Tubal Litigation

I really feel like I've been put through the ringer this pregnancy.  Ugghhh....  Yesterday was Masons 1st birthday and I was sick. Not pregnancy sick but regular sick. I've never had stomach cramps this bad.  They hurt more than contractions.  I went into labor and delivery last nigh because I thought they could potentially be contractions. Luckily, I wasn't having contractions, but my utetus was irritated due to being sick and dehydrated. So I got some fluids and got to come home.

I was thinking about all the pregnancy related crap I have and it really solidified my desire to do tubal litigation during my c section.  Aside from the fact that I'm tired of feeling shitty, we simply can't afford to do this again. I'm beyond happy with 2 babies. I am over the baby making phase of my life. Time to move on. So on Tuesday, I'm talking to our OB about having my tubes tied. If it's covered by my insurance, I'm doing it. 

Masons Birthday

Tomorrow, Mason will be one year old.  There is so much running through my head, it's almost too much to process.  I've been sort of an emotional mess the last couple days and part of it is how overwhelmed I am at how full my life feels with Mason in it.  What a beautiful year it's been.

I've spent 6 of those 12 months pregnant with Masons little brother and, I won't lie, it's been very hard.  But if you've followed my blog at all you already know this. It's still been amazing watching Mason grow and learn.  But I need to mention that Garrett has been our rock.  I would be lost without that man.  He is such an amazing dad and watching him step up and take care of a sick, pregnant wife and our baby has made me love him even more!  I love him more than words and he has given me the most precious gift(s) I could ever ask for.  Obviously, my children, but also a partner and best friend to navigate this life with, truly in good times and bad.

It's hard to imagine loving another child as much as Mason but I've been reassured that it is, in fact, possible!  And I know I will.  It's just tough to wrap my head around that much love!

I love waking up each day because I love being with Mason.  When it's time for Mason to go to sleep, I can't wait to do it all again the next day...even if we've had a rough day! I absolutely love my life as a mother.  Sometimes it's downright tough.  But the rewards far outweigh the tough times.

July 30th will forever be one of my favorite days.  It is the day my lifelong dream came true and I was blessed with my little man and become a mom.  My heart is so full!  Happy birthday (tomorrow) to my little punkin.

Dear Mason

Dear Mason, 

At some point last year, I wrote to you in my blog.  Only last year, you known simply as "Baby Z."  I am so happy to be able to.call you by name now.  And you've absolutely grown into that name.

We are approaching your first birthday and there is so much running through my mind!  

First, you have full filled our lives in ways that I can't even fully express in words. All my expectations about what it is to be a mom have been far exceeded.  I knew it would be amazing but I had no idea how full my heart could feel.  You always hear parents talking about their hearts bursting with love...and now I know why. 

You have been in this world for almost a year.  You are learning so much every single day and I get the absolute privilege of watching that happen. Every time you do something new, however "small" it may seem, I swell with unbelievable pride.  I love sitting on the floor and playing with you, even though I'm almost 7 month pregnant with your little brother. And when it comes to your bed time, I quite honestly get sad and can't wait to do it all over again the next day.

Speaking of your brother; I know you didn't get much of a chance to be the only child.  It only seems fair that the first born gets a little time to relish in that fact since you are, and will always be our guinea pig as far as parenting goes.  And lord knows, we will mess up sometimes. But even though you will be sharing your time with a little brother, always remember that YOU made us parents. When you were born, I was also born as a mother that day. 

We have just a few short months, (about 12 weeks to be exact) until your little brother arrives. You will never know a time without him around. But I will.  It's been hard being pregnant through half of your first year of existence like.  Often, I've felt like I was letting you down because I have been so sick during this pregnancy.  But I also believe that the sacrifice we've all made for your little Brother, Malcolm, will also be one of the greatest gifts I we can give you.  A best friend who will be around for you a lot longer than your dad and I. That gives me great comfort. 

We are excited to welcome a new little dude to our family.  But you will always be our first born!  The one who made us mommy and daddy...a dream we turned our world's upside down to achieve.  And you have been so worth it! 

Love, Mommy

Healing

I have succomed to the fact that I am doing all I can this pregnancy. I have accepted that my body is tired and being pushed to the max.  I get winded and sweat doing the most simple of tasks.  Right now my energy is being poured into being a mom when I'm not nauseated.  And for right now, that is enough.  

I've missed so much in the last 2 years.  Weddings. Reunions.  Family vacations.  Birthdays. Going away parties.  Even just hanging out with my friends.  And yes, I am bummed.  I know everyone understands and i am so thankful for the loving people in my life.  But I need to be a little more gentle and forgiving to myself.  

