally jealous! And also, I love you and you are kicking ass!  Can't wait to work out with you again!" Easy peasy! 

Another situation I'm kind of jealous of; my brother lives in the same town as my parents. Their kids will get to have a super close relationship with their grandparents and get to see them pretty much every day.  Of course they will be close to Mason too, but they won't get to see him every day or even every week. I'm also jealous of the free childcare. So yes, I'm totally jealous. BUT how I handle that is to be happy for all of them!!!! What an awesome thing for all of them to be so close and to get to spend that time together.  And I also focus on my situation. While we don't have consistent free childcare, I get to hang out with Mason more than if I could go back to working like I was before. Yeah, money is super tight this way but we make it work and I am thankful for my time with little man!  And my parents come visit Mason and vice versa when possible. 

I'm also jealous that I don't get to just "try for another kid" when we are ready.  We have to first pay off all our hospital bills then save up $4500 just for a chance!  I'm jealous of those people that get to have smooth pregnancies.  How I handle this? I think about how awful infertility is and how hard a scary pregnancy is and how could I ever be upset that someone doesn't have to go through that? I would not wish that on anyone!  And I focus on how utterly grateful I am to even have Mason!  Words can't express my gratitude!

It's easy to overcome your jealousy when you focus on the things you have going for you in your life.  Yeah, we all have things we wish could be different, but we also have some good things going too!  People need to stop focusing so much on other peoples lives!

What you don't do when you are jealous is put them down or make it seem like they don't deserve what they have.  Now I won't claim to be perfect all the time. Jealousy is not an easy emotion sometimes.  But I strive to be a good person every day. I try to encourage people and be happy for them when things are going well for them...even when they aren't going well for me.  I read something earlier today that said to pay attention to the people are happy for your happiness and sad for your sadness. And to embrace those people.  It's so very true!  While I was going through infertility and then got pregnant, I found out a lot about who those people are. It seems like a few got that backwards. Always seemed to thrive on my sadness then put me down when I was happy. Fucked up.

Now what I need to do is to not let those jealous assholes get to me so bad.  I won't lie. It really bothers me when people say mean things just because they are jealous.  I need to let it go and just take it as a compliment. I'm really working on that. I guess I'm just uber sensitive.  

Now that I got that off my chest, I need to work on my happy post!  Tomorrow is thanksgiving so I will be doing a thankful post!!! But now its sleepy time!  Good night!!

Things.

Mason is getting so big!!! I remember looking at some of the clothes he's wearing now and thinking they were huge! I have an entire giant bag full of clothes he's outgrown! Just blows me away!  He's smiling more and holds his head up better. Still hates tummy time and will insist on rolling right back over onto his back! Lol! We've tried him in his bumbo but he's not quiiiite ready yet. But very close. He's so amazing!!!!  Definitely worth every tear I shed waiting for him.

He is on prevacid now. Still dealing with some reflux issues.. And some days are still pretty bad.. But now there is a difference in his cries.  Before, he only had one cry...and that was his "pain" cry. That's the one that was tough to handle! Nothing helped.  But now he's starting to have an "I'm bored" cry or "I need to change positions" cry. Still lots of spit up but th fact that we are getting more smiles out of him makes me happy. We're slowly getting there!

In other news...

You know that gotta talk workouts, right?  Lol. I am feeling so stuck. I know my body is changing but I still am not feeling it! But I will keep chugging along. I keep seeing slight progress is my performance so I just need to focus on that. Not the scale. Not my pants size.  I will eventually get back to where I need to be. Something's gotta give!!! Cuz I don't know what else I could possibly do! I'm eating well. Lifting. Getting cardio in! Drinking water.  Sleeping as much as I can. Regardlessly, I know everything I am doing is good for me so I will continue to do it!  As many of you know, when I have a goal in sight, there's no stopping me! Its balls to the wall, bitches!!!

And lastly, I am having a hard time trying to get work in. People try to tell me that I am so lucky that I "don't have to work full time."  Here's the thing about what I do. I put in a LOT of hours with a relatively small payout. And that's for both tattooing and painting. If I were to go back to work, I would work all the time just to pay for child care. I don't have free childcare. Yes. My in-laws live in town and can take Mason once in a while for a few hours in the evening but they both work full time.  So the best thing for us to do is for me to work part time and watch Mason during the day. I try to work at home when I can (on drawings and paintings) but a painting that would typically take me a day or 2 is now stretched into 2 or 3 weeks.  Let me clear. I'm not complaining because I love spending my days with Mason! But doing the part time thing has its struggles just like having to go back to work full time does.

