I've been thinking a lot about our frozen embryos. We have 5; 3 that are frozen by themselves and 2 frozen together. After Malcolm comes, we will begin our process of releasing them for adoption. We are ready to move on from infertility; and from the conception stage in general. We are ready to enjoy this next phase of our lives and reap the fruits of our labor, so to speak, and fully emerse ourselves in the raising of our boys.
I do have mixed emotions about releasing our embryos. It is not a decision we take lightly. Any one of those embryos could have been the one they chose to transfer on November 3Oth, 2013. I have a deep love for them all! And releasing them to other families is not an easy thing to do. However, for Garrett and I, it is the right thing to do. We know how much infertility hurts. The thing that I am comforted by is knowing that whoever receives our embies will love them to pieces! Because you don't go through infertility/embryo adoption and not appreciate to the fullest extent the miracle that a child is. I am confident that any of our precious embryos that successfully implant and make it into this world will be loved beyond all measure!
That being said, Garrett and I will be choosing to not have contact with them. I don't think I could see a child that looked like me and Garrett or Mason and separate the fact that they are NOT our child. Once we release our embies, they are no longer ours. They are another family's child to love and raise! It would just be too hard. If they ever sought us out later in life, I may reconsider. But seeing them as children would just be too much. So we will make our peace with the decision to release them and let them go. I love them too much to keep them frozen forever! But it will be with a little bit of a heavy heart that I let them go. But I will be thankful in knowing that whatever life may come of them will be cherished!
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Incompetent cervix PTSD?
I have so many conflicting and contradicting emotions. High risk pregnancy is a whole new battle and maybe that is how I need to think of it. Perhaps I'm trying to lump 2 entirely different battles into one, which is probably not fair to my poor emotional well-being.
I know I've written about this before. And maybe I'm just beating a dead horse at this point, but apparently I'm still struggling with it.
In the grand scheme of things, pregnancy is such a short time in your life. But when you are high risk on top of the normal discomforts of pregnancy, it adds this layer of crippling fear to the mix. It literally dictates my life. Today, I've been having a pinching sensation that feels like it's on or around my cervix. Plus, I've been having lots of braxton hicks contractions. Yes, BH contractions are normal for this point in pregnancy, but also, silent contractions can cause me to dilate without even knowing it. So I'm sitting here, trying not to be hyper sensitive to every. Tiny. Effing. Symptom. But at the same time, that's how I saved Mason from being born at 26 weeks last year. So where do I draw the line? I already don't work. I am foregoing workouts. I'm missing one of my best friends wedding today for effs sake because I'm having braxton hicks! It's so depressing!
I may be especially scared because I went into preterm around this point in pregnancy last year. I'm 25 week and 5 days. I went into labor at 26 weeks and 6 days last year. Malcolms head is right about the perfect size to where he is putting maximum pressure on my cervix. So even though I'm not technically on bed rest, I might as well be.
I understand that once Malcolm is here, none of this will matter! But I still need to get through every day right now. And I suppose that's all I CAN do! Day by day.
Monday, July 6, 2015
24 weeks
How far along? 24 weeks and 2 days! (Officially in the first week of viability)
Baby this week? Malcolm is roughly the size of an ear of corn, or 12.5 inches long. He's fine tuning some of his motor skills. He also can sense direction, as in he is aware of when he is upside down, etc. His respiratory system is developing rapidly and his lungs are maturing! Like I said, we are in the week of viability so if we're to go into preterm labor, he would have a chance. But let's just hope that's a bridge we don't have to cross this time!
Symptoms? OK so this is definitely getting better as far as the nausea goes. I don't have to spend all day in bed anymore and am able to function somewhat normally. I still feel kinda yucky all the time, except when I'm eating. I also tried to go without my nausea patch and I ended up spending half of today in bed. But I'm good now. The meds I'm on for nausea are sooooo expensive! I'm on the patches and that's $183 for a month supply. I'm on phenagren, and that's $140 for a month. And I use zofran for the really bad days. Then factor in my progesterone oil shots and that's $100 for 10 shots. I'm an expensive, high maintainence pregnant person! It doesn't help I'm not bringing in any money. Ugh. 3 more months! Oh, aside from the nausea, I've been experiencing braxton hicks contractions, which are totally normal... But of course my mind wanders to worse scenarios. It doesn't help that I can feel Malcolm very low along with some pinchy sensations around my cervix. This is a very stressful time during pregnancy if you have incompetent cervix.
Cravings/Aversions? No specific cravings, really. My aversions are becoming less severe too. Garrett can cook chicken in the house again!
Goals for the Week? I'd like to organize Mason's old clothes to see where we are at with those. Maybe get out the newborn stuff. I haven't hardly done anything to get ready for Malcolm but his arrival is so close to Masons that I already feel pretty ready. We don't need a whole lot immediately outside of a double stroller. The big thing I want to have done is clean and reorganize the basement.
