So I came to realize something today. And I hope this doesn't sound bad but I'm sick of infertility. It's an asshole that has stolen so much from me and continues to steal moments from me. My life has been nothing but infertility treatments and hoping and praying and wishing since 2007. Now that I have Mason and one on the way, I'm just sick of it! I'm sick of it being in the foreground of my life!
I've always been on the front lines on infertility awareness. But I'm realizing that I'm tired! I will always be an advocate. Always. And always back my girls and be there for them. But maybe it's time to let someone else take the reigns for a while so I can figure out how to live my life without guilt. I should be able to post pictures of my kid(s) without constantly feeling like I'm ruining someone's day. Or walk in the park with my kid and not worry (so much) that I'm hurting someone who wants so badly what I have. I don't know that it will ever go away completely, but it's keeping me from fully enjoying a time in my life that goes by way too fast. So I think it may be time to step back! Just for a bit. My babies will only be babies a short while! I need to unload the guilt. It's time. I've earned it.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Monday, April 27, 2015
14 weeks
How far along? 14 weeks and 2 days
Baby this week? Baby is between 3.5 and 4 inches from head to butt. Baby is in there making faces. Baby might even possibly be starting to grow hair! If it's a girl, her eggs are already developed in her ovaries. If it's a boy, the prostate glad is in the process of developing!
Symptoms? Oy. Where do I start? Still nauseous on and off, though it's been MUCH better the last couple days. Gag reflex is at an all time high still. When I take the zofran, I get a headache. Though that it better than nausea. My eyes have been itching and burning the last few days. Then yesterday I started getting a stuffy nose, sore throat and sneezing a lot. And the sneezing still turns into gagging! Last night, I sneezed in bed and had a horrid sharp pain at my cesarean scar site! I swore I ruptured my uterus but the pain subsided pretty quickly. It just caught me off guard. Also...my digestive system has slowed to a crawl. Ugghhh... This happened last time too. All the hormones are notorious for this. But constipation has been an issue this week...which has been causing stomach cramps and tummy aches. Fatigue is letting up a bit. I can make it through the day without a nap...but am usually in bed pretty early. But other than those things, I feel fabulous. Lol.
Cravings/Aversions? So...things are looking up in this department...which I think is a good sign. I'm still not craving salads and chicken, which are staples in !u regular diet. But food is actually starting to sound good sometimes. Eating has been such a chore so even if it's just a snack or for 1 meal that I'm looking forward to eating, I'll take it!!! Mongolian grill sounded good for a minute today. Of course, I didn't get any because I was too tired but that's not the point!
Goals for the week? Since Mason is on the go so much, I really want to get my floors deep cleaned! I also want to clean the truck and install Masons new car seat! We have our next prenatal appointment tomorrow where we start the cervical length monitoring and weekly progesterone shots. So send put a little prayer that baby is doing well and everything looks OK!
Mason? No huge developments with Mason since last week! Still just crawling all over the place! Oh...and he'll be 9 months old in a couple days!!! Love my little guy so much! Can't believe in 3 months, he'll be a year old!!!
Belly pic will probably come later this week! It's really starting to poike out there...at least it feels that way.
Baby this week? Baby is between 3.5 and 4 inches from head to butt. Baby is in there making faces. Baby might even possibly be starting to grow hair! If it's a girl, her eggs are already developed in her ovaries. If it's a boy, the prostate glad is in the process of developing!
Symptoms? Oy. Where do I start? Still nauseous on and off, though it's been MUCH better the last couple days. Gag reflex is at an all time high still. When I take the zofran, I get a headache. Though that it better than nausea. My eyes have been itching and burning the last few days. Then yesterday I started getting a stuffy nose, sore throat and sneezing a lot. And the sneezing still turns into gagging! Last night, I sneezed in bed and had a horrid sharp pain at my cesarean scar site! I swore I ruptured my uterus but the pain subsided pretty quickly. It just caught me off guard. Also...my digestive system has slowed to a crawl. Ugghhh... This happened last time too. All the hormones are notorious for this. But constipation has been an issue this week...which has been causing stomach cramps and tummy aches. Fatigue is letting up a bit. I can make it through the day without a nap...but am usually in bed pretty early. But other than those things, I feel fabulous. Lol.