OK. I think i covered everything I wanted to talk about! Good night!!!!

Progress?

I've been debating putting these up.  I've felt super discouraged the last few days.  And I feel like I'm just getting fatter, despite working my ass off.  I know I'm not. I think I'm just having a week.  So I think it is probably a good idea to post these.  I've been hitting it pretty hard for a month now.  And I need to remember that it's only been a month. My body has been through a lot in the last year and I need to be nice to myself.  There is definitely a difference.  Not only in how I look, but my performance.  I'm doing pushups on my toes again.  I can do some tricep pushups.  My squats are getting deeper.  I'm not modifying as much.  I need to remember these things.  

The top pic is my belly a few weeks after Mason.  The bottom pic is after the first month of Insanity.

Same here.

Memories, Workouts and Reflux

I recall a day last year that was the first day I actually considered being done with fertility treatments. I bet I could even find it in my old blog of I cared to look. I had just found out my 3rd or 4th IUI failed. I tried to take it in stride and was going about my day normally. When I got home for the day, I was washing dishes (Garrett was running errands) and all of the sudden, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I dropped to my knees, right in the middle of the kitchen floor and began sobbing.  Then proceeded to beg God to give us a child because I was just so tired.

I will never forget that day.  I wanted to be done. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted the desire for children to go away.  I wanted to be done with the repeated failures. I wanted holidays to be fun again.

Somehow, I kept going. And, as you can imagine, I'm glad I did.

The funny thing about infertility is there will always be emotional baggage from it.  For whatever reason, every now and then, a pregnancy announcement will still get too me.  Baby showers still get me.  Its bazaar.  I'm not sure if I just drums up all those emotions or what but I don't think it will ever fully go away.

Anyway, on to other, happier things! I went to a 2 hour spartan workout in Helena and won the raffle for free entry to a Spartan Beast!!!! For those that don't know, that's 13+ miles with I don't even know how many obstacles!  But now I feel like I have to do it. I'm so nervous because it's only 6 months away!  Yikes! But I am going for my trifect so I will need to do a sprint, super and a beast!

My goal for this next year is to cram as much physical stuff in as I can; races, bike rides, fun runs.... Because I have a nagging feeling that if/when I get pregnant again, even if I'm not on full bed rest, I will have to take my activity level down a notch vuz of that whole "incompetent cervix" bull shit!  So the idea is to do all this fun stuff now, and of course, get my body back into shape for the next time around. I can't imagine how horrible this pregnancy would have been if I had started out unhealthy!

My workouts have been going well!!! I'm back to doing pushups on my toes, though they are very slow. I have been doing insanity and lifting. Then throw in piyo twice a week and our "punch and pull" day which consists of using our heavy bag, catching and throwing combos, and working on pull ups!  Oh and we do the 15 4's once a week, too.  We usually have 1 rest day a week unless we are particularly spent, we'll take and extra one! But overall, its been good. Frustrating at times, but I think that is probably typical for anybody at any stage of fitness.

The art stuff has been very slow going! As you can imagine, life is pretty busy and right now, my art is what is getting sacrificed right now. I would rather use my free time on my health. I know I will be able to squeeze a little more in once Mason can be set down for note than 5 minutes without flipping his lid.

This reflux business is a monster. And unless you have a kid with reflux, you have no idea what it's like. And I am not talking about "oh poor me, my kid won't let me set him down."  I am talking about how crappy your kid feels, how miserable they are and there is not a damn thing you can do about it half the time.  You can't even cuddle them because they arch their back so bad.  When he sleeps at night, I don't sleep solid because I worry about the gagging episodes! And I'm not about to set my kid down while he screams just so I can paint! Nope. I know it will get better so in the mean time, I will do what I can to ease his pain!!!!

He is starting to smile more, though, so at least he not miserable ALL day now!!!!

Fit Shaming

Let me start off by saying I have been both fat and fit. (Currently, I'm in the middle of the two, having just had a baby.) But by far, I have encountered more shaming as a fit person than a fat one. And now, getting back to the "grind" it's starting back up again in ever-so-subtle comments.

So I ask this: why the eff-bomb is it OK to comment about a fit persons body, but it is considered rude and bullying the other way around?  I'm not saying it doesn't happen. It absolutely does, and fat shaming is never OK, either!  But in my own personal experience, nobody said a damn thing when I was larger.  Oh but being fit, it's totally OK to criticize.

