Ugh!!! The Pain!!!

Feeling pretty gnarly tonight.  Ugh.  Not so much nauseous, although there is a bit of that but those pains I was feeling, the ones I was talking about in my weekly update, they have gotten worse. My OB's office opens at 8 tomorrow and I will definitely be calling.

It's so hard for me to differentiate what is "normal" and what isn't.  It could be perfectly normal for me to experience pains towards my lady bits because of the scar tissue. But the thing that's alarming to me (if you want to avoid TMI, don't finish this sentence), is after I pee, when I go to wipe, even that hurts if I'm not careful.  Everything is super tender! And even around my c section scar hurts when I move a certain way.  Again, I know that is probably normal but I'm not sure if the amount of pain I'm feeling is normal.

I don't know! I can sit here and speculate till the cows come home and still not know what the hell is going on. I'm hoping that Dr. Miser will be able to squeeze me in even just for a cervix check.  Although, I'm reeeally not looking forward to one. I mean, it hurts to wipe so I can't imagine how it will feel having her jam her fingers up my crotch and feeling around on my cervix. Owwie! But I just want to know.  

Anyway. I am just having a bit of anxiety about this so I wanted to get it out somewhere.  I know in could always go into L&D, and I will is it gets bad. I would just prefer to talk to someone who is invested in my pregnancy and knows why these things are alarming to me when they might not be for someone else. 

32 Weeks

The Belly!!!

How Far Along?  32 weeks exactly!  Another big milestone as far as baby's development goes!!! Woot Woot!!!

Baby This Week?  Malcolm is about 3.3 pounds and about 16.25 inches from head to toe.  Pretty crazy considering he really doesn't have much length left to grow into.  Babies are usually around 20" when they are born.  So baby is basically just gaining weight.  His skin is also becoming less red and more pink!  His eyes can also dilate now in response to light.  How crazy is that?!

Symptoms?  Uggghhh. Lol.  Made another trip to labor and delivery.  My blood pressure was spiking a bit.  I won't go into too much detail but it seemed to level out and everything is OK with that.  And right now, I'm experiencing some sharp pains in my cervix area! Of course, it didn't start until we left labor and delivery.  It feels very similar to the pains I felt last pregnancy. I'm going to try to hold out till Monday to talk to Dr. Miser. I don't want to go into Labor & Delivery again.  They are super nice up there but it's sooo much more reassuring talking to someone that knows all my history.  Other symptoms include horrid heartburn (still sleeping sitting up), shallow breathing (probably due to baby not having dropped yet), sore back, insomnia, peeing a lot, constipation, and stuffy nose.  Oh and lots of braxton hicks. With just a dash of nausea and topped with a buttload of stress.

Cravings/Aversions?  Cravings sweets this week.  And salads. Still not super into meat but I'm not totally grossed out by it either.

Goals for the Week?  I suppose this depends on what happens with that pain I'm feeling.  But if it eases up and ends up being nothing, I would like to make a little more progress on the basement. G and I have cleaned it up and I've painted the accent wall.  We just need to move some furniture around! And by we, I mean Garrett and Kellen.  My mom is planning on coming Friday if she's feeling well and we are going to hopefully do a few things on my to-do list.  And do the finishing touches on the basement if it's ready!

Mason This Week? !I love this kid!  Seriously.  He's so much fun! And he gets more fun every day.  I love watching his personality develop!  We've been calling him destructo-baby!  Lol! He throws things and plows over anything in his way.  He is loud!!!  And wild!  And busy!  The further along I get, the harder it is to play with him, which is tough.  But I suppose it's inevitable.  He's making lots of different noises and blowing spit bubbles.  And we can't get through the night without a bath now! He loooooves his baths!  

There. That's it.  Finally an update.  It's been kind of a stressful week and I'm a little worried about this sharp cervical pain but I guess we'll see what Dr. Miser has to say about it on Monday.   

...

I'm running on fumes...

=(

It's a good thing babies are so worth it.

Pregnancy is Weird...

