Stretched too thin

I'm feeling a little worn out. Yeah yeah...I have a new baby...it's to be expected.  But I literally have not slept more than 3 hours, maybe 4 hours at a time since Malcolm was born.  And probably even before then since the last few months of pregnancy are so much fun and you have to pee every 3 minutes. 

Honestly, it's not just the sleep deprivation (though, let's be honest, that doesn't help) but I feel like I'm being stretched too thin.  I have no time to be "Nessa." I'm always "mom." Don't get me wrong!  I WANT to be mom 99% of the time.  And i know these early months are tough, especially when you have a 1 year old on the mix. And i do know it will get better. I just have to keep myself from breaking before I get to that point.  I remember the early texts from Kari last year when she was at this stage. You feel like you're always screwing someone over.  

This morning, my usually non-snuggly boy came to sit on my lap while he ate his snack and watched Robin Hood. I was absolutely in hog heaven. About a minute into our snuggle, guess who became distraught with hunger. Yup. The littlest.  So I felt I just couldn't win thus morning.  I had set Malcolm down for a minute to get a few moments in with Mase. But by doing that, Malcolm got upset. So I had to move Mase so I could go feed the little one. I have almost no time to be a wife. And even less time to be Nessa.  

I'm really hoping taking an hour to work out will help me feel a little less stretched too thin. Even as I take a few minutes to write this, I'm holding a paci in with my pinkie and playing with Mase with my foot. 

I need a recharge during the day. Bad. Of course with it being Christmas time, and with me needing dental work, we have no extra money for me to take my gym membership off of hold. And any spare moment I have goes to painting Christmas presents. Working out at home is not an option right now. Mentally, it just work. Too much happening in my house to focus. I need to leave the house. I need a gym right now. At least until I get in the habit of allowing myself an hour a day to recharge my mom batteries.

I loooove being mom! It's my favorite thing in the whole world!!!!  When I'm not with my boys, I miss them terribly. Even if it's just for a few hours. But I still need a moment to remember my identity outside of mom. I never understood this as an infertile woman. But I get it now.