I've been accused of being obsessed.  I've been accused of "worrying" about being fit. People diminish my dedication, implying I have it easy by saying things like "I wish I had the time that you do to work out." (I really effing hate that one.) I've heard my friends get accused of getting "too small" or "too muscular." And then, my favorite, people saying "I'd rather spend that time with my family" as an acceptable jab questioning your dedication to family.

Here's a news flash!!! Working out and eating healthy doesn't make me think I'm better than anyone! It doesn't make me a bad mom! I have to plan out and make time for it just like everyone else who chooses this lifestyle. It's important to me so I sacrifice other things in order to make time for it.  Things I put off so I can work out still need to be done.  I don't have it easy. (Nobody does, really.)  Getting in shape is anything but easy...no matter who you are or what your circumstances are!!!! Don't downplay it!

Bottom line is that being fit coincides with the lifestyle that I want!  What you choose is your business!  And I respect that!  But just so you know, the next person that decides it is OK to put me down for working out or comment on my body (because I WILL be super ripped eventually!), I get to unload a bunch of comments about your lifestyle and body!  It's the same damn thing!  

Can't we just be happy for each others successes?!  Is it so hard to accept our differences that we need to put each other down?

Surreal

I just got done singing my son to sleep.  That is surreal to me!!!! It still just blows my mind that I have a son! Sometimes, I just stare at him with amazement!  To think that he is the one we waited all that time for. My gratitude is beyond measure.  His smile is the absolute BEST part of my day.

I was reflecting on my pregnancy today a bit.  Things could have turned out so differently. While I was pregnant, I knew it would all be worth it...but some days, I felt like I was just saying f that to make myself stick to the bed rest. Now that Mr. Mason is here, there is no doubt that it was, in fact, worth it. And I'm thankful that I listened to my body when I felt like something was wrong.  It makes me sad to think so many lose their babies due to incompetent cervix. My heart goes out to them because I just can't even imagine the pain of that.  

I am also so happy that Mason is so loved by SO many.  Even people I've never even met in real life.  He is a lucky dude!!!!  

I was also thinking today that I am so proud of myself for working so hard to get in shape again.  I don't want to be the mama who gets winded just walking across the street! I was to be right there with my kiddos, playong , riding bikes, running... All that good stuff until they are top cool for their old mama bear!  And while I get incredibly frustrated while working out, I know I'm getting stronger!  I'm back to doing some toe push ups. That was a big ego buster in the beginning because I used to rock the push ups. Going back down to knee push ups was a little tough on my confidence.  But I just have to keep reminding myself of what my body just went through. I'm just excited to be tough and fit again!  Right when I get there, that will be about the time I start looking into a frozen embryo transfer! Lol

Still Sick

It's 2:30 a.m. Little man is sound asleep. I, on the other hand am WIDE awake. In fact, I just spent the last half hour cleaning the living room. Laying down is no good right now because the cold has moved into my sinuses. Although I would rather deal with that than that horrid first few days of getting sick when you are super fatigued and have a super sore throat.

Last night was tough because all 3 of us were not doing so hot. G had a REALLY bad headache. I was super stuffed up. And Mr. Mason just had a rough day all around yesterday. He was super "refluxy." Crying a good chunk of his awake time. Lots of back arching and spit up. So I took him to bed just after 9. Best decision ever. He's still sleeping!!!  So far, that's 5.5 hours straight. Of course, I can't take advantage of it because I can't breathe when I'm laying down. But that's ok. I'm just glad he's sleeping after the day he had yesterday.  Poor little turd.

He has his wellness check today at 1 so hopefully we can figure something out for him.  I probably won't go...just because I don't want to expose all those other kiddos to what I have.

I'm getting back to my workouts today?  Though I will probably take it easy.  But maybe I can "sweat it out" a little bit. We have an all enclosed steam shower thst I never really use or appreciate until I get sick. I will most likely take another steam shower today.

The last few days makes me wish my parents lived in town. It would have been so nice to have my mom over last night to help. I hope my brother appreciates having them so close!

On another note, Mason is getting all formula now. I'm completely done pumping. It was just too much effort for such little results.  Go ahead and judge.  Lol.  Not really. I doubt anyone who reads my blog will judge. Whenever people ask me if he's formula or breastfed, I instantly get defensive.  I won't go into it all over again. You all know my feelings on that.  If people want to feel superior because they breastfeed, they can have it. Mason is no less loved. I don't feel like I'm missing out on a bonding experience.  And, probably the most ridiculous thing I've heard to date,  Mason's face is not "less attractive" because he bottle feeds.  Ugh. Ok. I wasn't going into it...lol. so I better stop before I get all worked up again. Haha!

