Parenting Confession

The hardest part of the day isn't when Mason is being fussy. Or when he cries at 3 am.  It's not when he overflows his diaper.  It's after he falls asleep in my arms at night and then I have to put him in his crib.  I just want to cuddle him all night. I just don't understand how it is possible to love a little human SO much.

With that being said, here is my confession. And I'm hope I'm not alone in this thought, but it's hard to imagine loving someone else as much as I love little man.  I KNOW I will.  And I know it will not even be an issue.  It's just hard to wrap my head around because my heart feels so full.  

I do already love the new peanut so much.  So I just want to be clear about that!  Mason was very planned. Not just once. But over and over again until he happened.  I felt like I had been bonding with him before he even existed.  This baby was beyond a surprise.  So it's been kinda bazaar trying to wrap my head around it.  I worry I don't have the time to bond that I did with Mason.  I mean, I'm already almost to the 3rd trimester and I'm still adjusting to the fact that I'm pregnant. 

I hope this doesn't sound bad.  I know that I will love new baby just as much as Mason.  I do know that.  It's just crazy to think I'll have so much love for my kiddos...I just may burst!!! lol

I was reminiscing about the day M was born and I'm so looking forward to that with this new peanut. 

10 weeks

I'm taking a step back from my fears concerning this pregnancy to focus on my weekly update. I decided to add a section, though. Mason updates!

How far?  10 weeks exactly today!

Baby this week:  Baby is about the size of a prune (about 1.2 inches). All of the vital organs are formed and are beginning to function.  Baby is working on little tiny fingernails and toenails as well as teeth buds.

Symptoms:  The anti nausea pill I'm taking has been taking the edge off the nausea. It's not gone completely but it's definitely helping a lot.  I started getting headaches.  And Tylenol I complete garbage so ive been doing iced tea lemonade for the little bit of caffeine.  I tried to do an iced coffee but I just don't think I like coffee anymore.  Still fighting fatigue as well but I'm almost in the clear for this a stuff!  I just need to make it a few more weeks.  But at the same time, I'd rather deal with this than the worry that will come with the second trimester.

Cravings/Aversions:  For some reason, I was craving cranberry sauce today. Lol.  Still have lots of aversions to my normal foods I usually love. Oh, and I've been wanting LOTS of iced tea.  I only allow myself 1/day because of the caffeine.

Sleep:  Sleep has actually been pretty good!  My back has felt really good.mother than getting up to pee every 5 minutes, I've slept pretty well.  That doesn't mean I'm not still tired when o get up with Mason. Lol

Goals this week:  I just want to make it through the week without a major meltdown.

Mason Update:  Mason is 8 months old today!!!!  Yaaaayy!!  So proud of my little man! He's now consistently pushing himself from his belly into a seated position.  He's all smiles during the day and all screams at night. Haha!  He fights sleep just like his mama (when she's not pregnant...which seems to be a lot these days.). Mason is not technically crawling yet, but he's moving all over the floor by going backwards, turning himself around and rolling over. So we need to do some more baby proofing with our cords and whatnot.  He's doing so well!

Well. That's it. I'm going to post my 10 week bump on a day or so.

Terrified

I'm officially terrified.

I was reading an article about being flexible about your birth plan (something I can totally relate to) but then found myself reading a horrific story about a rupturing uterus.  I immediately started thinking about all the damage that was done to my uterus/cervix and I got this sinking feeling in my gut.  I'm so scared.  I think I have pushed these thoughts away, trying not to truly think about the potential risks being pregnant this quick with such a traumatic amount of damage to my uterua without ample time to recover.  What have I done?!?

Now I feel like a pile of shit.  Did I put this baby and myself in harms way by becoming pregnant so fast?!  I mean, we didn't plan this and we were even preventing.  I'm soooo scared. I know worrying won't help but I need to at least address these fears. Pretending like they aren't there won't help either.  I didn't intentionally read a story that would have a trigger. But now I can't unread it.

Why can't I just have a fucking normal body?!  With the normal discomforts of pregnancy. I know even normal pregnancies don't go worry free either.  But you have to admit, I have a little extra added worry in my case.

