Tubal Litigation

I really feel like I've been put through the ringer this pregnancy.  Ugghhh....  Yesterday was Masons 1st birthday and I was sick. Not pregnancy sick but regular sick. I've never had stomach cramps this bad.  They hurt more than contractions.  I went into labor and delivery last nigh because I thought they could potentially be contractions. Luckily, I wasn't having contractions, but my utetus was irritated due to being sick and dehydrated. So I got some fluids and got to come home.

I was thinking about all the pregnancy related crap I have and it really solidified my desire to do tubal litigation during my c section.  Aside from the fact that I'm tired of feeling shitty, we simply can't afford to do this again. I'm beyond happy with 2 babies. I am over the baby making phase of my life. Time to move on. So on Tuesday, I'm talking to our OB about having my tubes tied. If it's covered by my insurance, I'm doing it. 

Masons Birthday

Tomorrow, Mason will be one year old.  There is so much running through my head, it's almost too much to process.  I've been sort of an emotional mess the last couple days and part of it is how overwhelmed I am at how full my life feels with Mason in it.  What a beautiful year it's been.

I've spent 6 of those 12 months pregnant with Masons little brother and, I won't lie, it's been very hard.  But if you've followed my blog at all you already know this. It's still been amazing watching Mason grow and learn.  But I need to mention that Garrett has been our rock.  I would be lost without that man.  He is such an amazing dad and watching him step up and take care of a sick, pregnant wife and our baby has made me love him even more!  I love him more than words and he has given me the most precious gift(s) I could ever ask for.  Obviously, my children, but also a partner and best friend to navigate this life with, truly in good times and bad.

It's hard to imagine loving another child as much as Mason but I've been reassured that it is, in fact, possible!  And I know I will.  It's just tough to wrap my head around that much love!

I love waking up each day because I love being with Mason.  When it's time for Mason to go to sleep, I can't wait to do it all again the next day...even if we've had a rough day! I absolutely love my life as a mother.  Sometimes it's downright tough.  But the rewards far outweigh the tough times.

July 30th will forever be one of my favorite days.  It is the day my lifelong dream came true and I was blessed with my little man and become a mom.  My heart is so full!  Happy birthday (tomorrow) to my little punkin.

Dear Mason

Dear Mason, 

At some point last year, I wrote to you in my blog.  Only last year, you known simply as "Baby Z."  I am so happy to be able to.call you by name now.  And you've absolutely grown into that name.

We are approaching your first birthday and there is so much running through my mind!  

First, you have full filled our lives in ways that I can't even fully express in words. All my expectations about what it is to be a mom have been far exceeded.  I knew it would be amazing but I had no idea how full my heart could feel.  You always hear parents talking about their hearts bursting with love...and now I know why. 

You have been in this world for almost a year.  You are learning so much every single day and I get the absolute privilege of watching that happen. Every time you do something new, however "small" it may seem, I swell with unbelievable pride.  I love sitting on the floor and playing with you, even though I'm almost 7 month pregnant with your little brother. And when it comes to your bed time, I quite honestly get sad and can't wait to do it all over again the next day.

Speaking of your brother; I know you didn't get much of a chance to be the only child.  It only seems fair that the first born gets a little time to relish in that fact since you are, and will always be our guinea pig as far as parenting goes.  And lord knows, we will mess up sometimes. But even though you will be sharing your time with a little brother, always remember that YOU made us parents. When you were born, I was also born as a mother that day. 

We have just a few short months, (about 12 weeks to be exact) until your little brother arrives. You will never know a time without him around. But I will.  It's been hard being pregnant through half of your first year of existence like.  Often, I've felt like I was letting you down because I have been so sick during this pregnancy.  But I also believe that the sacrifice we've all made for your little Brother, Malcolm, will also be one of the greatest gifts I we can give you.  A best friend who will be around for you a lot longer than your dad and I. That gives me great comfort. 

We are excited to welcome a new little dude to our family.  But you will always be our first born!  The one who made us mommy and daddy...a dream we turned our world's upside down to achieve.  And you have been so worth it! 

Love, Mommy

Healing

I have succomed to the fact that I am doing all I can this pregnancy. I have accepted that my body is tired and being pushed to the max.  I get winded and sweat doing the most simple of tasks.  Right now my energy is being poured into being a mom when I'm not nauseated.  And for right now, that is enough.  

I've missed so much in the last 2 years.  Weddings. Reunions.  Family vacations.  Birthdays. Going away parties.  Even just hanging out with my friends.  And yes, I am bummed.  I know everyone understands and i am so thankful for the loving people in my life.  But I need to be a little more gentle and forgiving to myself.  

I had a great conversation with my friend, Shawwna this week. I was telling her about my inner dialogue with myself. There is the infertile me constantly arguing with the mom version of me.  I need to accept that I no longer fit into a neat little title.  While I will always remember the pain of infertility, I need to heal from it and move on for while.  I have effing earned this time in my life.  

Those who have stayed with me either in real life or this blog know how much I've grapples this topic.  I need to trust that the infertile friends and family in my life still understand that I am now in a different stage.  I've earned the right to be excited about my growing family! And post pictures of my kid(s).  And my baby bump.  And ultrasounds!  And I need to trust that my infertile friends will protect themselves if seeing my posts is too hard.  Because I still understand how painful that can be.

This is what I've been working so hard for. So I need to let go of infertility for a bit!  I also need to let my body do its thing while I'm growing this little soul.  Lastly, and thus is a big one, I need to be patient with my poist partum body, whatever state it may be in.  I read a beautiful post by a mother talking about the fact that her WHOLE body is healing.  I never thought of it that way. I've shared this body with 2 boys!  That is not exactly a simple task. 