Sick.

Being sick when a little minion is depending on you is a whole different ballgame.  I spent half of the day in tears.  There is no time to be sick. And I don't want to get little man sick. But I suppose he's already been exposed.  I'm still taking major precautions anyway.

I'm also super bummed that I'll be taking the next few days off from working out.  I know it probably seems like a ridiculous thing to be upset about but, dudes, I just spent a LOT of time sitting around on my ass.  That's the last thing I want to do.

So now, I'm pushing some serious fluids, and trying to rest as much as possible so I get better quickly.  I went over a year without getting sick so I suppose it's my turn. The lack of sleep probably knocked my immune system down a notch.  This is the ONLY way you'll get me to slow down.   Well, this and preterm labor. So I must need rest.

We have an enclosed steam shower so I'm thinking I may go use it...even though it makes me feel claustrophobic. But if it helps, I'm all about it. I'm still in the early sore throat phase of being sick. Not looking forward to the impending congestion that is inevitably coming.

Sigggghhhh....

Ah well. It's not like I'm the first mom ever to be sick. Lol. It just sucks that it's happening when little man is still having reflux issues. I just want to hold him, give him kisses and snuggle with him when he's crying. But I'm trying to keep my distance when I can to limit his exposure.

Mason's Workout

Mason getting his sweat on!!! I'm so proud!

"Everything happens for a reason. "

Why is it that people think they need to bust out the "everything happens for a reason" saying when you're going through a shit storm in your life? I LOATHE that saying now.   That could quite possibly be attributed to infertility and hearing it over and over again during a time when all I really wanted to hear was "yeah...this shit sucks." When someone is going through a divorce, cancer, the death of a family member, they don't want to hear about the reasons that this awful thing is happening. At least I didn't.  Maybe I'm in the minority here. I don't know. But to me, regardless if there was a reason or not, telling someone this during a horrid time in their life is kind of rude. Unless you can tell me the exact reason it's happening, then shut your pie hole!  I believe sometimes we are dealt a hand in life that is just shitty. Period. And we handle them the best we can and try to look at the bright side.  If you believe everything happens for a reason,  that's fabulous. Good for you! Maybe wait until people who are dealing with heavy stuff have had time to at least process their situation enough to think of what those reasons may be.

Ok. End Rant.

Little Man is 2 Months!!!!

Mason is officially 2 months today! I can hardly believe it!  It's still hard to believe that he is real sometimes. I wonder if that feeling ever wears off...?  I took him for a walk today with a friend in the rain.  He slept through the whole thing.  But I took him in his front carrier,  which he seems to love.  Most likely because he is upright and I'm sure it chills out his reflux a bit.

Speaking of his reflux, he seems to be doing a bit better. Not AS much crying fits, though still more than I would like.  Still arching his back every so often as well.  Only 1 spit up since yesterday.  The pediatrician warned us of silent reflux so we are watching out for that.  He has his wellness check as well as his first immunizations next week so we can touch base with his doc then and see if we need to switch up meds.  But at least for now, he's a bit happier! It's a start!

My dad is coming over tomorrow and I'm going to try tattooing on him. I'm not sure how it will go as I still have some residual carpal tunnel symptoms... but hopefully it goes ok. I can't believe how horrible carpal tunnel is.  As someone who works with me hands as part of my job, it's kinda scary when your fingers are all numb! I really had to prove how much I wanted a child lol.

Today was day 3 of insanity.  Got my ass thoroughly handed to me with those damn tuck jumps! And hit the floors.  BUT I will say that I did toe Pushups today on the moving Pushups.  I used to kick so much ass on Pushups so I'm working hard to get back there. Doing knee Pushups kind of hurts my feelings/ego so to be able to do some on my toes again was pretty fabulous!

After we finish insanity, we plan on doing Asylum.  So our workouts are mapped out through December!  That is a nice jump start backed into everything! Then it will be time to kick it up a notch and start training hard for all the events I want to participate in next year!

For the record, I can't wait to fit into my old jeans.  I'm soooo sick if wearing my maternity shit. Uggghhh.  I feel like burning Ll these clothes when I'm done with them cuz I'm so sick of looking at them. Lol

Insanity

I've been meaning to update for a while now but keep getting busy! The fitness thing has been very touch and go. While I've been super consistent, some days, my mental state isn't that great. But honestly, sometimes, I think you just have to let yourself be mad and say stupid shit you know isn't true just to get it out.  The frustration with starting over is very real...and I'd be lying if I said I was doing just peachy over here all the time.