OK...  Breeeeaaathe...

Our next appointment is in a month.  We are OK right now. Baby is still small. My uterus is still pretty small. There is no immediate danger at this moment!  I will address my concerns with Dr. Miser at our next appointment.  Maybe she can give me a little peace of mind.  Perhaps I am just overly paranoid.

I just pray to whatever god is out there to please keep me and this baby safe.  This baby was not exactly planned, but now that it's here, I want him/her just as much as I wanted Mason!

I'm such damaged goods. I hope I can do this.  I hope my body can do this!

Frustration

I'm feeling very ready to throw in the towel on this whole tattooing thing. So frustrated.  And sometimes, people within the industry are the ones ruining things. Ugh. I don't know.  Maybe I'm just tired and hormonal.

Anyway. Moving on.

I went in to the hospital today to have all my labs done.  They draw like a thousand vials of blood. Lol. Good thing needles don't bug me.  After that, I went to get my nausea meds. I start those tonight.  I really hope they help.

Not much new beyond that.  Just trying G to make it out of this trimester. I hate this depleted feeling!!!  Ugghhh...

1st OB Appt.

We had our  appointment today! Baby measured right on point. 9 weeks, 2 days!  We got to watch baby wiggle all over so that was pretty amazing! It's crazy what 1 week will do at this stage of development!  

So the plan:

Starting at 14 weeks (which will be our next appointment), we will go in every 2 weeks for a cervical length check. I will also be doing progesterone injections. Dr. Miser actually wants to try and get around doing a cerclage...which is why we will be so heavily monitored. She said the reason is because of all the damage my cervix/uterus sustained and how close these babies are. Soooo, we'll see what happens. If my cervical length starts to shorten, we'll revisit a cerclage.

Also, since these babies are so close together, Dr. Miser is thinking a repeat C section is going to be the way to go, again, due to the damage to mycervix and how short of time has passed between babies. I really don't mind a repeat.  It is major abdominal surgery, but it's not too bad. It's totally doable. And now I know what it entails so it's really not that big a deal.

So that's that. I posted a 9 week belly pic Since the last pic was my 8 week one.

I go in for all the blood work sometime this week. So crazy that this is actually happening. Eek!

9 weeks (and 1 day)

I'm going to start doing my weekly pregnancy updates here. I fizzled out last time on them. But I'll try again.

How far along?  9 weeks and 1 day. (Holy buckets!!!)

Symptoms?  Still super nauseous on and off through the whole day. Small appetite. Very little sounds good to me so I pretty much choke down anything I can. The fatigue I insane.  It is so much more difficult to deal with any of it with a 7 month old. I want to still be able to play with him so I've been sucking it up. Another weird symptom that I've been dealing with is a rash. Its not super itchy or anything. But I broke out in bumps all over !y body! So weird! I make such a terrible pregnant person.

Baby this week?  Baby is the size of a green olive. His/her hands are less like paddles and more like hands and feet with fingers and toes!  Its embryonic tail is gone and it's looking more human!  Its eyes are done developing and are fused shut for the next 16 weeks or so.

Cravings/Aversions?  I was craving pudding this week. And pickles for about 5 minutes.  Aversions include everything else. Haha!  Garrett made popcorn the other day and the smell was TERRIBLE! Smaller like straight up barf. Lol. I can't wait to be done with this phase...

Sleep?  Between waking up to pee and waking up for Mason, it's been pretty terrible. However, I'm super thankful I've been doing PT because my back has actually been feeling pretty damn good! So that has been a nice change!

Goals for the week?  Our first OB appointment is tomorrow so I think my first goal is to get some sort of game plan for this pregnancy.  Find out my restrictions for working out and if I get cleared for swimming, I will most likely rejoin the Peak so I can start swimming again.  I'm super busy at work this week so my other goal is to just make it through this week of work without having to cancel on anyone. Oh and I'm going to ask for some anti nausea stuff. Because I just can't do it this time around. If I didn't have a 7 month old and such a busy schedule at work, I could. But it's been a task to work through the sick feeling. So I'm giving in this time.