Good lord, Malcolm is a mover!!!!  Not so much kicks but it feels like his in there doing barrel rolls.  Mason was more of a kicker.  Very bazaar feeling.  But also very cool.

Another bazaar thing that's been happening is I'm hearing clicks/pops coming from my belly.  At first, I thought it was maybe just my joints but it has happened several times now where I was laying in bed perfectly still. I went to Google, which can be a scary place, but I had heard of this phenomenon before.  It sounds like it's pretty common in later pregnancy. Doctors don't really know what causes it but they've speculated that it could be baby's joints popping.  Or possibly ligaments stretching.  Or something to do with the amniotic fluid. Whatever it is, they do not believe it to be harmful.  The only thing it says to watch for is if you hear a pop on you start leaking fluid. Crazy stuff, this pregnancy business.

Tomorrow is another huge milestone.  I'll be 32 weeks!!!  That will mark the week that risks of any long term health issues goes down significantly if we were to have our baby now.  As far as that stuff goes, we have been very lucky and probably don't need to worry but it's still a comforting milestone to make it to!  I remember last time being so thrilled to make it to 32 weeks!   Speaking of which, I know I've been slacking on my weekly updates.  I'll try to get my 32 weeker in this week.

I've been pretty busy trying to get my to-do list taken care of so that has been taking my focus lately.   But I do this thing where I push myself too hard because I think I'm invincible and end up making myself sick. Wonder who I get that from. (Mom.)  We've got 7 weeks left. Well, 51 days at the most,  until baby boy is here. And the further along I get, the harder it is to do anything so I'm trying to knock off the big stuff first. My basement is so close to being done, which is a huge relief because that was #1 on my list. And I need to finish childproofing my kitchen. It's so much extra work to have to hover over Mason to make sure he's not getting into anything naughty. We have the cupboards with the cleaning stuff baby proofed but we still need to do the others and probably put those corner things on our glass table.

I could go on and on about my "list" but I'll spare you all. Lol. It's not that interesting to anyone but me probably. Haha!  If I have a minute tomorrow, I'll do my update! ;)

Post-Birth Plan

So after a "night of sleep" and I use that phrase because I'm not sure what else to call it, I'm still feeling a bit crappy, but better than yesterday. I'm begging Mason in my mind to keep sleeping for at least 1 more hour but I'm not sure he will. I hear him stirring. Since I've been feeling better, I took back morning duty with Mase. But I may need some help this morning.

Changing the subject, I'm pondering our birth plan... I guess it's really more like our post-birth plan.  We all know I'm getting a repeat C. I'm thinking about after baby is out.  The worst part of having a c section is not getting to hold my baby until I get out of recovery.  Last time, they brought Mase over for me to look at for probably less than a minute but your arms are strapped down so you can't reach out and hold the baby or anything.  Then they wisk them away while they finish with you. I felt content knowing that Garrett was with him though.  I mean, Mason was with me 100% of the time for the previous 10 months. I got to feel him kick and grow. So I was ok with G getting to spend that first hour or so with him.  

We had a plan to be able to spend an hour or so, just the 3 of us, before we had visitors.  We didn't adhere to that. Garrett felt really bad because by the time they rolled me back to the room, I was the last person to get to hold my baby. He apologized because he said he was just too excited. Lol.  I can't fault him for that. It's actual really sweet.  And honestly, it's really not that big of a deal.  And also, it probably helped G feel at ease because he'd never really spent any time with a baby, much less a newborn. So it was probably nice for him to have a little backup. I never thought about that part before.  So in hindsight, I'm glad they were there with him.  It probably really put him at ease.

I'm not hung up about it or anything. Nor was I ever mad at all.  But I do think this time, we will adhere to our plan. All I want is just a half hour to hold Malcolm before we introduce him.  Just a few quiet moments for us to soak in this new little life that insisted on being in our lives.  Then, people can come swoop in and steal some snuggles to their hearts content!  I'm sure I'll be ready to see Masers at that point, too.