Cravings/Aversions? So...things are looking up in this department...which I think is a good sign. I'm still not craving salads and chicken, which are staples in !u regular diet. But food is actually starting to sound good sometimes. Eating has been such a chore so even if it's just a snack or for 1 meal that I'm looking forward to eating, I'll take it!!! Mongolian grill sounded good for a minute today. Of course, I didn't get any because I was too tired but that's not the point!
Goals for the week? Since Mason is on the go so much, I really want to get my floors deep cleaned! I also want to clean the truck and install Masons new car seat! We have our next prenatal appointment tomorrow where we start the cervical length monitoring and weekly progesterone shots. So send put a little prayer that baby is doing well and everything looks OK!
Mason? No huge developments with Mason since last week! Still just crawling all over the place! Oh...and he'll be 9 months old in a couple days!!! Love my little guy so much! Can't believe in 3 months, he'll be a year old!!!
Belly pic will probably come later this week! It's really starting to poike out there...at least it feels that way.
Friday, April 24, 2015
Sad Day
Today is a sad day. One of my long time infertility girls lost her second baby boy. The first she lost while I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor last year. And today she lost her second. Both 2nd trimester losses. My heart breaks for her and her hubby. I cried for a good bit after reading her text. And now as I write this, I'm crying again. It's just not fair.
I hate infertility. So much.
As hard as the last few weeks have been with the constant nausea and fatigue, it is NOTHING to the pain of infertility and isn't even a blip on the radar compared to losing a baby. Shit, I amcurrently sitting in bed feeling nauseated and I am thanking my lucky stars.
It's also National Infertility Awareness Week. It may seem that I've "moved on" from my infertility days. I post about Mason a lot and about being a mom. But the truth is, I will never fully move on. It affects me every day. When I'm out with M, the thought is always in the back of my head that someone passing by may look at us and be hurting so much inside wondering "why her and not me?" When I start showing more PLUS I'm pushing aroundy baby in a stroller...? That's really going to ruin an infertiles day.
Maybe these thoughts will dull a little as time passes and I can be out in public without feeling guilty. I just remember those days when it hurt SO much to see others with what you so desperately want. You don't dislike that person. It just hurt to see some days.
I'm not sure if my friend reads my blog or not but I hope she knows she is on my mind and my heart is very heavy for her today. She is so so strong and whatever path she chooses from here, I will back her 100%. It has been a long road for her already and she has more strength than most people I know. My thoughts are with her as she mourns her baby boy.
As for me, I will just continue to never take a single moment for granted with Mason or with the baby in my belly. I don't have to "enjoy" every moment, because being a parent is not always easy. But I can certainly appreciate every moment!
I hate infertility. So much.
As hard as the last few weeks have been with the constant nausea and fatigue, it is NOTHING to the pain of infertility and isn't even a blip on the radar compared to losing a baby. Shit, I amcurrently sitting in bed feeling nauseated and I am thanking my lucky stars.
It's also National Infertility Awareness Week. It may seem that I've "moved on" from my infertility days. I post about Mason a lot and about being a mom. But the truth is, I will never fully move on. It affects me every day. When I'm out with M, the thought is always in the back of my head that someone passing by may look at us and be hurting so much inside wondering "why her and not me?" When I start showing more PLUS I'm pushing aroundy baby in a stroller...? That's really going to ruin an infertiles day.
Maybe these thoughts will dull a little as time passes and I can be out in public without feeling guilty. I just remember those days when it hurt SO much to see others with what you so desperately want. You don't dislike that person. It just hurt to see some days.
I'm not sure if my friend reads my blog or not but I hope she knows she is on my mind and my heart is very heavy for her today. She is so so strong and whatever path she chooses from here, I will back her 100%. It has been a long road for her already and she has more strength than most people I know. My thoughts are with her as she mourns her baby boy.
As for me, I will just continue to never take a single moment for granted with Mason or with the baby in my belly. I don't have to "enjoy" every moment, because being a parent is not always easy. But I can certainly appreciate every moment!
