Tired and Weak

I started Turbofire on Monday. Oh boy...

Did I mention today is only Wednesday?

Anyway. So I started Turbofire and it's super fun. However, I'm so very weak. I used to have so much power behind my punches and kicks.  Now I'm struggling to even get the full range of motion, nevermind power.

But alas, the only way to get better is to just do it.  I've started drinking a protein shake in hopes that it will help a bit with energy. I'm so tired. Every day. I hate feeling this damn weak!!! Which is why I am making myself work out. And drink water. And protein shakes.

Today is day 3.  Only 87 more days of this full program. Though, I may restart it once I've got the moves down a little better. I hate to admit, I have a really hard time keeping up at this stage.  I'm hoping to come back and reread this in 90 days and be able to remember where I started with all this. I feel so tired and sluggish. I hate it...

June

I ordered Turbofire.  Shits getting real in June. Im eating healthier and starting Turbofire. I just need the structure and schedule right now in my life...where there is no structure. Lol.

I've partially hesitated trying to cut things in my diet because I've been trying to avoid a milk supply drop. But I have blown passed my initial goals with the breastmilk. Never thought I'd make it long enough to give Malcolm fresh breastmilk for his recovery from cleft repair. So whatever happens to my supply after June happens. And we'll roll with it.

I think I was sent a little reminder of how far I've come...even where I'm at now. I found this picture while cleaning. I didn't think there were any pics of me from this time. This was my heaviest. This was when I realized how unhealthy I was. Even where I'm at now is so much better than where I was. I'm still hovering around 175. In that picture, I was closer to 220ish.

I'm looking forward to feeling strong again!! 

First, we need to get through this surgery!

Operation: Hot Mother

That's an Arrested Development reference, for those that don't know.

But still, it is relevant to what's about to go down.

I'll be honest. I'm having a hard time finding my passion for working out again. My body is slow and sluggish. My shape has changed. My boobs always flopping every which way since I'm still pumping.  My cardio is seriously lacking. I'm tired and I can fill every second I'm awake with things I "need" to do. My motivation is sooo gone. And it's not going to come back on its own.

Today I decided to get the garage back in working order. It's still a giant mess out there but my workout area is clear. And that's all I need. I was going to do insanity, but I think I need to wait until after Malcolms surgery. I feel like that week, I won't be doing much of anything.

Anyway. I've got 20lbs lingering from pregnancy. Not too shabby considering I had two back to back, rough pregnancies.  But I need to get my strength back. It's hard having an aching back all the time. It's hard to feel my entire body jarring when I'm running after my toddler. It needs to change. I don't need to be ripped. But I do want to be strong enough and quick enough keep up with these little dudes.

I've been hovering around 175 for the past few months so I think I've lost everything  gonna lose just doing the bare minimum, which is lifting every now and then and running when I feel like it. Not very consistent...and consistency is key. 

Sooooo...Operation: Hot Mother, it is!!!

Balance

I've spent this week sick with mastitis, thrush, a tummy bug and just plain exhaustion. My milk supply has taken a,pretty big hit as a result. I'm struggling with that fact more than I thought I would. I went from a definite 60 ounces a day to barely 50. Yes. I know that's still an oversupply. But even though I'm straggling awith the loss, I'm not sure I want to try to get it back. I'm so tired. I've pumped longer than I thought I would be able to. And I have ato least 3 months of frozen milk in my stash. That's way more than I thought I could save up.

Bottom line is I'm so damn tired. This week has been a huge eye opener for me.  My body basically told me I need to do something different because what I'm doing isn't working. A lot of times, I end my day with trying to squeeze in last minute things. I always feel like I could have done more. But I need to remind myself that I've done enough. At the end of the day, my kids are fed and happy.

Of course that's easier said than done but we've already made a few changes. I've dropped the middle of the night pump. We've just been bringing Malc I told bed with us and we're transitioning him into the cosleeper. It's helping a bit.

I'm just so tired. My body is tired. My husband is tired. This is a rough time right now. It'll get better. But damn, it's hard to find a little balance right now.

Fit Nessa Update

OK so a little fitness update!  I've been at the gym working out since a little before Christmas. It's been hard to realize how far I've slipped but so amazing to feel my strength and endurance slowly returning. I still thoroughly hate running but that's why I think it makes a great goal to do a half marathon.  I'll push through and maybe I'll end up liking it. Who knows?

I've missed weight training so much! I don't miss the a-holes that thunk they own the weight room. Look. I know I'm smooshy and lifting little piddly weights but I just had two babies cut out of my guts back to back. And that's not even taking into account the pregnancies and how fun those were. So cool your biscuits and have a little etiquette in the weight room. Ugh.

Anyway!! I've had a few non scale victories since starting back up. When I first hopped on the treadmill, I struggled to run 8 minutes consecutively at a slow pace. I've worked up to 25 minutes straight at 5mph. That's still kind of a slow mile but it's getting better!  I was around a 10-11 minute mile prior to pregnancy so I'd like to work my way back to that.

As far as weight lifting goes, my weights are steadily increasing.  That initial soreness has faded. I still get sore obviously but there's something about that first lift back that tears you up. Lol!

And as far as the scale goes, I'm hovering between 178-180. It's slowed down for now but I'm happy with my progress since having Malcolm. I've dropped about 45 lbs since having him.  I know a lot of that was water and baby, but I didn't drop that fast with Mase and I'm even lower than I was when I got pregs with Malc.

But honestly, while it's nice to see that number go down a bit, it's not really what's the most important. It's the non scale victories I care about right now. My weight will do what it's gonna do.