So that's part 1 of the post-birth plan. Part #2 is having my awesome parents stay at our house with Mase. I think it would be best if he were to stay here while we are gone and keep his routine and normal as possible.  So they are going to come up and stay at our house.  And G is going to probably go home at Masons bed time to do his bedtime routine with him so he doesn't feel totally abandoned.  And while G is doing that, mom or dad, or both can come up and help me with Malcolm.  Last time, it took a while for the feeling to completely return to my legs, so they kept me on the catheter a bit longer than normal so I may or may not need the help but either way, it would be nice to have someone there so I don't have to call the nurse every 5 minutes.

Part 3 of our post-birth plan is after we get home, we are going to send Mason to Grandma and Grandpa Zantos for a night or 2.  This an idea from Kari.  For those that don't know, she just did this last year. She has babies spaced apart almost exactly as far apart as Mase and Mal will be. So she has been a GODSEND to me during this pregnancy!  She said she sent her boys to gmas and gpas for a couple nights so they could have a few moments of calm to get to know this new little person before trying to get settled into a routine.  And though she said it was definitely tough to send them away, she did not regret it! I think it's a really good idea. I mean, I am sure her boys had a blast too. Everyone wins.  So we are pretty sure this is the route we will go!

And lastly, after Mase comes back, my mom is going to come up and help us out a bit for a week or so.  I'm so appreciative because she will also be a GODSEND as I will be worthless with Mason for a while.  I probably won't be able to pick him up for a week or two. So G will have to do everything with him. Mom will be able to help him and give G a little breather.  Plus, she offered to help cook and do laundry...those type of things. I probably won't want her to ever leave. Hahahah!  

So that's our rough plan.  On getting sooo excited for this baby.  Insanely nervous, but I know we aren't the only ones who have had babies back to back and as far as I know, everyone usually makes it out ok. So I'll take comfort in that. 

Officially less than 8 weeks to go.  I'm hoping we get out c section scheduled soon so I can have an actual countdown! 

Dear Me; Be Gentle With Yourself

I have big plans for tomorrow....

...doing absolutely nothing!!!!

Not because I want to.  But because I NEED to. I have a bad habit of wanting everything done yesterday and I push myself soooo hard.  To the point of tears.  I don't k own how many times my mom has witnessed it. But today, I crashed. I started feeling yucky, which made me fall apart and melt down.  Crash and burn. I decided to have a nap and woke up feeling even worse. Nauseous.  I have an insanely sore boob. Like it hurts to touch.  There's an area of my belly that I probably pulled a muscle by trying to do everything myself at 31 weeks pregs.

So I told G to not let me do anything tomorrow. Not even little chores.  The only thing I'm allowed to do is fun, non-strenuous things.

The closer I get to having this baby, the crazier I get. I'm sooooo thankful I was able to talk to my friend Kari be a she just went through this last year.  She did the same things as me.  She would obsess about something that really doesn't matter in the end. One of the things she focused on was scrubbing the tiles in her bathroom.  But we were talking about how it's almost a way if coping with the anxiety of having 2 babies so close together.  Will it make a difference in the long run? Probably not.  But at least it's a way to FEEL like you have some control.  I don't think there is any way to prepare yourself for what's coming.

So this has been my reason for the non-stop business.  But I just need to be a bit more careful and remember that I am growing a person and my body is being pushed to the limits already.  I have people who are going to help me so I just need to chill a bit. I feel so panicked because usually the 2nd trimester is when you feel good enough to tackle this stuff slowly.

Honestly, other than needing to buy a double stroller and installing a carseat for Malcolm, we are ready. The stuff on my list to get done before baby is just stuff. It doesn't make a difference if the basement has an accent wall or not. Or if all of Malcolms onesies are separated between newborn size and 0-3 month. It's just a coping mechanism.

My house will be trashed again within days of coming home and will probably stay that way for the next 18 years...at least.  So I need to remember that while it's ok to want to get things ready, I also need to stop and breathe. And to take care of myself.  I'm in the home stretch of pregnancy, where my body is being stretched, my organs are being squished.  My back is killing me.  My boobs are growing.  My feet are swelling.  I can't sleep more than an hour without having to pee.  Plus, I'm also taking care of my little Mason Man...which is so fun but exhausting.

