So poor...

Alright, Mr. Malcolm.  I'm ready!  I technically have 2.5 days left until I'm 37 weeks (aka, full term) but he's measuring a week ahead. So I'm ready.  I'm sooooo ready.

Today was so stressful. It really made me realize how much work our health care system needs.  I won't go into all the boring details but I'll just say that Garrett and I have not had a chance catch up, financial for years.

Hardly anything was covered through infertility treatments.  We knew and accepted this. We gave up traveling and vacations so we could pursue treatments. Then when we finally get pregnant, we have the most expensive, high risk pregnancy known to man. Then I get pregnant unexpectedly, which is automatically high risk. Plus the other issues I experienced during this pregnancy ate much of our money...not to mention I haven't been able to work much of this pregnancy and a lot of the last one too. And the icing on the cake? I went to try and get me teeth fixed today and found out that it's going to be at LEAST $2000...out of pocket. Probably going to be closer to $5000.  Who has that kind of effing money?!

Siiiggghhhhh....

This is another reason why I'm getting my tubes tied.  People ask me if I'm sure I'm done or they'll tell me I'll change my mind but I won't.  Because not only do I make a terrible pregnant person, but we want to be able to provide comfortably for our boys.  And we'll be able to do that once we "catch up" on the last 9 years.  I know there will always be financially setbacks but we are completely depleted right now.

It just shouldn't be this hard to make ends meet.  Somethings gotta give...

So, Malcolm, mommy is ready when you are.  I think you'll be cheaper to take care of once you are on the outside.

Feeling Excited for Fitness!!!

I am daydreaming of being active again!!!  Of having energy again!!  And of getting my ass kicked again. I know it's going to be hard. Especially with my 2 Beebees. But I've done many difficult things in my life and I know being healthy is one of those things that is worth it and will ultimately benefit me and my family.  G and I have agreed to set up times that we can each set aside to dedicate to ourselves.

I am also being realistic.  I know i won't has as much time and/or energy like I did before so I will try not to get impatient and frustrated (yeah right. Lol)  But seriously, I'm going to get back to it without the expectation that I will "bounce back" quickly.  So many told me I would last time, and I didn't, despite my efforts.  I was told the weight would "fall right off" and I hardly loat any after 1 week post partum.

I should have known better though. I don't want to use pcos as an excuse as to why I lose weight slowly, but I think there may be something to that.  It took me a long time to lose weight before so I'm just going to do what I did before and put the scale away and focus on non scale victories. I have my fit bit ready to go again for when it's time as an extra little motivation. But the real motivation are my boys. And how amazing I feel when I am working on improving myself.

For now, I'll sit back and try to enjoy my last couple weeks for pregnancy. Then I'll focus on my recovery and figuring out how to juggle my babies. THEN I'll add in the fitness aspect.  I'm hoping that by having some decent premade frozen meals, I can at least get back on board with the nutrition part.

36 Weeks!!!

Kids and Football

I'm not into sports. I never really have been. But it had never crossed my mind to not allow my boys to play football.  However, that is where Garrett and I ate at right now.

Garrett, being from a small town, was into sports.  He was especially into football.  As a result, he had several concussions before the end of his high school days and I'm not sure how many other injuries that still affect him today, including a shoulder injury. All this before the age of 18. And for what?  He certainly doesn't make a living off of football.  A ll he has to show for such a rough sport is a 24/7 headache that he is convinced is from those numerous concussions he had.  He's lived with this headache for almost 4 years now. It doesn't go away. Ever.  He's been to about every specialist, including the Mayo clinic. Nothing has helped.

Aside from just Garretts stuff, I've seen stories in my news feed of MIDDLE SCHOOL football players being taken off the field on stretchers amd taken to the ER.  High school students with multiple reoccurring injuries.  Fresh college students whose potential football careers ended before they could even begin because they've injured themselves so much and had to have multiple surgeries in such a short amount of time.

I swear I'm not going to be that parent that never let's their child do anything fun because they **might** get hurt.  But Garrett has opened my eyes to how scary football can be.  There's no reason he should be showing my videos of gradeschoolers playing full contact football and knocking each other out.

Garrett lives every day with a headache
We don't want that for our boys.  They can play baseball, basketball, track, golf, you name it. Just not football. I know injuries occur in any sport, but at least they aren't throwing themselves full force at one another intentionally.  

I also want to clarify that I don't think it's wrong for people to allow their kids to play football.  So please don't think that.   There are plenty of kids who play football and are perfectly fine!!!  =)  Garrett just feels very strongly about this and I can't blame him. So I'm backing him 110%.  But I don't think I'm better than anyone else, or that you're a horrible person if you do. This is just one thing we are choosing to be the overprotective parents about!

Things Pregnant Women Don't Need to Hear

Why is it people feel the need to tell you the most horrific stories about pregnancy/birth when you are pregnant yourself?! Someone posted a story and before it even starts, it addresses new mothers and pregnant women. So I thought, oh hey. I'm pregnant. I should read this.

Nope. I should not have read it. It had a great moral for new mothers. Pregnant women? Not so much.

**If you're pregnant, you might want to skip the rest of this post so you can be saved the anxieties that I will now have every day until this baby comes.**

The story is about this poor woman, bless her heart, who was towards the end of her pregnancy, went to bed with her baby in her belly kicking away. Woke up the next morning and her baby had just stopped moving. And had died overnight with no warning.  I stopped reading there in an attempt to forget what I had just read.

My heart goes out to this woman.  And I understand that she's wanting others to appreciate what they have.  But this is the last thing my already anxious pregnant self needs to read. I had nightmares about losing my baby last night.  Then I woke up and Malcolm didn't move for about 30 minutes.  He was probably sleeping, but in my mind, he was dead.  I have 25 more days of this now thanks to that fucking article.