1st trimester yuckies

I was saying in my other post how mild my symptoms have been.

Nope.

Feel like shit...but this time it's harder to deal with because I can't wait it out when I have a 7 month old. But I think I will get some Zofran or something this time around to deal with the nausea part. As far as the fatigue, it seems to help if I get up and move. Even if it's just a little walk.

The good news is that last time, this stuff only lasted through about week 13 or 14. So not too much longer since I'm almost 9 weeks now.

I'm getting anxious to find out our plan with Dr. Miser. Only a few more days until we meet with her.

First Ultrasound

We had an ultrasound yesterday with our amazing ex fertility specialist!  She squeazed us in because she's amazing!  I feel so much better too. Baby looks good!  Measuring about 8 weeks and 3 days!  Heartbeat sounded good as well. I'm so relieved!  I was so scared that it was all too good to be true. I worried about ectopic. Or that there would be nothing in the sac. But all is well.  I'm still nervous...but until we hit the week of viability, I probably will be. And probably even after that. Our appointment with our OB is next week so I will know a bit more about our game plan then.  But for now, I can breathe a little bit.

My symptoms are much more mild this time around. Or maybe I just know how to deal with them better. I'm still nauseous in the morning. I'm getting the occasional heartburn. But the worst symptom is definitely fatigue.  But I know it goes away in the 2nd trimester so I'll just ride it out and try to push through as much as I can.  It seems like if I keep snacks handy, I can stay ahead of the nausea. So pretty goods so far.

In other news, Mason hasn't been feeling so hot the last couple days.  He had his first up the back poop. And today, he had an up the back and front poop. Poor kiddo. Doesn't have a fever. But he also seems to be tugging at his ears more so I am sure we will be bringing him in just to make sure.

Our other baby, Gaz, had to go to the vet again!  We thought is was just a bad ear infection. Nope. She ruptured her ear drum. She showed literally NO signs of irritation or pain until Saturday night.  She's such a beast but it makes it hard for us to tell when she's in pain or how serious it is! When she tore her acl, she still wanted to play fetch. We brought her in thinking it was just a sprain or something. Little turkey.  Toughest dog I know.

That's all for updates right now.  I'll start doing weekly updates again and belly shots soon.  I didn't make it back to my original weight but that's OK.  I tried my hardest, anyway!  And I'll continue to work on at least staying active as long as possible this time around as well!

Toodles!

Sinking In

So now that I've had a few days to digest the news, I am going to try to express myself a little more coherently.

It still has not fully sunk in yet but little by little, I'm accepting the fact that I am, indeed, pregnant. We got our blood test back. My hcg level was in the 16,000's. It's almost impossible to tell where you're at just from the blood test alone, but my OB made the guess between 6-8 weeks.  My initial guess was 6 weeks...just because of my symptoms.  But if you were to go by my last period, and a typical 28 day cycle, I would be 11 weeks so I don't think that's right! I must have ovulated later than that.

I don't know. I'm going to go crazy wondering about this.  And I have to wait almost 2 weeks to find out.  Ahhhh!

I'm still nervous. I just want to see the little nugget and known that everything is OK!

Soooo...yeeeeaaahhh.....

I'm not entirely sure who is still even following this blog..  But if you've been a faithful reader...even through my dull posts, again, you get some privileged information.  I just ask that you don't let it spill out onto FB quite yet.

I'm pregnant.

Yep. You read that right.  It took 7 years and $30,000+ to get pregnant with Mason. And now, we get pregnant through 2 different methods of birth control. Although, I may have been pregnant before I started the pill. I'm not sure how far along I am.

I took 3 different pregnancy tests, all blaring positives. My last and only period since having Mason was December 17th. But I don't have normal 28 day cycles so there is no way to pinpoint ovulation short of an ultrasound.  Of course I find all this out on a Friday afternoon...so I didn't get in for amblood test until like 4 and knew I wouldn't hear back from them until (hopefully) today.

As far as how I'm doing emotionally...aside from the utter shock, I'm thrilled, of course. Worried. Scared.  Grateful.  Did I mention I am in shock still?