As I've said before, I know it isn't going to happen overnight! It took a long time to get there before and I just spent a good chunk of my pregnancy on the couch.  So yes, it will take some time but it's still frustrating to find myself back at a place I'd never hoped to be again...pregnancy or no.  I'll get there, though...because that's just what I do!!!

So with that being said, this week, Aprill and I started the Insanity program again.  It feels so good to get my ass kicked so hard!  Inanity gave me such a good jump start the first time I did it so hopefully it will again. Today was day 2. I need to take some "before" pics before I get too far into it.  I'm thinking with Insanity 6 days a week, plus lifting at LEAST 3 days, and of course PiYo on Wednesdays and Saturdays, hopefully I'll start getting stronger.

I've been considering getting my Spartan trifecta next year. For those that don't know, that is the Spartan obstacle races that include their Sprint, which is 3-5 miles, their Super, which is 8 miles and their breast, which is 12-13 miles. All three races just have to be done in the same calendar year!  Montana will have the Sprint and the Beast back to back next year in May so I'd like to be ready by then!  And then travel to Seattle for the Super!

In other news, Mason is now 11.6 lbs and rolling over from belly to back like a champ just under 2 months!  That kid is such a beast!!!!  No wonder he tried to come out early!!!

We took him to the pediatrician today due to his reflux.  We are trying him on the rice formula as well as zantac in hopes that he isn't quite so sad all the time! Poor kid...

That's about all I got for now!!!  Maybe I'll post my "before" pics this week if I'm feeling btrave enough!!!

Happy Baby

More smiles from this handsome man!

Doing Better!

Doing so much better this week! Started with bi's and tri's yesterday. I didn't have time for cardio but that's OK. Today was super fun!!! We did a tabata workout and I sweat buckets!  I didn't have to modify AS much today. That felt fabulous!

It's starting to feel like I'm getting back into the swing of things.  I have a long ways to go, yes. But my drive is there and I am feeling more and more like my old self every day.  Only now when I get done working out, I get to come inside and kiss that baby, who is the whole reason why I began working out 5 years ago. It is so amazing what has happened since then!

Mason was in such a good mood this morning!  I got so many smiles!  Love that boy so much!

Discouraging Week.

This week has been hard...mentally.  Probably because I've been doing "real" workouts and it has become so very apparent how far back I slid.  I wanted SO BAD to be a bad ass pregnant chick who lifted and worked out through my whole pregnancy! I had the motivation and dedication.  But my body, once again, let me down.  Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't change it. Mason is the most amazing thing that's ever happened. And honestly, I will have an even greater appreciation for my body when it's on top shape.

I want to get even more in shape and ripped than I was before.  I'll probably chill a little on the cardio and focus a little more on lifting.  I love cardio but I want the strength and muscle definition!  Plus, I want to work on the heavy bag and speed bag stuff!  I finally put together the stand that mom got me! She's getting us the heavy bag tomorrow! So happy to be back working out in the garage!

So yeah, this week has been filled with a lot of discouragement. Even a few tears at the realization of how out of shape I am. But I'm trying to change my thought process. Instead of comparing myself to where I was last year, I need to compare myself to where I was last week.  Or 2 weeks ago. Or when i started working out again.  2 weeks ago, I was doing pelvic tilts on the floor and having a hard time getting up off the floor.  Now, I'm running, lifting and doing full workouts, such as piyo.  Hopefully in a few weeks, I can cut back on a few of the modifications in piyo.

I'm thinking that in order to keep myself mentally on track I will get a little whiteboard for the garage and write down my big accomplishments for the week!  It will hopefully be a reminder of my progress!

As far as Mason news, it's kind of a big one. I already posted the smiling video.  So that was super duper exciting. He also had a date with Mallory yesterday! She was born on Tuesday and she's amazingly adorable! It's going to be so amazing to watch them grow up together! I'm excited for all the play dates in their future!  And today, Mason was discovering his tongue. At least, that's what I think he was doing! He kept sticking out his tongue. So cute!!!!  He's been sooo alert! Following objects with his whole head...not just his eyes! Been doing more eye contact as well.  I love watching him grow!

Smiles!!!!

Finally got some smiles on camera!!!!

Tour de Cure 2014!

Yesterday was the Tour de Cure!  This is the 5th year I've done it!!! I had signed up for the 5k while I was still preggers, and even before I went into preterm labor!  I had really hoped to take Mason but I just couldn't justify it since he had a little stuffy nose.  But that's OK. He got to have a day bonding with dad and I got to go hang out with my mom!  So here's a little pic from my first event post baby!!!!!  Woot Woot!!!