I had a great conversation with my friend, Shawwna this week. I was telling her about my inner dialogue with myself. There is the infertile me constantly arguing with the mom version of me.  I need to accept that I no longer fit into a neat little title.  While I will always remember the pain of infertility, I need to heal from it and move on for while.  I have effing earned this time in my life.  

Those who have stayed with me either in real life or this blog know how much I've grapples this topic.  I need to trust that the infertile friends and family in my life still understand that I am now in a different stage.  I've earned the right to be excited about my growing family! And post pictures of my kid(s).  And my baby bump.  And ultrasounds!  And I need to trust that my infertile friends will protect themselves if seeing my posts is too hard.  Because I still understand how painful that can be.

This is what I've been working so hard for. So I need to let go of infertility for a bit!  I also need to let my body do its thing while I'm growing this little soul.  Lastly, and thus is a big one, I need to be patient with my poist partum body, whatever state it may be in.  I read a beautiful post by a mother talking about the fact that her WHOLE body is healing.  I never thought of it that way. I've shared this body with 2 boys!  That is not exactly a simple task. 

When Malcolm comes, it's time for healing. Mentally and physically.  And it's time to lose myself in the beautiful chaos of being a mom. It's time!!!!

Spanking

Disclaimer** It's about to get a little controversial in here. My intent is not to offend. I just want to straighten something out that has been bothering me.

I've been seeing a lot of posts lately about how if more parents spanked their children, the world would be a better place. 

Let me make it clear right now, I will not spank my children, nor do I believe in it. I don't believe we teach children by causing physical harm, even if it's just "a little swat." However, I am not bashing anybody's parenting choices or how anyone was raised so please don't think that. It is none if my business. I just want to address the blanket statement that keeps popping up all over my FB news feed. 

I was never spanked.  Not once. Did I misbehave? Hell yes I did. Just off the top of my head, I once threw a rock at my brother which hit him in the head and gave him stitches.  Another time, I didn't want to go to school so my dad literally carried me out to the car kicking and screaming. So I was able to throw a tantrum with the best if them. But yet I never had a spanking. 

What my parents did was talk to me...after I cooled down.  They expressed disappointment when I acted out. They followed through with their "warnings." If they said we were leaving a store or event if I continued to act out, and I didn't listen, we'd leave. Or if they said they would take away something, they would if I didn't comply. 

As I grew, when I got in trouble, my fear wasn't of getting a spanking...it was of letting my parents down.  By high school, I was very well behaved for a high school student and I credit my parents for that.  They taught me responsibility.  They gave me trust and in return, I didn't want to lose it.  

That is just one example of someone growing up without getting spanked and turning out pretty decent. So this whole logic of "with more spanking, there would be less brats in the world" is invalid. Yes, every child is different, but don't blame the cause of a bratty kid or entitled person on lack of spanking. That's the point I'm trying to make.  There's more than one way to raise a child.   

Mason is a very strong willed boy already. I know we will have frustrating times.  And I may need to put myself in a time out so I can deal with the situation appropriately.  But I need to remind myself that he is a child. He is learning. He is looking to me and Garrett to teach him how to be a decent person.  We will make mistakes along the way.  Probably a lot if them. No parent is perfect.  All we can do is our best. 

Again, I'm not trying to step on toes. Just making a point that spanking is not the sole answer to all our problems.

26 weeks!!!

How Far Along?  26 weeks and 5 days!!!

Baby This Week?  Baby is about 14 inches long and it definitely feels that way too!! He can hear more things outside the belly! He is also, he can sense light and dark. It is possible that if I were to hold up a flashlight to my belly, he might respond. But I'm too lazy to try it! Lol.

Symptoms?  I had kind of a relapse with the nausea for a few days where I was back in bed. I seemed to have a good day yesterday and though it's early at the moment, I'm just a bit queasy.  Heartburn/acid reflux has been horrid.  Just constant burning in my esophagus.  No amount of time can save me.  I'm also getting that same yeast infection in my armpits I had last time.  If you remember, I had to put monostat in my pits. Lol. Such weird symptoms. Oh and here's a gem!  I got that pregnancy rash on my belly.  It popped up 2 days ago.  So luckily I was able to talk to our OB yesterday at our appointment. So now I also have to out cortisone cream on my belly.  Also, I've been getting this hard lumps the day after my progesterone shots in my ass.  And they also start itching like a mosquito bite. This week, the lump is huuuge! I've talked to some of my friends who have had the shots and said that after so many shots, that can happen, thought none of them had the itching so I'm thinking I may call and just check to make sure I'm not having a little reaction to the shot, which I've heard can happen.  I've been told to try using a heating pad on it to help the oil disperse so I'm going to give that a go!

Cravings/Aversions?  Still not having any super strong cravings. I think the nausea is keeping that at bay.  I do want some things that I won't let myself have just because of the heartburn.  It's not worth it!  Lol.  Still want nothing to do with meat.