I had symptoms that make sense in retrospect. But could be easily explained away.  The first was every time I blow !y nose, I have bloody boogers. I know. I know. Gross. But that happened in early pregnancy with Mason. But, the air has been soooo insanely dry here that I just didn't think anything of it.  And literally the day before infested, I was sitting in the couch telling Garrett that there is no reason I should be this tired. I was like extremely fatigued. But I do have a 7 month old so I just chocked that up to the tiredness catching up to me. And then the final thing that actually made me test was I was on birth control and never got my period.  That's never happened before, even with my crazy PCOS stuff.  I still didn't think in a million years that I was pregnant. I just wanted to rule it out before I started the next month of birth control. Needless to say, when I saw that positive pop up, I couldn't believe it.

So now, I'm just waiting for gynecology to open up today so I can call and get my results and make an appointment. I'm so scared.  I feel so unprepared. I'm supposed to be on progesterone for the first at least 10 weeks and I have no idea where I'm at.  I just want to know everything looks OK! I know worrying doesn't help anything and I'm trying not to but...I just need some piece of mind! I have been lifting heavy. Eating fish. Had no prenatal care.

OK. I need to chill out! I'll call in about an hour to get things rolling! Ahhhh!!!

Changed plans!

So...a little update on our plans for the FET. I spoke with pur coordinator a little more specifically about our plans for November and she then spoke with our doctor out there about the plan to run a half marathon the day before a transfer. He doesn't recommend it. Soooo we have revised our plan.

There is a half in Seattle in July. So we are going to try to get in for a consultation then...and then possibly get rolling on a FET shortly after.  We were initially going to do the consult over the phones this time but I prefer to do them in person anyway.

So we are looking at an FET closer to the end of summer or beginning of fall! Honestly, that would be better anyway. The less we have to worry about winter roads/driving, the better. Especially since we will have Mason with us!

So now, we are just waiting to hear from our coordinator on the exact date of our consultation.

I'm learning to let go of the idea of getting back down to my lowest weight before all this goes a down. If I'm in good enough health to run a half marathon, screw the weight part!!! I just want to be strong enough to not be miserable if I do, by chance, get pregnant again.

Growing Boy, Running, and Work

I'm sitting here watching mason drink out of a beginner sippy cup and it's totally tripping me out!  Most of it is running down his chin but still, it's pretty amazing how fast these little ones learn things!  Makes me so proud!  I don't really wish for time to slow down because it's so amazing watching him learn new things!!! I may feel differently if I weren't going to try for another child! But I am soaking up every moment with him and not taking any of it for granted.  

In other news, I bought myself a pair of good running shoes!  I am still not released to run yet, but that's alright. I haaaate the treadmill and I'm not hardcore enough to run in the snow and 0 degree weather.  But I'm ready for when it starts to warm up a bit! Mostly doing weight training and PT right now. And making sure I'm fueling my body with the proper foods.  

If you know me, you know that patience is NOT one of my strong points.  So, naturally, I'm struggling with what feels like lack of progress.  It didn't happen fast before, either.  In fact, it took 4 years for me to lose 70 lbs.  I have 20 to go to get to my first goal.  And 30 to get to my lowest. But, ideally, I'd just like to get to my first goal before doing our FET.  

I usually don't place a lot of importance on the scale...however, I feel like it should have moved a little more than 5 lbs since having Mason. Especially with how careful I am with my nutrition and how consistent I am with working out.  So, yes. I am frustrated.  But, as usual, it won't keep me from keeping it up! I suppose it wouldn't be as rewarding if it were easy.  

But it is definitely getting old.  Especially when I hear about how so and so is tracking their calories and is losing massive weight.  What the hell do I have to do?! Cripes! Lol. Nah. It's all good. I'm just having a rough time I with it.  Maybe once I introduce running in addition to weight training, it'll help? Who knows?

Work stuff is going OK. I've been soooo busy with the tattooing that I haven't painted in nearly 3 months. Not good.  I mean, I suppose it's good but I miss painting. I hope the tattoos slow a bit so I can paint.  It's time!!!