Mason? Mason is exploring all kinds of different sounds recently. For a while, all he would say is "mum mum mum." Now he's making a few other noises, including fake laughing. Lol. He isn't pulling himself to standing yet but he'll kind of go up on one knee (like the proposal position.) And is still doing lots of downward facing dog and planks. He's also starting to explore more foods and textures. Admittedly, we've been a bit slow on introducing new foods. Partly because we have no idea what we are doing. But mostly because we have this huge fear of him choking. I imagine we'll be a bit more confident with Malcolm. Masons top 2 teeth are finally through the gums and he can take bites of stuff so that kind of helps our confidence when feeding him something new.
Baby this week? Malcolm is roughly the size of an ear of corn, or 12.5 inches long. He's fine tuning some of his motor skills. He also can sense direction, as in he is aware of when he is upside down, etc. His respiratory system is developing rapidly and his lungs are maturing! Like I said, we are in the week of viability so if we're to go into preterm labor, he would have a chance. But let's just hope that's a bridge we don't have to cross this time!
Symptoms? OK so this is definitely getting better as far as the nausea goes. I don't have to spend all day in bed anymore and am able to function somewhat normally. I still feel kinda yucky all the time, except when I'm eating. I also tried to go without my nausea patch and I ended up spending half of today in bed. But I'm good now. The meds I'm on for nausea are sooooo expensive! I'm on the patches and that's $183 for a month supply. I'm on phenagren, and that's $140 for a month. And I use zofran for the really bad days. Then factor in my progesterone oil shots and that's $100 for 10 shots. I'm an expensive, high maintainence pregnant person! It doesn't help I'm not bringing in any money. Ugh. 3 more months! Oh, aside from the nausea, I've been experiencing braxton hicks contractions, which are totally normal... But of course my mind wanders to worse scenarios. It doesn't help that I can feel Malcolm very low along with some pinchy sensations around my cervix. This is a very stressful time during pregnancy if you have incompetent cervix.
Cravings/Aversions? No specific cravings, really. My aversions are becoming less severe too. Garrett can cook chicken in the house again!
Goals for the Week? I'd like to organize Mason's old clothes to see where we are at with those. Maybe get out the newborn stuff. I haven't hardly done anything to get ready for Malcolm but his arrival is so close to Masons that I already feel pretty ready. We don't need a whole lot immediately outside of a double stroller. The big thing I want to have done is clean and reorganize the basement.
Mason? Mason is exploring all kinds of different sounds recently. For a while, all he would say is "mum mum mum." Now he's making a few other noises, including fake laughing. Lol. He isn't pulling himself to standing yet but he'll kind of go up on one knee (like the proposal position.) And is still doing lots of downward facing dog and planks. He's also starting to explore more foods and textures. Admittedly, we've been a bit slow on introducing new foods. Partly because we have no idea what we are doing. But mostly because we have this huge fear of him choking. I imagine we'll be a bit more confident with Malcolm. Masons top 2 teeth are finally through the gums and he can take bites of stuff so that kind of helps our confidence when feeding him something new.
My Last Baby
This is, indeed, our last baby. Part of me is trying to enjoy the process of growing this last baby...but in reality, if I could, I would skip to the end! I would skip to that moment where I will hear Malcolm cry for the first time, that moment when they hold him over the curtain for us to see. And, obviously, for the first time I get to hold him!!! I am at peace with knowing Garrett gets the honors of holding our babies first while I get closed up. I'm at peace knowing I will probably only ever be an exclusively pumping mom. Or formula mom. I'm at peace with being a c section momma. I am confident in our decisions as parents! And I'm excited because I have more confidence going into this the second time around!
The thing that I will admittedly say I'm struggling with is knowing this is the last baby and my last brief time to be in the newborn phase. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited for the toddler phase as well and all the other stages after. But the newborn phases for my kids are so close together that I almost feel as though I can't "savor" them enough, as difficult as it may be at times. I don't know if I'm articulating myself well enough for this to make sense but hopefully you guys can understand what I mean.
Malcolm was not planned and this pregnancy has been very hard physically and emotionally so far. There have been times where I've felt Mason was the one who was getting the raw end of the deal. I've literally missed weeks of Masons life because I was so sick. In all honesty, it probably upsets me more than Mason. I doubt he even remembers, even now.
So yes.. This pregnancy was unplanned! And it's been hard so far. But now let me express my gratitude. There was a point in me life where even one child felt far fetched. 2 is beyond my wildest dreams. We were set to try an FET at the end of this year but in all honesty, I was at peace knowing that Mason may be our only child. So, while Malcolm may be a surprise and the timing was not entirely perfect, I'm so thankful he found his ay to us...and I honestly believe he did. The odds of conceiving him are so slim, I have no other choice but to believe he found us. And that thought warms my soul!
I also believe Mason found us as well. The process of our ivf journey started with that one consultation that just happened to fall of day 3 of my cycle, which just happens to be when they need to do all the tests and everything fell into place after that.
My boys were meant to be here. And even though one was not necessarily planned, he came to us at the perfect time.
The thing that I will admittedly say I'm struggling with is knowing this is the last baby and my last brief time to be in the newborn phase. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited for the toddler phase as well and all the other stages after. But the newborn phases for my kids are so close together that I almost feel as though I can't "savor" them enough, as difficult as it may be at times. I don't know if I'm articulating myself well enough for this to make sense but hopefully you guys can understand what I mean.
