The Aftermath

Here's the aftermath of my 2 boys. Stretch marks. Saggy skin hanging over my C section scar. And 40 pounds heavier from my beginning weight in 2013. And guess what.

I love it. I'm thankful I was able to carry my boys.  I'm thankful for the experience, as hard as pregnancy was for me. And the toll it tool on my body was well beyond worth it. I know I will get discouraged trying to get back into shape, but even so, I still love this body for giving me such an amazing gift; my family.

My body will slowly transform down the road ad I work to become strong again, but it will never look the same as it did before my boys and I'm actually thankful for that.  They are my "battle scars" and will be a constant reminder of what it went through.

So there it is. No filter or anything. Just my stretched out, mangled postpartum body in all its gloriousness!

Birth Story

Well..he's here!!!  After a very long, difficult pregnancy, our Mr. Malcolm is here.  He also didn't want to wait, just like big brother. Only there was a very big sense of urgency this time.  When I went into labor (at 37 weeks) with Mase, it was pretty slow going.  It was pretty casual going into the OR for the c section. With Malcolm, it was freaking intense!!!!  I'll just start at the beginning.

So we had put Mason down for bed and I decided to go lay down as I was feeling a bit crampy/contracty.  I didn't feel like then contractions were too crazy. I had nights before when I felt more contractions than I had that night.  But I noticed that I was having a few that were aa bit more intense so I casually thought, hey, I'll just track for a bit to see how frequently I'm having them.  I rolled to my side, opened my contraction tracker on my phone and tracked one contraction and then felt a little "gush." But I knew right away what it was. Think of when you are having a heavy period and you stand up and feel a gush.  But I knew when I stood up, there was going to be more.  I just didn't know it would be THAT much more!  Holy!!!  I stood up and bam!!!  It was like niagra falls!!!  It felt so gross!  There was all this warm liquid that just kept coming!!!!!  Any time I thought it was done, I'd move a bit and a bunch more would come out!

Anyway, so I waddled to the bathroom, telling G on the way that my water broke. He jumped to action and called his parents to come grab Mase while I changed into something dry. When G's parents showed up, we took off to the hospital. About halfway there, I knew how fast labor was progressing!  My contractions started to get pretty intense.  By the time we got checked into the hospital, I couldn't talk through my contractions and was having them about every 2 minutes. They started to get more and more intense and closer together. Soon, they were back to back. I was experiencing transition labor. Malcolm was coming and they FINALLY rolled me into the OR and I cannot tell you now hard it was to sit still while contracting back to back as they were trying to do my spinal. I told the OB that I felt so much pressure and was going to need to push soon!!! But they FINALLY got the spinal in and I felt instant relief! I was soooo sweaty at this point from the intense, quick labor that my skin was drenched and so was my hair? They had ton add a shit ton of medical tape just ton get my iv to stick.

They let G back in and he told me I was an entirely different person than when they rolled me in there. Once the c section started, the OB informed me that I was all the way dilated and that Malcolm may have very well been a vaginal delivery had we waited just a little longer.   They pulled Malcolm out and we heard his beautiful cry. I cannot explain how amazing that sound is.  There is no experience to even compare it to.  It is just one of the most beautiful moments I've ever experienced...with both kids!

After Malcolm's birth, the OB asked if I was sure about getting my tubes tied and after what I had just experienced, shit yeah, I was sure. Double knot those suckers!!!

I did get to see Malcolm in recovery, so that was a nice change from Masons birth experience!  They rolled me back into our room after 30 minutes in recovery where I was insanely shaky.  It eventually wore off but it was really annoying.

So that's that. It was quite the whirlwind. A little after Malcolm was born, we noticed he was making these gasping/gurgly type sounds.  We mentioned it to the nurse and she found a cleft in his soft palate.  Basically, it is part of the roof of his mouth that didn't form so it's just a big hole in the back of his throat! This has created lots of struggles with eating.

It bothers me a bit because it seems like people try to downplay this issue a lot.  I'm aware that it is not the worst thing ever but I cannot tell you how hard it was to be sent home from the hospital with hardly any information on cleft palate.  They push breastfeeding so damn hard that we weren't given information about how cleft palate can make breastfeeding very very difficult. In fact, we were told the opposite...that it could help with cleft palate.  Well, guess what. It didn't and our baby lost over a pound and we were at home with no resources other than the internet and that can be a terrifying amount of information to try and sort through.  Plus, who knows if it's a credible source or not!

So we suffered through a few nights of trying to figure out how to help our boy eat. He was a screaming mess. He couldn't get a good enough seal on the bottle or breast to actually suck anything out. He was peeing orange, meaning he was dehydrated, and he was losing weight fast.

Luckily, someone from the special needs clinic called us to check on us and thank the sweet lord she did!!!  She had us come in to get a specialty bottle that was designed specifically for babies with cleft palate.  Since that day, our little guy has been so content and is slowly gaining weignt.

Now why the hell weren't we informed about this bottle before we left the hospital?!? It would have saved a lot of pain and suffering.  But nooooo! If they suggest a bottle, that means I won't be breastfeeding. Ugh. Guess what. I don't care about breastfeeding. I just want my baby to be able to eat.  Anyway, so now I'm pumping and using the bottle to feed him and life is better for everyone!!

Ok. Well that's all I'm going to do for now. I keep trying to fall asleep so I'm going to let myself doze off for a bit with my baby!

Broken Record

I feel like I should update this thing but I'm just not sure what to say anymore without just repeating myself.  I am 37 weeks and 3 days today, which is where I was when I had Mase.  So after 11:45 pm, this will officially be the longest I've been pregnant

I'm just doing the waiting game now.  I'm achy.  My back is killing me. I'm exhausted.  My crotch is sore and don't even get me started on the pressure in my pelvic region! I'm dealing with constipation.  And still with the horrid heartburn.  I must have had 40 bottles of tums during this pregnancy.  My face is swollen along with my legs and...well, everything else.  And in the last few days, I've really noticed the carpal tunnel flaring up. Yay.  And I feel like I spend all day trying not to fall asleep while I spend all night TRYING to fall asleep.

But...

I've been reflecting, especially since last week.  I installed Malcolm's carseat and for whatever reason, that's what made it real for me.  I mean, really real.  Like this is happening in less than two weeks!  I sat there looking at both carseats in our truck and was hit with this wave of absolute and utter gratitude.  2 years ago, I had almost no hope left of having even 1 child.  And here I am only 2 years later, about ready to bring home baby boy #2!  It's incredible.  We are days away from being done building our family!  While it is bittersweet, I am so ready to just embrace the next phase.

The last 2 years have been tough.  I feel like Masons pregnancy was mentally challenging and Malcolm's was more physically challenging.  But even with all the hiccups, scares and challenges of pregnancy, I am still thankful for the experience as I am fully aware, that many are painfully denied this experience.  But I can also now appreciate that pregnancy is damn hard! And stressful.  And just because you are not a fan of pregnancy, that does not mean you can't appreciate the experience and be absolutely thankful for the end result!  If I ever said anything during infertility to invalidate a pregnant woman's feelings, I sincerely apologize.  I can admit when I am wrong...and I feel i may have been wrong in certain cases.  Was it hard to hear someone complain about something I would do anything for? Absolutely.  But that doesn't mean they aren't allowed to have a hard time too. Pregnancy is hard.  I think the key is to just know who you are complaining to.  Talk to someone who can relate.

Anyway.  See. I'm repeating myself!  I know I've talked about a lot of this stuff already.  I just feel like I might not be writing in here too much more until after Malcolm and wanted to have at least one more entry!  However, now, it's sleepy time...hopefully!!!!