Today is a sad day. One of my long time infertility girls lost her second baby boy. The first she lost while I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor last year. And today she lost her second. Both 2nd trimester losses. My heart breaks for her and her hubby. I cried for a good bit after reading her text. And now as I write this, I'm crying again. It's just not fair.
I hate infertility. So much.
As hard as the last few weeks have been with the constant nausea and fatigue, it is NOTHING to the pain of infertility and isn't even a blip on the radar compared to losing a baby. Shit, I amcurrently sitting in bed feeling nauseated and I am thanking my lucky stars.
It's also National Infertility Awareness Week. It may seem that I've "moved on" from my infertility days. I post about Mason a lot and about being a mom. But the truth is, I will never fully move on. It affects me every day. When I'm out with M, the thought is always in the back of my head that someone passing by may look at us and be hurting so much inside wondering "why her and not me?" When I start showing more PLUS I'm pushing aroundy baby in a stroller...? That's really going to ruin an infertiles day.
Maybe these thoughts will dull a little as time passes and I can be out in public without feeling guilty. I just remember those days when it hurt SO much to see others with what you so desperately want. You don't dislike that person. It just hurt to see some days.
I'm not sure if my friend reads my blog or not but I hope she knows she is on my mind and my heart is very heavy for her today. She is so so strong and whatever path she chooses from here, I will back her 100%. It has been a long road for her already and she has more strength than most people I know. My thoughts are with her as she mourns her baby boy.
As for me, I will just continue to never take a single moment for granted with Mason or with the baby in my belly. I don't have to "enjoy" every moment, because being a parent is not always easy. But I can certainly appreciate every moment!
Hang onto the compassion and let go of the guilt. What your infertile friends will most appreciate is your understanding and concern. You can be there is a way that fertile Myrtles can never be. Appreciate yourself for what you are now able to give because of your experience. You've paid your dues, Ness. It's time to celebrate.
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