Hi Blog!!!

Why hello, blog! It's been a while. 

First off, motherhood is amazing! It's hard and messy and there are no instructions, but it is the most rewarding thing I have experienced in my life. But then again, it's what I've always wanted.  There are absolutely hard days. But everyday is filled with so much love and micro-victories! I love my boys so much! Mason is his own little tornbado of a boy! Exploring and learning and making me laugh everyday! And Malcolm is smiling and happy and making lots of different sounds! He still likes to be held 24/7 and cannot keep a paci in on his own so that can be a bit of a challenge but just a little one. 

Garrett is back at work full time and it's been a hard adjustment for me.  Adjusting to my role as a stay at home mom has been a little more difficult than I expected. Don't get me wrong!!! I am soooo thankful so be able to stay home with them and I don't want to change it. We are so lucky that we are able to swing it. But I'm trying to hang on to the parts of my that make me ME. I was able to paint a few Christmas presents for people but haven't been able to find time since. I'm seeing my tattoo clients go elsewhere, which, I won't lie, stings a bit but I absolutely understand why they would. I mean, I have no clue when I'll get to work again so obviously, I can't expect people to wait when I can't give them a concrete answer.

So no art and no tattooing.  Sometimes I feel like that part of me is lost. But with that being said, I am working out again so that helps me feel like that other side of me isn't completely lost.  It helps give me that piece of myself that is still just mine! I love sharing every moment of me with my kids and my hubs, but having that hour I get to be Nessa again helps my sanity. 

My good Friend just went through this (having babies back to back) and it helps to talk to her. She reassures me that the first year really is a blur and things level out. So I'm holding out faith that I will get to tattoo again. And that I will get to paint again. Sooner rather than later.  So for now, I'm focusing on the joys and challenges of bring a mom. And focusing on getting back into shape and training for a half marathon! 

I've said before when I was going through infertility that I would give up art to be a mom and that still hasn't changed.  Being a mom trumps painting any day. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it! 

Being a Mom...

I've spent the last few days recovering from a tummy bug. And although it's been less than fun, it's the first time I've slowed down in over 2 months. It was probably my body telling me not to forget about myself.

However, it got me thinking about all those little things I do every day.  Things I don't give myself credit for.  At the end of the day, sometimes I feel I didn't do enough. But my day is FILLED with little acts of love. Every second of every day, I'm doing things that hopefully make my boys feel loved and cared for.

Being sick has made me realize that, yes, I absolutely do need that time during the day to remember that I need some TLC too. But it's also got me missing those little things I do every day. What it is to be a mom.

Being a mom is holding a pacifier in your new baby's mouth while simultaneously trying to sneak in a few Z's.

Being a mom is taking a bite of the soggy gross half eaten cracker your toddler is so excitedly shoving in your face and trying to share.

Being a mom is watching Robin Hood 3 times a day since your baby was old enough to focus.

Being a mom is pacing your hallways and living room at 3 a.m. in an effort to console your newborn who just can't seem to adjust to this great big world.

Being a mom is cutting your toddlers dinner into chewable pieces and still worry about choking because he grabs 4 of those tiny pieces at a time.

Being a mom is having cold dinner every night.

...or shoveling your dinner in your mouth at lightning speed while you have a minute in between diaper changes.

Being a mom is melting at the simple gesture of your baby reaching their hand up to you while they sleep on your chest.

Being a mom is tripping over the same damn noise making toy 50 times a day. And also putting away said toy 50 times a day.

Being a mom is knowing all the words and singing along with every singing toy your kid has.

Being a mom is having your arm completely fall asleep while your baby sleeps on it and just sucking it up because he's finally asleep.

Being a mom is having entire conversations with your toddler as they babble excitedly all the jibberish they can think of.

Being a mom is sitting on the floor with your toddler and trying to read to them but only getting a few lines out before he comes and takes it to "read it himself."

Being a mom is loading your kids in and out of car seats multiple times a day.

Being a mom is making sure you don't leave the house without snacks.

Being a mom is obsessing over that tiny red bump on your baby's face.

Being a mom is wishing you could take any and all pain your child us feeling away and feeling crushed and helpless because you can't.

Being a mom is hearing your kid belly laugh and thinking there is no better sound in the world.

Being a mom is seeing peril everywhere in your house when your baby starts walking.

Being a mom is spending a busy tired day just wanting a "little breather" and then when you finally get one, all you can do is talk or think about your kids.

Being a mom is squeezing in 15 minutes of painting while your babies are somehow napping at the same time.

Being a mom is having cracked/dry/bleeding hands from washing and sanitizing bottles 50 times a day.

Being a mom is living your day in 3 hour increments so you can make sure your home in time to pump.

Being a mom is having to make loose plans with people because you can't ever be sure when your kids will nap or if they are going to have a bad day or be sick.

Being a mom is texting your mom friends for ideas at random hours because your child is teething and you've tried everything and they are still miserable.