Goals for the Week?  I went into preterm labor with Mason at 26 weeks and 6 days. Right now, I am 26 weeks and 5 days.  My goal is to make it passed this week with no preterm labor! I don't think we are in any real danger of that as of right now, thankfully!!!

Mason?  He's going to be 1 in exactly one week!!!  He does something new every single day!  He's really big into high 5's right now! Oh, and eating! Lol!

Dear Embryos

I've been thinking a lot about our frozen embryos.  We have 5; 3 that are frozen by themselves and 2 frozen together.  After Malcolm comes, we will begin our process of releasing them for adoption.  We are ready to move on from infertility; and from the conception stage in general.  We are ready to enjoy this next phase of our lives and reap the fruits of our labor, so to speak, and fully emerse ourselves in the raising of our boys.

I do have mixed emotions about releasing our embryos.  It is not a decision we take lightly.  Any one of those embryos could have been the one they chose to transfer on November 3Oth, 2013.  I have a deep love for them all!  And releasing them to other families is not an easy thing to do.  However, for Garrett and I, it is the right thing to do.  We know how much infertility hurts.  The thing that I am comforted by is knowing that whoever receives our embies will love them to pieces! Because you don't go through infertility/embryo adoption and not appreciate to the fullest extent the miracle that a child is.  I am confident that any of our precious embryos that successfully implant and make it into this world will be loved beyond all measure!

That being said, Garrett and I will be choosing to not have contact with them.  I don't think I could see a child that looked like me and Garrett or Mason and separate the fact that they are NOT our child.  Once we release our embies, they are no longer ours. They are another family's child to love and raise!  It would just be too hard.  If they ever sought us out later in life, I may reconsider. But seeing them as children would just be too much. So we will make our peace with the decision to release them and let them go.  I love them too much to keep them frozen forever!  But it will be with a little bit of a heavy heart that I let them go.  But I will be thankful in knowing that whatever life may come of them will be cherished!

Incompetent cervix PTSD?

I have so many conflicting and contradicting emotions.  High risk pregnancy is a whole new battle and maybe that is how I need to think of it.  Perhaps I'm trying to lump 2 entirely different battles into one, which is probably not fair to my poor emotional well-being.  

I know I've written about this before.  And maybe I'm just beating a dead horse at this point, but apparently I'm still struggling with it.

In the grand scheme of things, pregnancy is such a short time in your life.  But when you are high risk on top of the normal discomforts of pregnancy, it adds this layer of crippling fear to the mix.  It literally dictates my life.  Today, I've been having a pinching sensation that feels like it's on or around my cervix. Plus, I've been having lots of braxton hicks contractions. Yes, BH contractions are normal for this point in pregnancy, but also, silent contractions can cause me to dilate without even knowing it.  So I'm sitting here, trying not to be hyper sensitive to every. Tiny. Effing. Symptom.  But at the same time, that's how I saved Mason from being born at 26 weeks last year.  So where do I draw the line?  I already don't work. I am foregoing workouts. I'm missing one of my best friends wedding today for effs sake because I'm having braxton hicks!  It's so depressing!  

I may be especially scared because I went into preterm around this point in pregnancy last year. I'm 25 week and 5 days.  I went into labor at 26 weeks and 6 days last year.  Malcolms head is right about the perfect size to where he is putting maximum pressure on my cervix.  So even though I'm not technically on bed rest, I might as well be.  

I understand that once Malcolm is here, none of this will matter! But I still need to get through every day right now.  And I suppose that's all I CAN do! Day by day.

24 weeks

How far along? 24 weeks and 2 days! (Officially in the first week of viability)

Baby this week? Malcolm is roughly the size of an ear of corn, or 12.5 inches long.  He's fine tuning some of his motor skills. He also can sense direction, as in he is aware of when he is upside down, etc. His respiratory system is developing rapidly and his lungs are maturing! Like I said, we are in the week of viability so if we're to go into preterm labor, he would have a chance. But let's just hope that's a bridge we don't have to cross this time!

Symptoms?  OK so this is definitely getting better as far as the nausea goes. I don't have to spend all day in bed anymore and am able to function somewhat normally. I still feel kinda yucky all the time, except when I'm eating.  I also tried to go without my nausea patch and I ended up spending half of today in bed. But I'm good now. The meds I'm on for nausea are sooooo expensive! I'm on the patches and that's $183 for a month supply. I'm on phenagren, and that's $140 for a month. And I use zofran for the really bad days. Then factor in my progesterone oil shots and that's $100 for 10 shots. I'm an expensive, high maintainence pregnant person! It doesn't help I'm not bringing in any money. Ugh. 3 more months! Oh, aside from the nausea, I've been experiencing braxton hicks contractions, which are totally normal... But of course my mind wanders to worse scenarios. It doesn't help that I can feel Malcolm very low along with some pinchy sensations around my cervix. This is a very stressful time during pregnancy if you have incompetent cervix.

