I've officially hit my 6 week mark, however, my OB is right in the middle of moving practices. So I have to wait a bit for my follow up. I cannot wait to start working out again, especially knowing I am done having kids. My body is my own again!!! Well, aside from pumping milk for Mr. Malcolm. And, ooohh myyy Godddd, will I be happy when I can quit that!!! I'm pumping every 2-3 hours, or at least that's what I shoot for, and I am producing a shit ton of milk. Don't get me wrong. I am beyond thankful for that because with Mason, I struggled to pump even an ounce by about 2 months. And as of right now, I'm pumping about 50-60 oz a day.
But...
I HATE PUMPING! My boobs are trashed. They are sore and my nips hurt. Having your boobs sucked halfway down a funnel a million times a day is not a good time. Plus, it's insanely inconvenient when caring for 2 boys. But, it's all for my little man. I feel a bit more pressure to make it work this time than I did with Mason because keeping Malcolm healthy is vital. It could affect his surgery date if he isn't healthy enough or at a goods weight! So while it won't be the worst thing in the world of my supply runs out (Mase was a formula baby and did just fine), I just would like Malcolm to have the benefits of breast milk at least until his surgery in May. But the though of pumping until then makes my boobs want to shrivel up and fall off.
In other news, I had sort of a meltdown this morning. I got super overwhelmed. I felt like I was only doing a mediocre job at everything; being a mom, wife, cleaning, making sure kids have clean clothes... G does his fair share too, but he works so I tend to do most of the housework. It just works out well that way for us. But today, G asked me to get WHOLE wheat bread instead of just "wheat" bread and I broke down. I took it as me not being good enough. I was already feeling overwhelmed. Malcolm does not like to be set down...at all. So when I set him down, he cries and I feel like a shitty mom. But when I'm holding him nonstop, I feel like I can't play with Mason or address his needs fully and that makes me feel like a shitty mom. It doesn't always feel this way but some days are just harder than others. I know it will get easier as Malcolm gets a little older and even a little more independent. But right now, some days are just freaking hard.
And then I haven't slept in the same bed as G for about a month because one or the other of us is on Malcolm duty at night! And since he's at a stage where he just cries nonstop if you set him down, whoever is on Malcolm duty stays in the living room on the couch with him. I don't feel comfortable having him sleep in our bed with us because G is a HEAVY sleeper. So until Malcolm gets to the point where he will sleep in the co sleeper or rock and play, this is how we all get the most sleep...which still isn't very much, honestly. So I feel like I'm neglecting my hubs on top of being a bad mom. Me and G still need time to be a couple and not just mom and dad. I think that is important for our relationship too.
Like I said, I don't feel like this every day and I do know I'll find my groove but it's all still so new and I feel overwhelmed a lot right now! I think that's why taking an hour a day and working out or going to the gym will really help. I'll have that time to just focus on myself and to remind myself that while being a mom is by far, my favorite part of me, it's not the ONLY part and I deserve a little time to myself once in a while. And then I can get back to the craziness of my family with hopefully a refreshed state of mind.
Anyway, I should be using this time to sleep so I'm gonna go do that.
But...
I HATE PUMPING! My boobs are trashed. They are sore and my nips hurt. Having your boobs sucked halfway down a funnel a million times a day is not a good time. Plus, it's insanely inconvenient when caring for 2 boys. But, it's all for my little man. I feel a bit more pressure to make it work this time than I did with Mason because keeping Malcolm healthy is vital. It could affect his surgery date if he isn't healthy enough or at a goods weight! So while it won't be the worst thing in the world of my supply runs out (Mase was a formula baby and did just fine), I just would like Malcolm to have the benefits of breast milk at least until his surgery in May. But the though of pumping until then makes my boobs want to shrivel up and fall off.
In other news, I had sort of a meltdown this morning. I got super overwhelmed. I felt like I was only doing a mediocre job at everything; being a mom, wife, cleaning, making sure kids have clean clothes... G does his fair share too, but he works so I tend to do most of the housework. It just works out well that way for us. But today, G asked me to get WHOLE wheat bread instead of just "wheat" bread and I broke down. I took it as me not being good enough. I was already feeling overwhelmed. Malcolm does not like to be set down...at all. So when I set him down, he cries and I feel like a shitty mom. But when I'm holding him nonstop, I feel like I can't play with Mason or address his needs fully and that makes me feel like a shitty mom. It doesn't always feel this way but some days are just harder than others. I know it will get easier as Malcolm gets a little older and even a little more independent. But right now, some days are just freaking hard.
And then I haven't slept in the same bed as G for about a month because one or the other of us is on Malcolm duty at night! And since he's at a stage where he just cries nonstop if you set him down, whoever is on Malcolm duty stays in the living room on the couch with him. I don't feel comfortable having him sleep in our bed with us because G is a HEAVY sleeper. So until Malcolm gets to the point where he will sleep in the co sleeper or rock and play, this is how we all get the most sleep...which still isn't very much, honestly. So I feel like I'm neglecting my hubs on top of being a bad mom. Me and G still need time to be a couple and not just mom and dad. I think that is important for our relationship too.
Like I said, I don't feel like this every day and I do know I'll find my groove but it's all still so new and I feel overwhelmed a lot right now! I think that's why taking an hour a day and working out or going to the gym will really help. I'll have that time to just focus on myself and to remind myself that while being a mom is by far, my favorite part of me, it's not the ONLY part and I deserve a little time to myself once in a while. And then I can get back to the craziness of my family with hopefully a refreshed state of mind.
Anyway, I should be using this time to sleep so I'm gonna go do that.
Hey lovely...sounds like dude is another reflux bubba hey?
ReplyDeleteThe first few months are horrendous. B and I didn't sleep in the same bed for ages as we were both trying to settle our nominated children. It does get better it's just hellish getting to that time. Sleep deprivation makes everything seem even bigger than it is. Thinking of you. Xxx
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