I could honestly keep going all day about what I've learned about being a mom is my very short time as a mom so far. And I'm sure this list evolves with every passing year. I'm sure I could write a list when my boys are in their 30's and still have just as much to say. But the bottom line is, being a mom is filled with so many small gestures of love every day.  I think those are the important ones.  Those are the things that make our children feel safe, happy and loved.

Being a mom is tiring, exhausting, and full time but it is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't change a fucking thing. I am beyond blessed to be able to experience motherhood and all the little things that make up being a mom.

Stretched too thin

I'm feeling a little worn out. Yeah yeah...I have a new baby...it's to be expected.  But I literally have not slept more than 3 hours, maybe 4 hours at a time since Malcolm was born.  And probably even before then since the last few months of pregnancy are so much fun and you have to pee every 3 minutes. 

Honestly, it's not just the sleep deprivation (though, let's be honest, that doesn't help) but I feel like I'm being stretched too thin.  I have no time to be "Nessa." I'm always "mom." Don't get me wrong!  I WANT to be mom 99% of the time.  And i know these early months are tough, especially when you have a 1 year old on the mix. And i do know it will get better. I just have to keep myself from breaking before I get to that point.  I remember the early texts from Kari last year when she was at this stage. You feel like you're always screwing someone over.  

This morning, my usually non-snuggly boy came to sit on my lap while he ate his snack and watched Robin Hood. I was absolutely in hog heaven. About a minute into our snuggle, guess who became distraught with hunger. Yup. The littlest.  So I felt I just couldn't win thus morning.  I had set Malcolm down for a minute to get a few moments in with Mase. But by doing that, Malcolm got upset. So I had to move Mase so I could go feed the little one. I have almost no time to be a wife. And even less time to be Nessa.  

I'm really hoping taking an hour to work out will help me feel a little less stretched too thin. Even as I take a few minutes to write this, I'm holding a paci in with my pinkie and playing with Mase with my foot. 

I need a recharge during the day. Bad. Of course with it being Christmas time, and with me needing dental work, we have no extra money for me to take my gym membership off of hold. And any spare moment I have goes to painting Christmas presents. Working out at home is not an option right now. Mentally, it just work. Too much happening in my house to focus. I need to leave the house. I need a gym right now. At least until I get in the habit of allowing myself an hour a day to recharge my mom batteries.

I loooove being mom! It's my favorite thing in the whole world!!!!  When I'm not with my boys, I miss them terribly. Even if it's just for a few hours. But I still need a moment to remember my identity outside of mom. I never understood this as an infertile woman. But I get it now.

Pre Pregnancy Weight

Welp.  There it is! 7 weeks post partum and back to my pre pregnancy weight (with Malcolm, anyway. I still have 30 lbs to lose to get to pre Mason weight. But I'd say I'm doing pretty dang good. I'm taking my gym membership off of suspension for December. I should have my post partum checkup this week and get the ok to hit the gym again! It's time.

I still have a long ways to go but I'm so proud of this saggy, stretched out body. So I will embrace it at every stage while I am working on regaining my strength!

Overwhelmed!!!!!!

I'm still adjusting to this crazy life of having my 2 amazing boys! I won't lie, it tough some days. But I so love being a mom!  I'm just struggling a bit on finding a little "me time" during my day.  Just an hour or so where someone doesn't need something from me.  I think I will be a better mom if I get that time in there!

I've officially hit my 6 week mark, however, my OB is right in the middle of moving practices.  So I have to wait a bit for my follow up. I cannot wait to start working out again, especially knowing I am done having kids. My body is my own again!!!  Well, aside from pumping milk for Mr. Malcolm. And, ooohh myyy Godddd, will I be happy when I can quit that!!!  I'm pumping every 2-3 hours, or at least that's what I shoot for, and I am producing a shit ton of milk. Don't get me wrong. I am beyond thankful for that because with Mason, I struggled to pump even an ounce by about 2 months. And as of right now, I'm pumping about 50-60 oz a day.

But...

I HATE PUMPING! My boobs are trashed.  They are sore and my nips hurt. Having your boobs sucked halfway down a funnel a million times a day is not a good time. Plus, it's insanely inconvenient when caring for 2 boys. But, it's all for my little man.  I feel a bit more pressure to make it work this time than I did with Mason because keeping Malcolm healthy is vital. It could affect his surgery date if he isn't healthy enough or at a goods weight! So while it won't be the worst thing in the world of my supply runs out (Mase was a formula baby and did just fine), I just would like Malcolm to have the benefits of breast milk at least until his surgery in May.  But the though of pumping until then makes my boobs want to shrivel up and fall off.