So dear me;  please be a bit more gentle with yourself, physically and emotionally. You've been through a lot!

Career Crisis

I have been painting again! I have missed it so very much.  But I get this comment a lot whenever I post art things:

You need to charge more.

OK. That's all fine and dandy and I know it's coming from a place of well-intentions but you know how many paintings I have right now that I'm asking $300+ for?  All of them.  No one wants to pay that much. I have to be realistic.  I live in Great Falls, MT.  I don't have a huge audience here! When I get a show in Missoula, I sometimes sell a piece or 2 but they are always my cheaper, smaller ones because it's a college town. And let's be honest, most people in the older generation do not want a giant bloody zombie eating a brain on their walls.  And the audience that I do have here are around my age.  So that means a lot of them have kiddos or babies...and we all know that it isn't cheap bring up a kid.  Or they aren't established enough in their careers to be able to drop $500 on a painting.

So what are the solutions?  Here's what people have suggested to me:

Work smaller.  I don't want to.  I love working big! My painting style works better on a larger scale and I love working big!  When I work small, it feels forced and I always hate it when I'm done.  And besides, people think the small stuff should be really cheap.  I once had a woman ask me to paint something on small found objects and offered me $30.  Ouch.  

Paint different subject matter that would sell in your area.  Oh, so you mean sell out!  Make painting actually feel like work and not enjoy it at all? Ever. Great!!! And besides, there are tons phenomenal artists that have that covered here who actually DO enjoy it so why should I suffer?  

Do commissions.  This, I actually do! The problem is, if I take too many, then I never have time for my own stuff.  I do love commissions and especially when they are things I love doing...such as zombies etc! And even the commissions that aren't my usual are good for me because that is how I grow as an artist.  But it's really easy to get bogged down by only doing what other people want..all the time.  So I don't take commissions year round.

Travel.  With what money?  The money that I didn't make from not selling that $400 painting I spent forever on?  Let me go pack!!!

So I don't really know what he answer is. Stop trying to make painting a career? Then it takes the backseat and I can't seem to make time for it.  I can see how tattoo artists (the good ones who actually put time and effort into their designs) can feel so bogged down...and especially the ones who are booked out so far in advance.  I'm sure they love it but it's gotta take a toll feeling like you can never "catch up" or do your own thing sometimes.

  I'm sort of in career crisis mode.  Part of me just wants to be a mom and quit trying so hard to make art into a career.  Or maybe I'm just feeling super overwhelmed because I am 8.5 weeks away from having 2 boys under 2 and I'm feeling a bit anxious for that transition.  I'm not sure.  Plus, this feeling of having no energy makes me feel like I can't do anything. Lol

I don't want to lose myself to being a mom.  But at the same time, my boys will be grown and not needing momma before I know it so what's wrong with having them be the center of my world for a while and doing the "me" thing secondarily.  I still want to do art and workout but I've wanted to be a mom forever and it is something I honestly thought might not happen.

I read a quote the other day that said something along the lines of "I didn't lose my identity when I became a mom.  I found it." It really touched me and I felt like it was there for me specifically to read.  Earlier that same day, I had mentioned to my bestie the idea of trading in my purse for a diaper bag for a while. I mean, after all, diapers will be part of my everyday for probably 3 or maybe even 4 more years. It's only practical, right? Well my bestie said that she never gave up her purse because she wasn't willing to give up all of her identity just because she was a mom. She didn't say it to insinuate that that's what I'd be doing.  She was just referring to her own process of balancing out life as a mom but still retaining who she is. But it did get me thinking; was that what I was doing?  Sacrificing who I am to be a mom?  Then I read that quote the very same day.  And I felt confident that my identity doesn't lie within my purse. Hell, I only have one for convenience anyway.  I am becoming who I've always wanted to be!  A mom.  I WANT to carry a diaper bag around.

I've said many times on my infertility journey that I would give up my art in a heartbeat to be a mom! And while I know I don't have to actually give it up, it can take a back seat for a while.  It can be my "me" time while my boys are little.  When they start school, I can refocus a little more on it.  But for now, I am mom, first and foremost.