As a new mom, I could see this article helping put a little positive spin on those nights that seem endless, and make you hug your baby a little tighter. But, how does this info benefit an expecting woman who probably already has a whole shit load of anxieties as it is?

I could just be overly sensitive.  I hardly sleep as it is. Now I'm so paranoid that if Malcolm doesn't move ever couple minutes, I start to panic.  Ugghhh....

So glad I'm almost done.  My nerves can't take much more.

Hard night...

Last night was a hard night with Mason. It was one in which I had to admit defeat, step back, and let Garrett step in.  Mason was soooo tired and wouldn't stop crying.  Real tears.  No matter what we did, he'd cry. It was one of those nights where we just had to put him in his crib so he could let off some steam and cry for a bit.  I'm not a fan of the cry it out method but it was literally the ONLY thing we could do. Of course, we don't just put him in there and walk away. We keep checking on him. Letting him know we are still here and making sure he's ok.  He just was so wound up and us being in there or holding him was making it worse.

But I literally have to walk away after a while and let Garrett take over in situations like thst. I can't just sit there.  Luckily, it doesn't happen often at all!!!  I had to go to a room where I couldn't hear him. He was asleep in a matter of about 15 minutes. But I was a sobbing mess because I felt like I was failing him. I couldn't comfort him. And I just lost it because, I don't know how it is for other moms, but that is the WORST feeling as a parent; not being able to comfort your child despite your best efforts to do so. I'm so thankful for my calm, rational husband.  He dealt with the situation so gracefully then checked on me as soon as Mason was asleep.

I felt so overwhelmed last night. It doesn't help being 9 freaking months pregnant but I couldn't help but get overwhelmed at the thought of those kinds of nights with Mase with the added newborn to that situation. But I suppose you just do it. I'll take one baby and Garrett will take the other.  I just wish I had the grace and composure that Garrett does in those situations.  I do ok up to a certain point. But I definitely don't retain the calmness that Garrett has.

I've been pregnant for most of Mason's life, though.  So I suppose remaining rational and calm is a bit of a task right now. Perhaps once the hormones level back out,  I will do a little better.  All I know is last night was hard. I hope Mase gets better sleep today. He only had 1 really shitty nap yesterday and by bedtime, he was exhausted!  But so worked up. Ugghhh...

And I have had hardly any sleep for the last couple months.  So there's that too...

Whiney Train to Whine Town

**Disclaimer:  I'm a whiney bitch today.**

This.  This is what I did most of the day yesterday. This is what I want to do every day until Malcolm comes. I sat on my ass and watched forensic files in my new jammies (courtesy of my mom!!!) and downed a bunch of tasty water.  I felt so awful for most of the day. It's 5 am now. I just woke up and I already feel so awful and uncomfortable. 

I cannot get more than an hour of sleep at a time and it's really starting to wear on me.  And my jaw/teeth hurt sooo bad. I have a tooth I need to get fixed but I don't think I can handle having someone's hands in my mouth due to my overly sensitive gag reflex.  But all I can take is Tylenol...and that really doesn't help.  The heartburn.  Oh god, the heartburn.  I'm sooooo sick of feeling burning acid crawling up my throat and esophagus. My brain is pounding. The pressure on my crotch is horrid.  Whenever Malcolm moves, it feels like my cervix is ripping in half.  Everything smells like shit.  I'm out of breath from just sitting here.  I just want to lay down flat or take a hot shower.  Like scolding hot. (The kind of shower you aren't supposed to take while pregnant.) And take some damn ibuprofen and be able to eat and chew real food. Noises make me homicidal. People in general make me homicidal.  Especially men.  Oh and women. And dogs.  I can't find a bra that fits. The one I'm wearing now offers little support and digs into my ribcage. But I can't afford new ones because I've driven us to the poor house with how sick I got.

**Dear conscious, Please don't make me say that Malcolm is worth all of that. We all I know he is. Blah blah blah.  I just need to vent about how shitty I feel for a minute.**

Aaaand...breathe in the good.  Breathe out the bad.  (insert wheezing.) (Also insert gagging because it's stuffy in our bedroom and smells like morning breath)

Ok. So now that I got that off my chest, maybe I can move on with my day with a more positive outlook. I'm just uncomfortable, as is every pregnant woman at this stage.

I'm sooooo ready for Malcolm to be on the outside. Yet I'm also terrified. You kind of forget that post partum feeling you get when the high of birth wears off and you feel overwhelmed...like you can't do this. And you feel so tired and vulnerable. I'm terrified of trying to take care of Mason and Malcolm while my incision heals. I know myself and I ALWAYS push it.  I'm always trying to do everything myself.  So mom!!! I know you are reading this.  DON'T let me do that.

I'm trying to get into the mindset of allowing people to help me more this time.  I don't know why I have this need to be able to do everything myself. But I can't do this myself.  Or even just with hubby's help. We'll need outside help. At least until I heal up a bit more and we have some kind of routine figured out.

Mason is in a pretty good routine now. He goes down to sleep with ease most nights now.  I do worry a bit that this will throw a wrench in his routine though.  I know we aren't the first people to have kids this close together and I'm pretty sure we'll survive. I guess I'm starting to fear all of the "unknowns" at the moment. I do know we'll be ok. I just think it may get a little bit crazier before it levels out. Or until we get used to the crazy. Lol.

All my worries aside, I really am getting excited.  31 days until we are meeting little man #2.  I'm excited to see what kind of person he is.  And to watch the relationship between him and Mason grow.  Such an exciting time!!!

31 days. I can make it 31 more days, right?!