Career Crisis

I have been painting again! I have missed it so very much.  But I get this comment a lot whenever I post art things:

You need to charge more.

OK. That's all fine and dandy and I know it's coming from a place of well-intentions but you know how many paintings I have right now that I'm asking $300+ for?  All of them.  No one wants to pay that much. I have to be realistic.  I live in Great Falls, MT.  I don't have a huge audience here! When I get a show in Missoula, I sometimes sell a piece or 2 but they are always my cheaper, smaller ones because it's a college town. And let's be honest, most people in the older generation do not want a giant bloody zombie eating a brain on their walls.  And the audience that I do have here are around my age.  So that means a lot of them have kiddos or babies...and we all know that it isn't cheap bring up a kid.  Or they aren't established enough in their careers to be able to drop $500 on a painting.

So what are the solutions?  Here's what people have suggested to me:

Work smaller.  I don't want to.  I love working big! My painting style works better on a larger scale and I love working big!  When I work small, it feels forced and I always hate it when I'm done.  And besides, people think the small stuff should be really cheap.  I once had a woman ask me to paint something on small found objects and offered me $30.  Ouch.  

Paint different subject matter that would sell in your area.  Oh, so you mean sell out!  Make painting actually feel like work and not enjoy it at all? Ever. Great!!! And besides, there are tons phenomenal artists that have that covered here who actually DO enjoy it so why should I suffer?  

Do commissions.  This, I actually do! The problem is, if I take too many, then I never have time for my own stuff.  I do love commissions and especially when they are things I love doing...such as zombies etc! And even the commissions that aren't my usual are good for me because that is how I grow as an artist.  But it's really easy to get bogged down by only doing what other people want..all the time.  So I don't take commissions year round.

Travel.  With what money?  The money that I didn't make from not selling that $400 painting I spent forever on?  Let me go pack!!!

So I don't really know what he answer is. Stop trying to make painting a career? Then it takes the backseat and I can't seem to make time for it.  I can see how tattoo artists (the good ones who actually put time and effort into their designs) can feel so bogged down...and especially the ones who are booked out so far in advance.  I'm sure they love it but it's gotta take a toll feeling like you can never "catch up" or do your own thing sometimes.

  I'm sort of in career crisis mode.  Part of me just wants to be a mom and quit trying so hard to make art into a career.  Or maybe I'm just feeling super overwhelmed because I am 8.5 weeks away from having 2 boys under 2 and I'm feeling a bit anxious for that transition.  I'm not sure.  Plus, this feeling of having no energy makes me feel like I can't do anything. Lol

I don't want to lose myself to being a mom.  But at the same time, my boys will be grown and not needing momma before I know it so what's wrong with having them be the center of my world for a while and doing the "me" thing secondarily.  I still want to do art and workout but I've wanted to be a mom forever and it is something I honestly thought might not happen.

I read a quote the other day that said something along the lines of "I didn't lose my identity when I became a mom.  I found it." It really touched me and I felt like it was there for me specifically to read.  Earlier that same day, I had mentioned to my bestie the idea of trading in my purse for a diaper bag for a while. I mean, after all, diapers will be part of my everyday for probably 3 or maybe even 4 more years. It's only practical, right? Well my bestie said that she never gave up her purse because she wasn't willing to give up all of her identity just because she was a mom. She didn't say it to insinuate that that's what I'd be doing.  She was just referring to her own process of balancing out life as a mom but still retaining who she is. But it did get me thinking; was that what I was doing?  Sacrificing who I am to be a mom?  Then I read that quote the very same day.  And I felt confident that my identity doesn't lie within my purse. Hell, I only have one for convenience anyway.  I am becoming who I've always wanted to be!  A mom.  I WANT to carry a diaper bag around.

I've said many times on my infertility journey that I would give up my art in a heartbeat to be a mom! And while I know I don't have to actually give it up, it can take a back seat for a while.  It can be my "me" time while my boys are little.  When they start school, I can refocus a little more on it.  But for now, I am mom, first and foremost.