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
13 weeks
How Far Along? 13 weeks and 2 days
Baby This Week? Baby is about the size of a peach! Or around 3 inches from head to butt. Baby's head is starting to become a bit more proportional to his/her body. And baby is beginning to work on its motor skills. It's wriggling all over the place. I can't feel it yet, though. Also, I'm officially in the second trimester so the risk of miscarriage has gone down significantly! I can also find baby's heartbeat almost immediately with the doppler!
Symptoms? Ugh. Still nauseated but the last 3 days were pretty much 24/7. I couldn't even function. Garrett pretty much took care of Mason by himself (not that he minds AT ALL) but it's still hard not to feel guilty. Today has been ok but that's because I called and got a different nausea med. I'm taking Zofran. It's been helping but it's also giving me headaches. I'd rather have headaches than spend all day trying not to throw up. So the nausea has been ok today thought smells still make me gag. So does sneezing. I'm also very weepy. I cried watching a Disney commercial the other day. Lol
Cravings / Aversions? Everything is gross. I've survived the last week on plain noodles, crackers, and cereal. I've lost 6 pounds since my last OB appointment. Hopefully that number turns around. I'm all for weight loss but not while I'm trying to grow a person.
Goals for the Week? I just want to get my tummy back in track...and my appetite. I know that's not entirely under my control but I can pretend anyway.
Mason? He's all over the place. He can cover pretty big distances. He stays pretty entertained most of the time. But his new thing is wanting to be "up." And by the I meanhe'll crawl over to G or I and kneel, put his arms up and cry until we pick him up. He wants to be where we are. I can't complain. Makes me feel loved!
I'll post a belly pic later. I've got a sleeping baby on me right now! ;)
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Stuff.
I forgot my 12 week belly shot. Not much change. Just looking and feeling thicker.
And then I saw this image on FB and it goes with my post from the other day. It really reaffirms my feelings on the matter!
12 Weeks
How Far Along? 12 weeks 4 days. 3 more days until 2nd trimester.
Symptoms? This week has been better as far as nausea and fatigue. It's still not gone completely but last week was sooooo much worse! Oh it was terrible. It was like 24/7 barfy feeling. This week, it's mostly been queasiness at night. So that's been nice. Emotional "symptoms" are flaring up this week though. I have been feeling very overwhelmed. And I'm struggling with scary thoughts. Every time I pee and wipe, I expect blood. It's easy for people to tell you not to think that way and that everything will be ok but people don't know. Last pregnancy, I swear I had PTSD from infertility. This pregnancy, I think I have PTSD from my last pregnancy.
Cravings/ Aversions? I think this is starting to get better too. I went to the grocery store yesterday and my cart was filled with fruits and veggies. I cooked chicken and bacon at lunch time and made chicken bacon sandwiches with lettuce and veggies. Of course by dinner, I was back to wanting just cereal. But I'm moving in the right direction.
Sleep? Meh. About as good as can be when you're pregnant and caring for your 8 month old beebee! I'm tired, yes, but doing ok!
Goals for the Week? I joined the gym yesterday. I would like to make it there a couple times. I don't have real high expectations yet since I'm still not feeling great but maybe a swim or a bit on the bike or something would be therapeutic!
Mason? He is everywhere this week!!! A little crawling Machine! It's like he went from kinda crawling a tiny bit to moving everywhere like a pro overnight. Also, 2 teeth have broken the gums on the bottom. And he's got one little white dot on the top...but it hasn't broken through the gums yet. Oh, he's also kneeling. He'll pull himself up to a kneel when he's playing at his standing toys! He's having trouble sleeping all the way through the night without waking. But I think it's because of teething. But overall, he's my happy boy!!!
Symptoms? This week has been better as far as nausea and fatigue. It's still not gone completely but last week was sooooo much worse! Oh it was terrible. It was like 24/7 barfy feeling. This week, it's mostly been queasiness at night. So that's been nice. Emotional "symptoms" are flaring up this week though. I have been feeling very overwhelmed. And I'm struggling with scary thoughts. Every time I pee and wipe, I expect blood. It's easy for people to tell you not to think that way and that everything will be ok but people don't know. Last pregnancy, I swear I had PTSD from infertility. This pregnancy, I think I have PTSD from my last pregnancy.
