Healing

I have succomed to the fact that I am doing all I can this pregnancy. I have accepted that my body is tired and being pushed to the max.  I get winded and sweat doing the most simple of tasks.  Right now my energy is being poured into being a mom when I'm not nauseated.  And for right now, that is enough.  

I've missed so much in the last 2 years.  Weddings. Reunions.  Family vacations.  Birthdays. Going away parties.  Even just hanging out with my friends.  And yes, I am bummed.  I know everyone understands and i am so thankful for the loving people in my life.  But I need to be a little more gentle and forgiving to myself.  

I had a great conversation with my friend, Shawwna this week. I was telling her about my inner dialogue with myself. There is the infertile me constantly arguing with the mom version of me.  I need to accept that I no longer fit into a neat little title.  While I will always remember the pain of infertility, I need to heal from it and move on for while.  I have effing earned this time in my life.  

Those who have stayed with me either in real life or this blog know how much I've grapples this topic.  I need to trust that the infertile friends and family in my life still understand that I am now in a different stage.  I've earned the right to be excited about my growing family! And post pictures of my kid(s).  And my baby bump.  And ultrasounds!  And I need to trust that my infertile friends will protect themselves if seeing my posts is too hard.  Because I still understand how painful that can be.

This is what I've been working so hard for. So I need to let go of infertility for a bit!  I also need to let my body do its thing while I'm growing this little soul.  Lastly, and thus is a big one, I need to be patient with my poist partum body, whatever state it may be in.  I read a beautiful post by a mother talking about the fact that her WHOLE body is healing.  I never thought of it that way. I've shared this body with 2 boys!  That is not exactly a simple task. 

When Malcolm comes, it's time for healing. Mentally and physically.  And it's time to lose myself in the beautiful chaos of being a mom. It's time!!!!