That being said, I missed the shit out of my boy!!!!!  It's tough being away for that long. I assume it gets better and easier...but it's still pretty early for me.  I want to get back to painting and tattooing but I can't even fathom being away so much!  When I got home, I stole Mason for the the rest of the night and snuggled the little man!!!

Mason is starting to be more expressive now!  It's fun to watch him when he gets like this.  He's also slowly starting to make a few other sounds here and there that aren't cries or sounds of distress. I love it so much!  And he's getting so big!!! I can't wait to see how much he's grown at his next appointment.  Although, I think he starts some of his vaccinations next time.  I heard those appointments can be hard for everyone involved.  (P.s. please, no vaccination arguments or debates! You don't have to agree with our decision to vaccinate, just as I don't have to agree with yours not to. But please be respectful in keeping the negative comments to yourself!) That being said, here is little man just chillin'!  

Today, I ran 2 miles.  I started by trying to do a modified version of the 15 5's. That's when you do 15 pushups, 15 tuck ins, 15 dips, 15 floor kicks, and 15 pull ups.  Then your start over with 14, then 13...all the way down to 1. (If any of you try this workout, let me know!!!) I started doing a modified version of it, but my hands!!!!! I thought hard about how this carpal tunnel would affect work but I never considered how it would affect my workouts!  Eeesh!  So I didn't make it very far on that workout.  So I cried tears of massive frustration, then changed into my running stuff and went for a run!

I was super proud to have made it 2 miles but, damn! It hurts !y ego a little bit to be this out of shape!  Yes, I know I just had a baby and it's pretty good considering I'm just shy of 7 weeks out of a cesarean... But I'm still allowed to be frustrated.  Its not going to make me quit or anything.  It still just sucks. I'll get my strength back eventually.

Speaking of strength, this week, I'm reintroducing lifting.  I just did bi's and tri's!  Tomorrow, I'm taking a rest day.  Gotta remember those rest days!!!!  Had another comment from someone telling me to "ease back into it." I know already!  CRIPES!!!! I thought I would share my accomplishment of running 2 miles but apparently, I'm rushing into it.  FFS, unless you are my doctor or Aprill (who also happens to be a personal trainer and educated in these sorts of things), shut your pie hole.  If you have something positive and/or encouraging to say, then yes, let me have it.  I need that right now!

Phew!  That sure pisses me off!! Lol!  Perhaps I just need to keep my workout stuff here and off FB.  Not very many people follow my blog anymore so there's less of a chance of the annoying comments!

Well, that's all I got for now!  I'm gonna go snuggle my boy for a while!  Tomorrow is a chill day. Perhaps some vid games and some hangouts with my boys!!!!  Peace!!!!

Starting Over

Have I mentioned lately how much I adore being a mom.  I was born for this!!!!

In other news....

I went on another run today.  I ran 1.25 miles today! I also went to Zumba.  Tomorrow, I will focus more on resistance stuff.  Next week, I'm busting out the weights, though!  I miss lifting!!!  My checkup is tomorrow!!!  But at this point, it seems almost a formality!  I feel so good. I'm making sure I don't so anything the injure myself by easing back into things.

As amazing as it feels to get moving again, it tough "starting over." I don't care what anyone says, it is discouraging to think about what I was doing before and what I am doing now.  It's hard to look in the mirror and not like what I see anymore.  I know I will again someday and it won't discourage me from pushing forward...but I'd be lying if I said it isn't tough to be at place I'd hoped I wouldn't be again.

I still feel a little bitter about the rocky pregnancy but it's no use dwelling on it! I have a perfectly healthy boy.  I gladly sacrificed my body and health so I could bring Mason into the world safely.  But now it's time to repair the damage.

Thank you to those who have given me encouragement!!!!  It's nice to know I have that support.  Also, thanks to those who are trying to hinder my progress.  I just use it as fuel!  Haha!

Also....I love being a mom!  Just in case I haven't said that in a while...

First Run/Walk

I think today is the day I try a little running. I'm thinking a run/walk at the park. I'll probably go later tonight.  Right now, I have a sleepy boy taking a nap on me. We can't rush through snuggle time. =)

We got one of out pics from his photo shoot.  I don't even care that he's so cranky.  He is just so precious! James did such a fabulous job working with such a crabby baby. I can't wait to see the rest!!!

I have my 6 week appointment on Thursday.  So even though I've already started working out,  it will be nice to get the "official" go-ahead from the doc!  After my appointment, G and I are going to go on our anniversary date finally.  We are only a couple weeks late. It's gonna be hard leaving little man...even just for a few hours. 