Cravings/ Aversions? I think this is starting to get better too. I went to the grocery store yesterday and my cart was filled with fruits and veggies. I cooked chicken and bacon at lunch time and made chicken bacon sandwiches with lettuce and veggies. Of course by dinner, I was back to wanting just cereal. But I'm moving in the right direction.
Sleep? Meh. About as good as can be when you're pregnant and caring for your 8 month old beebee! I'm tired, yes, but doing ok!
Goals for the Week? I joined the gym yesterday. I would like to make it there a couple times. I don't have real high expectations yet since I'm still not feeling great but maybe a swim or a bit on the bike or something would be therapeutic!
Mason? He is everywhere this week!!! A little crawling Machine! It's like he went from kinda crawling a tiny bit to moving everywhere like a pro overnight. Also, 2 teeth have broken the gums on the bottom. And he's got one little white dot on the top...but it hasn't broken through the gums yet. Oh, he's also kneeling. He'll pull himself up to a kneel when he's playing at his standing toys! He's having trouble sleeping all the way through the night without waking. But I think it's because of teething. But overall, he's my happy boy!!!
Monday, April 13, 2015
Career?
I've been doing some deep soul searching about my future. After doing the mom thing for 8.5 months and realizing how much work it is to try and maintain my creative profession as a tattoo artist, I've come to the conclusion that some decisions need to be made.
When I don't tattoo for a while, I definitely miss it. When I don't paint for a while, I feel like I'm missing a part of myself. In the last few months, I've found that I just don't have the time to be a mom and tattoo and paint and get my workout in. I have not painted since December and it's killing me. But I've used every ounce of free time on tattooing and workouts.
Doing the mom thing isn't even in question here. I've wanted to be a mom...and a stay at home one, for a long time. This is where I want to be. Working out is also something that's not up for debate. I need to be in shape for a million reasons.
So that just leaves painting and tattooing. The big thing that is making this decision so difficult is I feel like I would be letting so many people down! I know i have to make the decision for myself...and really, I already know the answer. But I don't want to admit it.
I've said it before, painting is my passion. With 2 kids under 2, I am going to be busy for a while. I do think I will go back to it down the road. But as of right now, it's going to be too much. I'm already busy enough with one kid!!
We won't have very much money...but enough to be comfortable and with me staying home with babies, we can save on childcare. And I won't miss anything in these precious first few years! So thankful for that. I just don't want to break the news to the rest of the world...
When I don't tattoo for a while, I definitely miss it. When I don't paint for a while, I feel like I'm missing a part of myself. In the last few months, I've found that I just don't have the time to be a mom and tattoo and paint and get my workout in. I have not painted since December and it's killing me. But I've used every ounce of free time on tattooing and workouts.
Doing the mom thing isn't even in question here. I've wanted to be a mom...and a stay at home one, for a long time. This is where I want to be. Working out is also something that's not up for debate. I need to be in shape for a million reasons.
So that just leaves painting and tattooing. The big thing that is making this decision so difficult is I feel like I would be letting so many people down! I know i have to make the decision for myself...and really, I already know the answer. But I don't want to admit it.
I've said it before, painting is my passion. With 2 kids under 2, I am going to be busy for a while. I do think I will go back to it down the road. But as of right now, it's going to be too much. I'm already busy enough with one kid!!
We won't have very much money...but enough to be comfortable and with me staying home with babies, we can save on childcare. And I won't miss anything in these precious first few years! So thankful for that. I just don't want to break the news to the rest of the world...
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Relax
I knew this was going to happen.
"See. The second you relax and stopped trying/stressing, you get pregnant."
No.
No. No. No. No. No!
The infertility causes the stress. Stress does not cause the infertility.
Sometimes, when you have a baby, you body will Kickstart and you have a nice little fertile window. But let me be clear. This is not always the case. Some people experience both primary and secondary infertility. Sometimes, people experience just secondary infertility. The key is not relaxing. Sometimes medical anomalies happen.
My biggest fear is that people will use me in their anecdotal information of how I just relaxed and got pregnant it is not that simple. Ya know, "my friend did ivf and then she relaxed and got pregnant on her own." I don't want to be that person. Relaxing does not cure a medical condition. PERIOD!
In fact, it feels like a miracle to me because not only were we not trying. But we were preventing. Let's look at all the reasons why the probability of this pregnancy is so low.