When Malcolm comes, it's time for healing. Mentally and physically.  And it's time to lose myself in the beautiful chaos of being a mom. It's time!!!!

Spanking

Disclaimer** It's about to get a little controversial in here. My intent is not to offend. I just want to straighten something out that has been bothering me.

I've been seeing a lot of posts lately about how if more parents spanked their children, the world would be a better place. 

Let me make it clear right now, I will not spank my children, nor do I believe in it. I don't believe we teach children by causing physical harm, even if it's just "a little swat." However, I am not bashing anybody's parenting choices or how anyone was raised so please don't think that. It is none if my business. I just want to address the blanket statement that keeps popping up all over my FB news feed. 

I was never spanked.  Not once. Did I misbehave? Hell yes I did. Just off the top of my head, I once threw a rock at my brother which hit him in the head and gave him stitches.  Another time, I didn't want to go to school so my dad literally carried me out to the car kicking and screaming. So I was able to throw a tantrum with the best if them. But yet I never had a spanking. 

What my parents did was talk to me...after I cooled down.  They expressed disappointment when I acted out. They followed through with their "warnings." If they said we were leaving a store or event if I continued to act out, and I didn't listen, we'd leave. Or if they said they would take away something, they would if I didn't comply. 

As I grew, when I got in trouble, my fear wasn't of getting a spanking...it was of letting my parents down.  By high school, I was very well behaved for a high school student and I credit my parents for that.  They taught me responsibility.  They gave me trust and in return, I didn't want to lose it.  

That is just one example of someone growing up without getting spanked and turning out pretty decent. So this whole logic of "with more spanking, there would be less brats in the world" is invalid. Yes, every child is different, but don't blame the cause of a bratty kid or entitled person on lack of spanking. That's the point I'm trying to make.  There's more than one way to raise a child.   

Mason is a very strong willed boy already. I know we will have frustrating times.  And I may need to put myself in a time out so I can deal with the situation appropriately.  But I need to remind myself that he is a child. He is learning. He is looking to me and Garrett to teach him how to be a decent person.  We will make mistakes along the way.  Probably a lot if them. No parent is perfect.  All we can do is our best. 

Again, I'm not trying to step on toes. Just making a point that spanking is not the sole answer to all our problems.

26 weeks!!!

How Far Along?  26 weeks and 5 days!!!

Baby This Week?  Baby is about 14 inches long and it definitely feels that way too!! He can hear more things outside the belly! He is also, he can sense light and dark. It is possible that if I were to hold up a flashlight to my belly, he might respond. But I'm too lazy to try it! Lol.

Symptoms?  I had kind of a relapse with the nausea for a few days where I was back in bed. I seemed to have a good day yesterday and though it's early at the moment, I'm just a bit queasy.  Heartburn/acid reflux has been horrid.  Just constant burning in my esophagus.  No amount of time can save me.  I'm also getting that same yeast infection in my armpits I had last time.  If you remember, I had to put monostat in my pits. Lol. Such weird symptoms. Oh and here's a gem!  I got that pregnancy rash on my belly.  It popped up 2 days ago.  So luckily I was able to talk to our OB yesterday at our appointment. So now I also have to out cortisone cream on my belly.  Also, I've been getting this hard lumps the day after my progesterone shots in my ass.  And they also start itching like a mosquito bite. This week, the lump is huuuge! I've talked to some of my friends who have had the shots and said that after so many shots, that can happen, thought none of them had the itching so I'm thinking I may call and just check to make sure I'm not having a little reaction to the shot, which I've heard can happen.  I've been told to try using a heating pad on it to help the oil disperse so I'm going to give that a go!

Cravings/Aversions?  Still not having any super strong cravings. I think the nausea is keeping that at bay.  I do want some things that I won't let myself have just because of the heartburn.  It's not worth it!  Lol.  Still want nothing to do with meat.

Goals for the Week?  I went into preterm labor with Mason at 26 weeks and 6 days. Right now, I am 26 weeks and 5 days.  My goal is to make it passed this week with no preterm labor! I don't think we are in any real danger of that as of right now, thankfully!!!

Mason?  He's going to be 1 in exactly one week!!!  He does something new every single day!  He's really big into high 5's right now! Oh, and eating! Lol!

Dear Embryos

I've been thinking a lot about our frozen embryos.  We have 5; 3 that are frozen by themselves and 2 frozen together.  After Malcolm comes, we will begin our process of releasing them for adoption.  We are ready to move on from infertility; and from the conception stage in general.  We are ready to enjoy this next phase of our lives and reap the fruits of our labor, so to speak, and fully emerse ourselves in the raising of our boys.

I do have mixed emotions about releasing our embryos.  It is not a decision we take lightly.  Any one of those embryos could have been the one they chose to transfer on November 3Oth, 2013.  I have a deep love for them all!  And releasing them to other families is not an easy thing to do.  However, for Garrett and I, it is the right thing to do.  We know how much infertility hurts.  The thing that I am comforted by is knowing that whoever receives our embies will love them to pieces! Because you don't go through infertility/embryo adoption and not appreciate to the fullest extent the miracle that a child is.  I am confident that any of our precious embryos that successfully implant and make it into this world will be loved beyond all measure!

That being said, Garrett and I will be choosing to not have contact with them.  I don't think I could see a child that looked like me and Garrett or Mason and separate the fact that they are NOT our child.  Once we release our embies, they are no longer ours. They are another family's child to love and raise!  It would just be too hard.  If they ever sought us out later in life, I may reconsider. But seeing them as children would just be too much. So we will make our peace with the decision to release them and let them go.  I love them too much to keep them frozen forever!  But it will be with a little bit of a heavy heart that I let them go.  But I will be thankful in knowing that whatever life may come of them will be cherished!