Malcolm was not planned and this pregnancy has been very hard physically and emotionally so far. There have been times where I've felt Mason was the one who was getting the raw end of the deal. I've literally missed weeks of Masons life because I was so sick. In all honesty, it probably upsets me more than Mason. I doubt he even remembers, even now.
So yes.. This pregnancy was unplanned! And it's been hard so far. But now let me express my gratitude. There was a point in me life where even one child felt far fetched. 2 is beyond my wildest dreams. We were set to try an FET at the end of this year but in all honesty, I was at peace knowing that Mason may be our only child. So, while Malcolm may be a surprise and the timing was not entirely perfect, I'm so thankful he found his ay to us...and I honestly believe he did. The odds of conceiving him are so slim, I have no other choice but to believe he found us. And that thought warms my soul!
I also believe Mason found us as well. The process of our ivf journey started with that one consultation that just happened to fall of day 3 of my cycle, which just happens to be when they need to do all the tests and everything fell into place after that.
My boys were meant to be here. And even though one was not necessarily planned, he came to us at the perfect time.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Ugghhh...the unsolicited advice...
Well, it's begun. The breastfeeding inquiries and unsolicited advice. I know people mean well, but I don't have to emotional energy to feel like a failure again. I didn't expect that feeling last time after seeing that Mase was dehydrated. I already have a plan.
I plan on trying again with Malcolm. I have a couple different nipple shields I'm bringing this time. Maybe Malcolm will have more patience with the process. Who knows? However, I am anticipating the same issues I had with Mase. Partially because I'm not sure that I will have patience with the process. But I'm prepared to exclusive pump. I've been reading articles on how to keep supply up and how often to pump/how long each sitting. Yes, I realize it is more work. But I also like that Garrett gets to take part in the feeding/bonding.
K. Enough of that subject.
In other news, I haven't really weighed in on the recent legalization of same sex marriage but have been enjoying seeing all my happy friends on FB who now get the same right as straight couples. I also have been thinking about the fact that regardless of who my boys love in life, they will get to marry them (if they choose to.)
On that topic, after having a child (and growing another as I write this) I cannot wrap my head around how a parent can "disown" a child for being gay. Or Trans. Etc. I absolutely love Mase and want him to be happy. Why should it matter who he loves. I don't think we can really help who we love. I can't imagine if someone told me that it was wrong for me to be with Garrett. I would be crushed. As long as my kids are happy, I will be too.
That's all I got for now. I'm debating skipping my 23 week update because I'm already almost 24 weeks! We'll see...
Friday, June 26, 2015
Almost.23 weeks
How Far Along? 22 weeks and 6 days.
Baby This Week? Baby is about 11 inches long. He's hearing more and more from the outside! His taste buds are beginning to form as well as nerve endings and he's starting to be able to experience the sensation of touch!
Symptoms? I had a few good days in a row this past week. Yesterday was kinda yucky and the first part of today. Malcolm is moving all over the place in there! He's still small enough to be able to flip over, so sometimes there's some massive movement!
Cravings / Aversions? About the same as last week. As long as I'm eating constantly, I don't feel too terrible. Not good for the waistband though. I'm gonna have a lot of work to do. But I'm trying to cut myself some slack here. I've gotten in shape before. I'll do it again.
Goals for the Week? I don't have any. Lol. I just want to feel good enough to do normal people things.
Mason? He is doing good. We had a few rough nights/days because of the teething business but his top 2 teeth have finally completely broken through the gums so he's doing better now.
Goals for the Week? I don't have any. Lol. I just want to feel good enough to do normal people things.
Mason? He is doing good. We had a few rough nights/days because of the teething business but his top 2 teeth have finally completely broken through the gums so he's doing better now.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
21 weeks
How Far Along? 21 weeks exactly.
Baby this Week? Malcolm is about 10.5 inches, or the size of a banana! He's starting to grow some eyebrows. And his lips are becoming more pronounces. Basically, he's just growing away and continues to practice some of the basic motor skills.
Symptoms? I'm trucking right along. On and off nausea still. But I've been able to actually go do a few things like go to.the grocery store or have a quick coffee with Aprill. I'm still not feeling great but it's manageable at least! Lots of baby kicks going on and Garrett is able to feel them pretty good from the outside! Oh and a fun new development...I have a hernia. Nothing that needs surgery at the moment, but painful, nonetheless. It's to the right of my belly button. I see Dr. Miser on Monday so I'll be able to follow up with her then. Also another ultrasound Monday so hopefully everything is still stable!
Cravings / Aversions? I still have a hard time with the smell if anything cooking. But I'm starting to want a bit more variety in my foods. Been able to eat some bland veggies...so that's definitely a good thing.
Mason? His top two teeth are just starting to break through the gums! So he'll have 4 teeth here very shortly. He's pretty busy these days! And usually pretty happy. I'm just glad I get to actually spend more time with him now that I have a good chunk of the nausea under control.
Goals for the Week? I really don't have any super specific goals this week. It's honestly getting hard to have goals when I have restrictions. But I suppose I could just have a goal of staying on top of the nausea again and to also not aggravate the hernia.
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