1) Birth control. Ok so we figured out that I was already pregnant before I started the pill. But condoms are pretty reliable...right? And I was adamant about using them because I worried if I got pregnant too early, my uterus wouldn't be ready. Also, I really wanted to be back to my original weight.
2) Frequency. After you have a baby, you're tired. And you don't feel sexy with milk squirting out of your boobs and not having showered for 3 days straight. You just don't feel that sexy. At least I didn't. So I rarely put out. (TMI?) But seriously. I don't even think we averaged once a week.
3) Timing. I had one real period since having Mason. And it was in December. I got pregnant at the end of January. That means I ovulated like 40 days after my period. That isn't exactly normal. So somehow we timed is just perfectly, which is crazy because of the frequency we were actually doing "the deed." Then factor in the condom and that one had to sneak by.
4) Low sperm count/motility. Garrett has been tested soooo many times. Each time, he had the same results. Very low count and low motility. Ok so now we have sickly sperm that has to get through a condom, go down the right fallopian tube, that just happened to be on a night we did it that just happened to be when I was ovulating. The odds have to be astronomical.
And THAT is why I believe it is nothing short of a miracle. Perhaps karma if that's more up your alley. But it was definitely NOT because we relaxed.
So if you tell your friends about us, or have an infertile friend, tell them our story....but do NOT chock up this miracle to "relaxing." Please!
"See. The second you relax and stopped trying/stressing, you get pregnant."
No.
No. No. No. No. No!
The infertility causes the stress. Stress does not cause the infertility.
Sometimes, when you have a baby, you body will Kickstart and you have a nice little fertile window. But let me be clear. This is not always the case. Some people experience both primary and secondary infertility. Sometimes, people experience just secondary infertility. The key is not relaxing. Sometimes medical anomalies happen.
My biggest fear is that people will use me in their anecdotal information of how I just relaxed and got pregnant it is not that simple. Ya know, "my friend did ivf and then she relaxed and got pregnant on her own." I don't want to be that person. Relaxing does not cure a medical condition. PERIOD!
In fact, it feels like a miracle to me because not only were we not trying. But we were preventing. Let's look at all the reasons why the probability of this pregnancy is so low.
1) Birth control. Ok so we figured out that I was already pregnant before I started the pill. But condoms are pretty reliable...right? And I was adamant about using them because I worried if I got pregnant too early, my uterus wouldn't be ready. Also, I really wanted to be back to my original weight.
2) Frequency. After you have a baby, you're tired. And you don't feel sexy with milk squirting out of your boobs and not having showered for 3 days straight. You just don't feel that sexy. At least I didn't. So I rarely put out. (TMI?) But seriously. I don't even think we averaged once a week.
3) Timing. I had one real period since having Mason. And it was in December. I got pregnant at the end of January. That means I ovulated like 40 days after my period. That isn't exactly normal. So somehow we timed is just perfectly, which is crazy because of the frequency we were actually doing "the deed." Then factor in the condom and that one had to sneak by.
4) Low sperm count/motility. Garrett has been tested soooo many times. Each time, he had the same results. Very low count and low motility. Ok so now we have sickly sperm that has to get through a condom, go down the right fallopian tube, that just happened to be on a night we did it that just happened to be when I was ovulating. The odds have to be astronomical.
And THAT is why I believe it is nothing short of a miracle. Perhaps karma if that's more up your alley. But it was definitely NOT because we relaxed.
So if you tell your friends about us, or have an infertile friend, tell them our story....but do NOT chock up this miracle to "relaxing." Please!
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Yucky.
Mason, I will gI've you $50 if you take a nap. I'll double it if you nap in your crib.
In case you haven't guessed, mama's tired and still not feeling well. I'm struggling eating anything. I've even been trying the usual things I like and I'm still struggling. I hope I have enough nutrients left in my reserves for nugget. I'm probably iron deficient. And I haven't been able to choke down my prenatal vitamin in a few days. Maybe I'll have G pick me up some Flintstones vitamins. I could probably get those down.
