My Last Baby

This is, indeed, our last baby.  Part of me is trying to enjoy the process of growing this last baby...but in reality, if I could, I would skip to the end! I would skip to that moment where I will hear Malcolm cry for the first time, that moment when they hold him over the curtain for us to see.  And, obviously, for the first time I get to hold him!!! I am at peace with knowing Garrett gets the honors of holding our babies first while I get closed up. I'm at peace knowing I will probably only ever be an exclusively pumping mom. Or formula mom.  I'm at peace with being a c section momma. I am confident in our decisions as parents!   And I'm excited because I have more confidence going into this the second time around!

The thing that I will admittedly say I'm struggling with is knowing this is the last baby and my last brief time to be in the newborn phase. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited for the toddler phase as well and all the other stages after.  But the newborn phases for my kids are so close together that I almost feel as though I can't "savor" them enough, as difficult as it may be at times.  I don't know if I'm articulating myself well enough for this to make sense but hopefully you guys can understand what I mean.

Malcolm was not planned and this pregnancy has been very hard physically and emotionally so far.  There have been times where I've felt Mason was the one who was getting the raw end of the deal. I've literally missed weeks of Masons life because I was so sick.  In all honesty, it probably upsets me more than Mason. I doubt he even remembers, even now.

So yes.. This pregnancy was unplanned! And it's been hard so far. But now let me express my gratitude. There was a point in me life where even one child felt far fetched.  2 is beyond my wildest dreams.  We were set to try an FET at the end of this year but in all honesty, I was at peace knowing that Mason may be our only child.  So, while Malcolm may be a surprise and the timing was not entirely perfect, I'm so thankful he found his ay to us...and I honestly believe he did. The odds of conceiving him are so slim, I have no other choice but to believe he found us. And that thought warms my soul!

I also believe Mason found us as well.  The process of our ivf journey started with that one consultation that just happened to fall of day 3 of my cycle, which just happens to be when they need to do all the tests and everything fell into place after that.

My boys were meant to be here.  And even though one was not necessarily planned, he came to us at the perfect time.