Yesterday during my workout,  I was thinking about how hard everything was...but it was just as hard as my workouts were when I was more fit.  I'm just at a different level!  I think it's important to remember that.  My workout us just as hard as, say, Aprill's.  It used to be a huge pet peeve of mine when I was at the top of my fitness level to have others assume my workouts were now easy.  But the truth is, no matter what level you are at, your workout should busy your balls. We are a ll at different levels with different goals in mind.

Anyway. Wish me luck on my run/walk!  I got new running shoes for the occasion,  even!  Yay!

Mason's First Road Trip

Mason went on his first road trip yesterday. It was just a little day trip to Helena to get pictures taken but it was a nice first road trip! We also visited my family while we were there!  It was a fabulous little trip.

Mason is just like his daddy! He was cranky almost the whole time. Most of his pictures were mad ones but he got a few where he wasn't mad.  Honestly, though, I don't even care if he is mad in his pics.  He is super cute anyway.

Today, we went on our first walk.  It was a little one but a good learning experience!  We went to the farmers market then to visit grandma Kandy at her shop.  Mason is pretty good...granted, lloyal held him a good chunk of the time and Aprill help him another chunk but it was nice to get out.

After I got home today, I ate, pumped then I conked out for a few hours!  I had missed my afternoon nap the last 2 days so it was catching up to me.  I am considering a shower as well but I need to go work out first.  My muscle soreness has finally chilled a bit.  I can't imagine how it's going to be when I do my first real workout! Lol!

I also want everyone to know that I picked up a folded jogging stroller right up over my head and into the back of Garrett's truck with n problems.  So all you people thinking I am doing too much or keep telling me not to overdo it can suck a big one!  Like the said before, I am pretty in tune with my body. I know what a good pain is and a bad one.

My 6 week appointment is this next week on Thursday.  I'm curious about what happens when I get pregs again.  I may ask her about it...NOT that I'm even remotely ready for the next one.  Even the thought...ughhhh!!!!  But I am just wondering how the damage to my cervix will affect any future pregnancies.

 The Tour de Cure is a week from today!!!  I made my goal.  But truthfully, it may be the last year.  Well, I will probably do it one more year so that I can do it again with Aprill. We need to do our events. We'll need to do that one, the dirty dash, the Spartan, the Montana Mucker, Color Run, maybe a zombie run, I'd like to do a half just for shits and giggles...and who knows what else. That is one reason I can't get pregs right away again.  I need to get myself back in shape.  And I missed out on all those events this year (for a good reason, but still!).

Welp!  I better go get my workout on before I talk myself out of it!

5 Weeks Post Partum

Real quick, just wanted to say I have 1 week until I hit my 6 weeks!  I'm super excited to get to work out with my bestie again. I know I we won't get to work out together as before she's going to school and I am a new mom! But still, we get to work out!  I took a break today because I'm sore!!! But it will be back to my mini workouts tomorrow!

Mason is 5 weeks today.  He's starting to outgrow his onesies and grow into new ones!  Mostly length-wise. He's still filling out but he's definitely getting chunkier!  Have I mentioned how much I adore this little boy!!!!!!  Because I really do!  

1st Sweat Post Partum

I have been working on my core little by little.  Yesterday was the first time I did any sort of "workout" where I actually sweat. I'm still not pushing it super hard because I haven't had my 6 week checkup yet..though it is coming up.

One thing I'm getting sick of is people telling me that it won't happen overnight. Or to just let my body heal first.  Or to just enjoy that baby before worrying about working out.

First of all...I know it is going to take a while to get back to where I was? Dude! I know.  This isn't my first rodeo. I've done this before and it took a few years to get to where I was.  Second, I know my body better than anyone else. I already know it's still healing.  I already know I have a long ways to go. I don't need reminders all the damn time.

I know people mean well, but at least put a positive spin on it.  Like those saying "I don't think it will take as long as you think..." That is uplifting.

Anyway...enough of the vent.  I just had to get that off my chest because it was starting to feel like people WANT to hold me back.
It feels good to move my body again...even just a little bit. Here is what I did yesterday.  I even had to work my way up to this...and it was tough for me.

And here are some of my starting point pics.  They aren't terrible, but they aren't exactly pretty either.  But they are part of my journey back to being strong so here they are!

Mason is 1 Month!!!