Cravings/Aversions?  No specific cravings, really.  My aversions are becoming less severe too. Garrett can cook chicken in the house again!

Goals for the Week?  I'd like to organize Mason's old clothes to see where we are at with those.  Maybe get out the newborn stuff. I haven't hardly done anything to get ready for Malcolm but his arrival is so close to Masons that I already feel pretty ready. We don't need a whole lot immediately outside of a double stroller.  The big thing I want to have done is clean and reorganize the basement.

Mason?  Mason is exploring all kinds of different sounds recently. For a while, all he would say is "mum mum mum."  Now he's making a few other noises, including fake laughing. Lol.  He isn't pulling himself to standing yet but he'll kind of go up on one knee (like the proposal position.) And is still doing lots of downward facing dog and planks. He's also starting to explore more foods and textures. Admittedly, we've been a bit slow on introducing new foods. Partly because we have no idea what we are doing. But mostly because we have this huge fear of him choking. I imagine we'll be a bit more confident with Malcolm. Masons top 2 teeth are finally through the gums and he can take bites of stuff so that kind of helps our confidence when feeding him something new.

My Last Baby

This is, indeed, our last baby.  Part of me is trying to enjoy the process of growing this last baby...but in reality, if I could, I would skip to the end! I would skip to that moment where I will hear Malcolm cry for the first time, that moment when they hold him over the curtain for us to see.  And, obviously, for the first time I get to hold him!!! I am at peace with knowing Garrett gets the honors of holding our babies first while I get closed up. I'm at peace knowing I will probably only ever be an exclusively pumping mom. Or formula mom.  I'm at peace with being a c section momma. I am confident in our decisions as parents!   And I'm excited because I have more confidence going into this the second time around!

The thing that I will admittedly say I'm struggling with is knowing this is the last baby and my last brief time to be in the newborn phase. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited for the toddler phase as well and all the other stages after.  But the newborn phases for my kids are so close together that I almost feel as though I can't "savor" them enough, as difficult as it may be at times.  I don't know if I'm articulating myself well enough for this to make sense but hopefully you guys can understand what I mean.

Malcolm was not planned and this pregnancy has been very hard physically and emotionally so far.  There have been times where I've felt Mason was the one who was getting the raw end of the deal. I've literally missed weeks of Masons life because I was so sick.  In all honesty, it probably upsets me more than Mason. I doubt he even remembers, even now.

So yes.. This pregnancy was unplanned! And it's been hard so far. But now let me express my gratitude. There was a point in me life where even one child felt far fetched.  2 is beyond my wildest dreams.  We were set to try an FET at the end of this year but in all honesty, I was at peace knowing that Mason may be our only child.  So, while Malcolm may be a surprise and the timing was not entirely perfect, I'm so thankful he found his ay to us...and I honestly believe he did. The odds of conceiving him are so slim, I have no other choice but to believe he found us. And that thought warms my soul!

I also believe Mason found us as well.  The process of our ivf journey started with that one consultation that just happened to fall of day 3 of my cycle, which just happens to be when they need to do all the tests and everything fell into place after that.

My boys were meant to be here.  And even though one was not necessarily planned, he came to us at the perfect time.

Ugghhh...the unsolicited advice...

Well, it's begun. The breastfeeding inquiries and unsolicited advice.  I know people mean well, but I don't have to emotional energy to feel like a failure again.  I didn't expect that feeling last time after seeing that Mase was dehydrated. I already have a plan.  

I plan on trying again with Malcolm. I have a couple different nipple shields I'm bringing this time. Maybe Malcolm will have more patience with the process. Who knows? However, I am anticipating the same issues I had with Mase. Partially because I'm not sure that I will have patience with the process. But I'm prepared to exclusive pump.  I've been reading articles on how to keep supply up and how often to pump/how long each sitting. Yes, I realize it is more work.  But I also like that Garrett gets to take part in the feeding/bonding.  

K. Enough of that subject.

In other news, I haven't really weighed in on the recent legalization of same sex marriage but have been enjoying seeing all my happy friends on FB who now get the same right as straight couples. I also have been thinking about the fact that regardless of who my boys love in life, they will get to marry them (if they choose to.) 

On that topic, after having a child (and growing another as I write this) I cannot wrap my head around how a parent can "disown" a child for being gay. Or Trans. Etc.  I absolutely love Mase and want him to be happy.  Why should it matter who he loves. I don't think we can really help who we love. I can't imagine if someone told me that it was wrong for me to be with Garrett. I would be crushed. As long as my kids are happy, I will be too.

That's all I got for now. I'm debating skipping my 23 week update because I'm already almost 24 weeks!  We'll see...