The eating part has been a little more difficult to juggle since I'm pumping 60 oz of milk a day. I tried eating healthier but had a hard time getting my calories in for the day and saw a drop in my supply. I'm going to try to add two protein shakes a day in with banana and blueberry yogurt and almond milk in hopes that I can eliminate the extra crap I'm eating to get those extra calories. We'll see how it goes.

That's all I got for now!

Hi Blog!!!

Why hello, blog! It's been a while. 

First off, motherhood is amazing! It's hard and messy and there are no instructions, but it is the most rewarding thing I have experienced in my life. But then again, it's what I've always wanted.  There are absolutely hard days. But everyday is filled with so much love and micro-victories! I love my boys so much! Mason is his own little tornbado of a boy! Exploring and learning and making me laugh everyday! And Malcolm is smiling and happy and making lots of different sounds! He still likes to be held 24/7 and cannot keep a paci in on his own so that can be a bit of a challenge but just a little one. 

Garrett is back at work full time and it's been a hard adjustment for me.  Adjusting to my role as a stay at home mom has been a little more difficult than I expected. Don't get me wrong!!! I am soooo thankful so be able to stay home with them and I don't want to change it. We are so lucky that we are able to swing it. But I'm trying to hang on to the parts of my that make me ME. I was able to paint a few Christmas presents for people but haven't been able to find time since. I'm seeing my tattoo clients go elsewhere, which, I won't lie, stings a bit but I absolutely understand why they would. I mean, I have no clue when I'll get to work again so obviously, I can't expect people to wait when I can't give them a concrete answer.

So no art and no tattooing.  Sometimes I feel like that part of me is lost. But with that being said, I am working out again so that helps me feel like that other side of me isn't completely lost.  It helps give me that piece of myself that is still just mine! I love sharing every moment of me with my kids and my hubs, but having that hour I get to be Nessa again helps my sanity. 

My good Friend just went through this (having babies back to back) and it helps to talk to her. She reassures me that the first year really is a blur and things level out. So I'm holding out faith that I will get to tattoo again. And that I will get to paint again. Sooner rather than later.  So for now, I'm focusing on the joys and challenges of bring a mom. And focusing on getting back into shape and training for a half marathon! 

I've said before when I was going through infertility that I would give up art to be a mom and that still hasn't changed.  Being a mom trumps painting any day. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it! 

Being a Mom...

I've spent the last few days recovering from a tummy bug. And although it's been less than fun, it's the first time I've slowed down in over 2 months. It was probably my body telling me not to forget about myself.

However, it got me thinking about all those little things I do every day.  Things I don't give myself credit for.  At the end of the day, sometimes I feel I didn't do enough. But my day is FILLED with little acts of love. Every second of every day, I'm doing things that hopefully make my boys feel loved and cared for.

Being sick has made me realize that, yes, I absolutely do need that time during the day to remember that I need some TLC too. But it's also got me missing those little things I do every day. What it is to be a mom.

Being a mom is holding a pacifier in your new baby's mouth while simultaneously trying to sneak in a few Z's.

Being a mom is taking a bite of the soggy gross half eaten cracker your toddler is so excitedly shoving in your face and trying to share.

Being a mom is watching Robin Hood 3 times a day since your baby was old enough to focus.

Being a mom is pacing your hallways and living room at 3 a.m. in an effort to console your newborn who just can't seem to adjust to this great big world.

Being a mom is cutting your toddlers dinner into chewable pieces and still worry about choking because he grabs 4 of those tiny pieces at a time.

Being a mom is having cold dinner every night.

...or shoveling your dinner in your mouth at lightning speed while you have a minute in between diaper changes.

Being a mom is melting at the simple gesture of your baby reaching their hand up to you while they sleep on your chest.

Being a mom is tripping over the same damn noise making toy 50 times a day. And also putting away said toy 50 times a day.

Being a mom is knowing all the words and singing along with every singing toy your kid has.

Being a mom is having your arm completely fall asleep while your baby sleeps on it and just sucking it up because he's finally asleep.

Being a mom is having entire conversations with your toddler as they babble excitedly all the jibberish they can think of.

Being a mom is sitting on the floor with your toddler and trying to read to them but only getting a few lines out before he comes and takes it to "read it himself."

Being a mom is loading your kids in and out of car seats multiple times a day.

Being a mom is making sure you don't leave the house without snacks.

Being a mom is obsessing over that tiny red bump on your baby's face.

Being a mom is wishing you could take any and all pain your child us feeling away and feeling crushed and helpless because you can't.

Being a mom is hearing your kid belly laugh and thinking there is no better sound in the world.

Being a mom is seeing peril everywhere in your house when your baby starts walking.

Being a mom is spending a busy tired day just wanting a "little breather" and then when you finally get one, all you can do is talk or think about your kids.

Being a mom is squeezing in 15 minutes of painting while your babies are somehow napping at the same time.

Being a mom is having cracked/dry/bleeding hands from washing and sanitizing bottles 50 times a day.

Being a mom is living your day in 3 hour increments so you can make sure your home in time to pump.

Being a mom is having to make loose plans with people because you can't ever be sure when your kids will nap or if they are going to have a bad day or be sick.

Being a mom is texting your mom friends for ideas at random hours because your child is teething and you've tried everything and they are still miserable.

I could honestly keep going all day about what I've learned about being a mom is my very short time as a mom so far. And I'm sure this list evolves with every passing year. I'm sure I could write a list when my boys are in their 30's and still have just as much to say. But the bottom line is, being a mom is filled with so many small gestures of love every day.  I think those are the important ones.  Those are the things that make our children feel safe, happy and loved.

Being a mom is tiring, exhausting, and full time but it is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't change a fucking thing. I am beyond blessed to be able to experience motherhood and all the little things that make up being a mom.