In other news, I had sort of a meltdown this morning. I got super overwhelmed. I felt like I was only doing a mediocre job at everything; being a mom, wife, cleaning, making sure kids have clean clothes...  G does his fair share too, but he works so I tend to do most of the housework. It just works out well that way for us.  But today, G asked me to get WHOLE wheat bread instead of just "wheat" bread and I broke down. I took it as me not being good enough. I was already feeling overwhelmed. Malcolm does not like to be set down...at all. So when I set him down, he cries and I feel like a shitty mom. But when I'm holding him nonstop, I feel like I can't play with Mason or address his needs fully and that makes me feel like a shitty mom. It doesn't always feel this way but some days are just harder than others. I know it will get easier as Malcolm gets a little older and even a little more independent.  But right now, some days are just freaking hard.

And then I haven't slept in the same bed as G for about a month because one or the other of us is on Malcolm duty at night! And since he's at a stage where he just cries nonstop if you set him down, whoever is on Malcolm duty stays in the living room on the couch with him.  I don't feel comfortable having him sleep in our bed with us because G is a HEAVY sleeper.  So until Malcolm gets to the point where he will sleep in the co sleeper or rock and play, this is how we all get the most sleep...which still isn't very much, honestly. So I feel like I'm neglecting my hubs on top of being a bad mom.  Me and G still need time to be a couple and not just mom and dad.  I think that is important for our relationship too.

Like I said, I don't feel like this every day and I do know I'll find my groove but it's all still so new and I feel overwhelmed a lot right now!  I think that's why taking an hour a day and working out or going to the gym will really help.  I'll have that time to just focus on myself and to remind myself that while being a mom is by far, my favorite part of me, it's not the ONLY part and I deserve a little time to myself once in a while.  And then I can get back to the craziness of my family with hopefully a refreshed state of mind.

Anyway, I should be using this time to sleep so I'm gonna go do that.

The Boys

Pictures of the boys done by James Ridle!!!!  In love with all of them!!! 

Checking in!!! I'm still alive!!!

Hi! I'm still alive!!!!

As you can imagine, it's been a whirlwind since being home. At the moment, both boys are napping so I'm taking a bit of time to update.

We have struggled a lot with Malcolm's cleft palate and feeding. I knew it would be more difficult, but I guess I just didn't realize how much!  Immediately when we got home, both boys got colds. For Malcolm, it was pretty scary because that cleft palate could potentially cause major issues since his sinuses are more open and obviously more susceptible to infection! Luckily, we got by with no major infections this time. But we are really hoping he stays healthy at least until his surgery.  Otherwise, we may have to push it back and I'd really rather get it over with as soon as possible.

The major issue we had with him after we got home was weight gain. We left the hospital with basically no info and no one to call for support with his cleft palate! Luckily, an amazing nurse from the special needs pediatric department called us to check how we were doing! I was fighting back tears as I was talking to her on the phone because we had been so worried. Malcolm was basically peeing orange, which means dehydration and he was not getting any milk from a bottle or my boobs. The nurse had us come in immediately, even stayed late for us. She showed us how to use a special bottle that allows us to actually squeeze the milk into his mouth so he isn't relying on just his suck alone. Often with cleft palate, even with a great suck, they can't get a good seal in the back of the throat. It's been explained to me as trying to suck liquid through a straw with a hole in it. But that bottle has basically been a life saver and that nurse has kept in contact with us since then. I am so thankful for people like that that go above and beyond and truly care.  Because we were feeling so lost!

She also got us all hooked up with the proper paperwork to attend the cranialfacial clinic next week at Dr. Santins practice. They will have surgeons, speech therapists, orthodontists, and all the other professionals required for cleft lip/cleft palate patients. We will mostly be talking with Dr. Santin and speech therapists since Malcolm's cleft is just in the soft palate. But I'm looking forward to getting some more information about all of this. I wish it weren't an issue at all, but since it is, the more information we have the better.

We are adjusting slowly to having 2 boys! When G goes back to work, I'm not sure how realistic it will be for me to continue pumping. It's already such a pain in the ass to stop what I'm doing every 2-3 hours and hook my boobs up to the torture device.. Oh, I mean breast pump for 20 minutes. I do have a nice supply of breast milk building up in the fridge though. I'm really trying to make it work though because for Malcolm especially, it would be beneficial for him to get some of my immunities from the breast milk until his surgery! We'll see how it goes though. Just one more thing for men to stress about, I suppose.

My eyeballs ache, I'm so tired. But I wouldn't change it for anything. I've wanted this exhausted to the bone feeling for many years and I finally have it! That's not to say it isn't really hard! I mean, I fell asleep feeding Malcolm last night! I woke up and the bottle was hanging out of the corner of his mouth. Lol. I've had nights where I've cried out of pure frustration and stress of not knowing what the hell I'm doing. I don't think I've slept longer than an hour or 2 at a time since I've been pregnant with Malcolm.

But it's all so worth it and I love my boys to pieces. When I look at Malcolm sleeping peacefully or when I hear Masons amazing belly laugh, I forget how exhausted to the bone I am because my babies are all I've ever wanted and they are finally here. And I know in the grand scheme, it's such a short time and while I can say I won't enjoyu every second of motherhood, I CAN say I will appreciate every second...the good and the not so good.