As we get closer to having this baby, I feel more and more emotions every day!!! And I feel them all so intensely, it can be a bit overwhelming. Here just a little sample of what I feel every day:
Excitement!!! OK this one is a given. We have about 6 weeks left until our c section. 6 weeks until my infertility battle is COMPLETELY done. 6 weeks until we get to meet this new little dude that made his way into our lives...that insisted on being here so hard, that he told us that we can shove our birth control methods up our you know whats. 6 weeks until these difficult pregnancies are behind me and my body will go back to being my own (minus the breastfeeding stuff) forever.
Sadness. I know we want this to be our last baby. 2 babies makes sense for us financially. We feel beyond lucky and blessed to have 1 child, let alone 2. And a family of 4 feels so perfect. But there is a bittersweetness in knowing that this will be the last time. Yes, my pregnancies have been hard, but getting to experience them at all is amazing in and of itself. Feeling a baby move and kick and squirm in your belly is an experience denied by many so I am trying to soak that up. Sharing your body with another human is hard, but also one of the coolest things I've ever experienced. So while I'm happy to almost be done, I'm also a bit sad.
Fear! This usually happens on hard days with Mason. Or days when G and I are tired and/or don't feel good. Or right after we pay bills. I always mutter "how are we going to do this?" I usually answer my own question and tell myself that we will do this just like every other set of parents do. By just doing it. You just make it work. We are not the first and only parents to have babies this close together. Some have multiple babies at once (God bless you people!!!) It will be hard at times...and from what I hear, the first year is quite an adjustment. But we'll find our groove. And we will be OK.
Worry. This is kind of a big one for me as I am such a huge worrier by nature anyway. And when people say "oh don't worry so much about x, y, or z" I just laugh a little because apparently there is a worry switch that you can just flip and turn it off. My main worry is about Mason. I am worried about the adjustment of a new baby in our lives when he is still a baby himself. I know he will be fine and he'll never remember a time without Malcolm. And hopefully, they will be best buddies. But still, I'm worried about that adjustment period for him as I can't really explain to him that Malcolm is his little brother and that we still love him just as much as before! That is my main worry. Things will work out...and I do know that. It's just gonna get a bit crazier for a while. I have a huge list of worries but I won't delve into allmof them. I could probably do a whole post just about this one emotion...
Anger. OK so, this is just an end of pregnancy thing, I think. I feel like murdering everyone for doing the smallest things. Mostly my dogs, who, I swear I love dearly...usually. But right now, they stink, they are ALWAYS in my bubble, their nails click too loudly on the linoleum, they bark obnoxiously at that super scary child riding his bike down THEIR road. The list goes on. Then, when I go out in public...you better just get out of my way. I usually start off having manners but then by the 5th person who does not return manners, I'm done. And...I won't even go into driving. I'll just say I'm pretty sure there is fire shooting out of my eyeballs by the time I get to my destination. And it's a good thing that vehicles don't come equipped with laser cannons.
Guilt. I won't elaborate on this one because so much of my blog is filled with guilt that it seems redundant to talk about. So just know that it's there too.
Unstable Craziness. OK so I'm not sure this is a real emotion but for the purpose of this blog, it is. So just roll with it. If you disagree, please reread my anger entry and reevaluate your opinion. For this "emotion" I am mostly referring to the things that set me off with any specific emotion to an insane degree. Let me give and example; 2 days ago, I noticed my dog chewed through one of my very very FEW comfy maternity pants that I have left in this world. And the way I sobbed, you would have thought there was a death in the family. (There almost was: my dog.). But I seriously lost it. I believe when Garrett asked what was wrong, my response between sobs was "I just want to to be comfortable" It's funny now, I admit. But at the time, it felt like a real crisis. Lol!!! And this sort of thing happens every day now. I hope Garrett can stand living with me for the next 6 weeks!
Exhaustion. I have no way of knowing how tired I will be with a newborn and a toddler, but I assume it's something close to what I feel now. I didn't feel this tired when Mase was a newborn. I am just exhausted. I can't sleep more than a half hour..maybe am hour tops at a time. I sleep sitting up and have for months. There are no comfortable positions to sleep in at the moment. Last week, Garrett asked if I had been wearing makeup because there was so much dark under my eyes. Nope. Not wearing makeup. That's just how I look. Lol.
Joy. Complete and utter joy and contentment. Thinking about how far we've come, how hard we worked and how we never "gave up" on our dreams to be parents makes me so happy. We have spent most of our married lives with no savings in order to pursue infertility treatments. We've depleted our resources paying for my medical issues during pregnancy. We have sacrificed time with family and friends, we've missed special, unreplicable occasions, such as weddings, family reunions, camping trips, birthdays....all for the sake of creating our family and it's paid off. And in 6 weeks, we can go on living out lives again. We don't need to feel like we are in pause mode anymore. We can start tucking away a little money again. We will be DONE with this chapter. Finally. And we can just live our lives "normally" again. It's been a loooong journey. But worth every second.
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