Mason turned 1 month old yesterday!  I can hardly even believe it!  I think we are adjusting fairly well to parenthood and he is adjusting the best he possibly can to being in the real world. I can't imagine that is an easy transition to make for a baby going from a nice warm quiet area to a loud, cold world.  When he gets into a crying fit, I just keep reassuring him that it gets better!  Obviously he has no idea what I'm saying but hopefully my voice is a comfort anyway!

As I said in my other blog, we are having issues finding a formula to supplement with.  I think we may have found one that works though. I'm crossing my fingers!  Enfamil Gentlease seems to not mess with his tummy so much.  Right now, he's only getting about 1, maybe 2 bottles of formula a day.  The rest is breast milk.  I'll keep up the pumping for as long as I can. My goal is 6 months but I will be happy with whatever I can make work!

We brought him in to his 1 month appointment and he was up to 8.5 pounds!  His weight moved up a whole percentile within 1 week!  Everything else looked fabulous. Our pediatrician was happy with his progress!  We have been concerned about his pooping habits! Lol. You'll never be more obsessed with someone else's pooping habits than with your own child's!  I'm happy to report that since having that gentlease formula, he has had a blowout...followed by a normal poop today.  I'm hoping and praying it continues!

My favorite part right now is how alert he is becoming when he is awake! It seems like everyday, he becomes a little more aware of his surroundings. It is going to be so fun when he starts smiling and interacting with us more. For now, I am taking in this snuggly stage. I am incredibly tired but it is the best kind of tired! I don't know why people bitch so much about this part.  I won't lie, I've had moments of frustration...but it was more so because I didn't know why my baby was crying and I just wanted him to feel better!  It wasn't for my own desire for sleep.

As for me, my 6 week checkup is on September 11.  For now, I am doing small core exercises on the floor.  It's insane how difficult they are. I'm actually sore from them! Lol.  But I need to ease back into this workout thing. I'm hoping by my appointment, I'll have enough core strength to do ChaLean Extreme.  We'll see, I suppose.  September 13 is the Tour de Cure...although I'm wondering if I will even be able to participate this year. They raised the minimum amount raised to $200 this year and I can't seem to get any more sponsors.  I know it is probably because this is the 4th year I've done it and I've exhausted my resources!!!  I've had lots of sponsors over the last few years, which has been amaaazing and I'm so thankful for that. But it may be time to find a new event.  Still, I'm really looking forward to it this year since I'm bringing Mason and it will be his first event ever!

That's all for now. I'll be doing my measurements and some "before" pics here very soon!!!!  So be looking for that!

A New Home!!!

Well. Here it is.  My new home.  Nothing fancy but somewhere I can start anew!  Baby-making is no longer my goal.  It's time for new goals.

First, I want to be a good mother. Not a perfect one because we all know those don't exist.  But I want my boy to be raised happy and healthy.  I want him to know he is so incredibly loved!  But I also want him to be raised with manners. I have lots of dreams for him and the main one being for him to realize and a strive for his own dreams.  Motherhood has been something I've dreamt of forever.  I literally bought a decoration for Mason's room while I was still in high school!  I obviously wasn't ready to have kids back then but I knew I wanted them someday.  And now that the time is here, I'll be using this blog to write about all the ups and downs that lie ahead!  All the milestones and memories!

Second, I will be closely documenting my fitness and my journey back to being strong!  I want to be strong for my family. And for myself.  I function so much better all around when I work out and eat well so I'm excited to get back to that lifestyle.  G will be joining me as well.  We won't work out together since someone needs to be watching little man, but we will be cheering each other on and helping each other make good decisions!  The c section and mostly the bedrest left me insanely weak so it will be a little bit of a challenge...though not as much as the first time around.  Mostly, I think it will be mentally challenging. Knowing where I was before and now where I have to start...it hurts my pride a bit.  But I'll get there again! Probably a lot quicker than I think!

And, third, I will be writing about just the odds and ends of life.  I'm sure the majority of what I write about will revolve around Mason, Garrett, or fitness...but I want to keep this blog open to write about anything else that pops up. I kept my last blog pretty specific to infertility... And I felt limited in what I wrote about.  Even when I did meander away from the topic, I would feel stifled and like I was breaking some sort of unwritten rule.  I should have started a new one beginning with pregnancy. Every time I felt an emotion other than pure joy, I felt guilty. I didn't want my infertile audience to read it and feel hurt or that I didn't appreciate what I had.  So I constantly felt the need to justify my feelings. So I want to keep it open here. Open and honest.

That's about it for now.  I'll be doing a real post soon!  Probably a Mason update!  Little man will be a month old tomorrow...so I think that deserves a post!