Being a Mom...

I've spent the last few days recovering from a tummy bug. And although it's been less than fun, it's the first time I've slowed down in over 2 months. It was probably my body telling me not to forget about myself.

However, it got me thinking about all those little things I do every day.  Things I don't give myself credit for.  At the end of the day, sometimes I feel I didn't do enough. But my day is FILLED with little acts of love. Every second of every day, I'm doing things that hopefully make my boys feel loved and cared for.

Being sick has made me realize that, yes, I absolutely do need that time during the day to remember that I need some TLC too. But it's also got me missing those little things I do every day. What it is to be a mom.

Being a mom is holding a pacifier in your new baby's mouth while simultaneously trying to sneak in a few Z's.

Being a mom is taking a bite of the soggy gross half eaten cracker your toddler is so excitedly shoving in your face and trying to share.

Being a mom is watching Robin Hood 3 times a day since your baby was old enough to focus.

Being a mom is pacing your hallways and living room at 3 a.m. in an effort to console your newborn who just can't seem to adjust to this great big world.

Being a mom is cutting your toddlers dinner into chewable pieces and still worry about choking because he grabs 4 of those tiny pieces at a time.

Being a mom is having cold dinner every night.

...or shoveling your dinner in your mouth at lightning speed while you have a minute in between diaper changes.

Being a mom is melting at the simple gesture of your baby reaching their hand up to you while they sleep on your chest.

Being a mom is tripping over the same damn noise making toy 50 times a day. And also putting away said toy 50 times a day.

Being a mom is knowing all the words and singing along with every singing toy your kid has.

Being a mom is having your arm completely fall asleep while your baby sleeps on it and just sucking it up because he's finally asleep.

Being a mom is having entire conversations with your toddler as they babble excitedly all the jibberish they can think of.

Being a mom is sitting on the floor with your toddler and trying to read to them but only getting a few lines out before he comes and takes it to "read it himself."

Being a mom is loading your kids in and out of car seats multiple times a day.

Being a mom is making sure you don't leave the house without snacks.

Being a mom is obsessing over that tiny red bump on your baby's face.

Being a mom is wishing you could take any and all pain your child us feeling away and feeling crushed and helpless because you can't.

Being a mom is hearing your kid belly laugh and thinking there is no better sound in the world.

Being a mom is seeing peril everywhere in your house when your baby starts walking.

Being a mom is spending a busy tired day just wanting a "little breather" and then when you finally get one, all you can do is talk or think about your kids.

Being a mom is squeezing in 15 minutes of painting while your babies are somehow napping at the same time.

Being a mom is having cracked/dry/bleeding hands from washing and sanitizing bottles 50 times a day.

Being a mom is living your day in 3 hour increments so you can make sure your home in time to pump.

Being a mom is having to make loose plans with people because you can't ever be sure when your kids will nap or if they are going to have a bad day or be sick.

Being a mom is texting your mom friends for ideas at random hours because your child is teething and you've tried everything and they are still miserable.

I could honestly keep going all day about what I've learned about being a mom is my very short time as a mom so far. And I'm sure this list evolves with every passing year. I'm sure I could write a list when my boys are in their 30's and still have just as much to say. But the bottom line is, being a mom is filled with so many small gestures of love every day.  I think those are the important ones.  Those are the things that make our children feel safe, happy and loved.

Being a mom is tiring, exhausting, and full time but it is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't change a fucking thing. I am beyond blessed to be able to experience motherhood and all the little things that make up being a mom.

Stretched too thin

I'm feeling a little worn out. Yeah yeah...I have a new baby...it's to be expected.  But I literally have not slept more than 3 hours, maybe 4 hours at a time since Malcolm was born.  And probably even before then since the last few months of pregnancy are so much fun and you have to pee every 3 minutes. 

Honestly, it's not just the sleep deprivation (though, let's be honest, that doesn't help) but I feel like I'm being stretched too thin.  I have no time to be "Nessa." I'm always "mom." Don't get me wrong!  I WANT to be mom 99% of the time.  And i know these early months are tough, especially when you have a 1 year old on the mix. And i do know it will get better. I just have to keep myself from breaking before I get to that point.  I remember the early texts from Kari last year when she was at this stage. You feel like you're always screwing someone over.  

This morning, my usually non-snuggly boy came to sit on my lap while he ate his snack and watched Robin Hood. I was absolutely in hog heaven. About a minute into our snuggle, guess who became distraught with hunger. Yup. The littlest.  So I felt I just couldn't win thus morning.  I had set Malcolm down for a minute to get a few moments in with Mase. But by doing that, Malcolm got upset. So I had to move Mase so I could go feed the little one. I have almost no time to be a wife. And even less time to be Nessa.  

I'm really hoping taking an hour to work out will help me feel a little less stretched too thin. Even as I take a few minutes to write this, I'm holding a paci in with my pinkie and playing with Mase with my foot. 

I need a recharge during the day. Bad. Of course with it being Christmas time, and with me needing dental work, we have no extra money for me to take my gym membership off of hold. And any spare moment I have goes to painting Christmas presents. Working out at home is not an option right now. Mentally, it just work. Too much happening in my house to focus. I need to leave the house. I need a gym right now. At least until I get in the habit of allowing myself an hour a day to recharge my mom batteries.

I loooove being mom! It's my favorite thing in the whole world!!!!  When I'm not with my boys, I miss them terribly. Even if it's just for a few hours. But I still need a moment to remember my identity outside of mom. I never understood this as an infertile woman. But I get it now.