I cannot wait till this phase passes. It makes me question my mothering ability. I don't want Mason to get the raw end of the deal because I'm pregs again so soon. If the nausea doesn't ease up in a couple days, I'll check in with my O.B. Maybe she has a different anti nausea med to try. I'm usually not so quick to ask for pills but I have a little guy relying on me during the day while G is at work.
I'm glad this part really doesn't last long in the grand scheme. Honestly, I would just skip to the end if I could. I make a terrible pregnant person. Am I thankful that I am pregnant? Absolutely. But I'm pretty sure this is the last one.
In case you haven't guessed, mama's tired and still not feeling well. I'm struggling eating anything. I've even been trying the usual things I like and I'm still struggling. I hope I have enough nutrients left in my reserves for nugget. I'm probably iron deficient. And I haven't been able to choke down my prenatal vitamin in a few days. Maybe I'll have G pick me up some Flintstones vitamins. I could probably get those down.
I cannot wait till this phase passes. It makes me question my mothering ability. I don't want Mason to get the raw end of the deal because I'm pregs again so soon. If the nausea doesn't ease up in a couple days, I'll check in with my O.B. Maybe she has a different anti nausea med to try. I'm usually not so quick to ask for pills but I have a little guy relying on me during the day while G is at work.
I'm glad this part really doesn't last long in the grand scheme. Honestly, I would just skip to the end if I could. I make a terrible pregnant person. Am I thankful that I am pregnant? Absolutely. But I'm pretty sure this is the last one.
Monday, April 6, 2015
11 weeks
How Far Along? 11 weeks and 2 days today
Baby This Week? Baby is getting ready for a big growth spurt this week. It will almost double in size this week! The eyes and ears are making their way to the proper spots as well. Most of the vital organs are done developing. The reproductive organs are becoming more distinguished.
Symptoms? Omigosh. Today has been so rough. I forgot my Bendectin last night (which I take for nausea) and I am sincerely paying for it today. Ugh. I will not be doing that again. I will also be ready for my normal appetite to return. I'm eating what sounds good still and it's not exactly a balanced diet. Headaches have been ok. I have one today but I think because I'm dehydrated.
Cravings/Aversions? Like I said, I'm just eating what sounds good. The other day, I didn't want anything for dinner other than an orange Julius. Literally NOTHING else sounded good. It's not even that other things don't sound good, they sound gaggy. So I just eat what I can. Surprisingly, I haven't gained any weight yet. Which has really does surprise meconsidering my diet.
Sleep? Shitty. So many pee trips at night...
Goals for the Week? Get some good walking in. It's not very warm out so it will probably be mall walking or something equally ridiculous but gotta make sure my little man stays warm.
Mason? Mason did a little forward crawling this week. He won't do it when you want him to and he still mostly scoots around with other methods. But he's slowly getting it. He's pretty tired and cranky today but I think we all are. Hopefully we can grab another nap at some point. (Yes. I did say another nap...as in we already had one. Lol)
Baby This Week? Baby is getting ready for a big growth spurt this week. It will almost double in size this week! The eyes and ears are making their way to the proper spots as well. Most of the vital organs are done developing. The reproductive organs are becoming more distinguished.
Symptoms? Omigosh. Today has been so rough. I forgot my Bendectin last night (which I take for nausea) and I am sincerely paying for it today. Ugh. I will not be doing that again. I will also be ready for my normal appetite to return. I'm eating what sounds good still and it's not exactly a balanced diet. Headaches have been ok. I have one today but I think because I'm dehydrated.
Cravings/Aversions? Like I said, I'm just eating what sounds good. The other day, I didn't want anything for dinner other than an orange Julius. Literally NOTHING else sounded good. It's not even that other things don't sound good, they sound gaggy. So I just eat what I can. Surprisingly, I haven't gained any weight yet. Which has really does surprise meconsidering my diet.
Sleep? Shitty. So many pee trips at night...
Goals for the Week? Get some good walking in. It's not very warm out so it will probably be mall walking or something equally ridiculous but gotta make sure my little man stays warm.
Mason? Mason did a little forward crawling this week. He won't do it when you want him to and he still mostly scoots around with other methods. But he's slowly getting it. He's pretty tired and cranky today but I think we all are. Hopefully we can grab another nap at some point. (Yes. I did say another nap...as in we already had one. Lol)
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