Terrified

I'm officially terrified.

I was reading an article about being flexible about your birth plan (something I can totally relate to) but then found myself reading a horrific story about a rupturing uterus.  I immediately started thinking about all the damage that was done to my uterus/cervix and I got this sinking feeling in my gut.  I'm so scared.  I think I have pushed these thoughts away, trying not to truly think about the potential risks being pregnant this quick with such a traumatic amount of damage to my uterua without ample time to recover.  What have I done?!?

Now I feel like a pile of shit.  Did I put this baby and myself in harms way by becoming pregnant so fast?!  I mean, we didn't plan this and we were even preventing.  I'm soooo scared. I know worrying won't help but I need to at least address these fears. Pretending like they aren't there won't help either.  I didn't intentionally read a story that would have a trigger. But now I can't unread it.

Why can't I just have a fucking normal body?!  With the normal discomforts of pregnancy. I know even normal pregnancies don't go worry free either.  But you have to admit, I have a little extra added worry in my case.

OK...  Breeeeaaathe...

Our next appointment is in a month.  We are OK right now. Baby is still small. My uterus is still pretty small. There is no immediate danger at this moment!  I will address my concerns with Dr. Miser at our next appointment.  Maybe she can give me a little peace of mind.  Perhaps I am just overly paranoid.

I just pray to whatever god is out there to please keep me and this baby safe.  This baby was not exactly planned, but now that it's here, I want him/her just as much as I wanted Mason!

I'm such damaged goods. I hope I can do this.  I hope my body can do this!

Frustration

I'm feeling very ready to throw in the towel on this whole tattooing thing. So frustrated.  And sometimes, people within the industry are the ones ruining things. Ugh. I don't know.  Maybe I'm just tired and hormonal.

Anyway. Moving on.

I went in to the hospital today to have all my labs done.  They draw like a thousand vials of blood. Lol. Good thing needles don't bug me.  After that, I went to get my nausea meds. I start those tonight.  I really hope they help.

Not much new beyond that.  Just trying G to make it out of this trimester. I hate this depleted feeling!!!  Ugghhh...

1st OB Appt.

We had our  appointment today! Baby measured right on point. 9 weeks, 2 days!  We got to watch baby wiggle all over so that was pretty amazing! It's crazy what 1 week will do at this stage of development!  

So the plan:

Starting at 14 weeks (which will be our next appointment), we will go in every 2 weeks for a cervical length check. I will also be doing progesterone injections. Dr. Miser actually wants to try and get around doing a cerclage...which is why we will be so heavily monitored. She said the reason is because of all the damage my cervix/uterus sustained and how close these babies are. Soooo, we'll see what happens. If my cervical length starts to shorten, we'll revisit a cerclage.

Also, since these babies are so close together, Dr. Miser is thinking a repeat C section is going to be the way to go, again, due to the damage to mycervix and how short of time has passed between babies. I really don't mind a repeat.  It is major abdominal surgery, but it's not too bad. It's totally doable. And now I know what it entails so it's really not that big a deal.

So that's that. I posted a 9 week belly pic Since the last pic was my 8 week one.

I go in for all the blood work sometime this week. So crazy that this is actually happening. Eek!

9 weeks (and 1 day)

I'm going to start doing my weekly pregnancy updates here. I fizzled out last time on them. But I'll try again.

How far along?  9 weeks and 1 day. (Holy buckets!!!)

Symptoms?  Still super nauseous on and off through the whole day. Small appetite. Very little sounds good to me so I pretty much choke down anything I can. The fatigue I insane.  It is so much more difficult to deal with any of it with a 7 month old. I want to still be able to play with him so I've been sucking it up. Another weird symptom that I've been dealing with is a rash. Its not super itchy or anything. But I broke out in bumps all over !y body! So weird! I make such a terrible pregnant person.

Baby this week?  Baby is the size of a green olive. His/her hands are less like paddles and more like hands and feet with fingers and toes!  Its embryonic tail is gone and it's looking more human!  Its eyes are done developing and are fused shut for the next 16 weeks or so.

Cravings/Aversions?  I was craving pudding this week. And pickles for about 5 minutes.  Aversions include everything else. Haha!  Garrett made popcorn the other day and the smell was TERRIBLE! Smaller like straight up barf. Lol. I can't wait to be done with this phase...

Sleep?  Between waking up to pee and waking up for Mason, it's been pretty terrible. However, I'm super thankful I've been doing PT because my back has actually been feeling pretty damn good! So that has been a nice change!

Goals for the week?  Our first OB appointment is tomorrow so I think my first goal is to get some sort of game plan for this pregnancy.  Find out my restrictions for working out and if I get cleared for swimming, I will most likely rejoin the Peak so I can start swimming again.  I'm super busy at work this week so my other goal is to just make it through this week of work without having to cancel on anyone. Oh and I'm going to ask for some anti nausea stuff. Because I just can't do it this time around. If I didn't have a 7 month old and such a busy schedule at work, I could. But it's been a task to work through the sick feeling. So I'm giving in this time.

1st trimester yuckies

I was saying in my other post how mild my symptoms have been.

Nope.

Feel like shit...but this time it's harder to deal with because I can't wait it out when I have a 7 month old. But I think I will get some Zofran or something this time around to deal with the nausea part. As far as the fatigue, it seems to help if I get up and move. Even if it's just a little walk.

The good news is that last time, this stuff only lasted through about week 13 or 14. So not too much longer since I'm almost 9 weeks now.

I'm getting anxious to find out our plan with Dr. Miser. Only a few more days until we meet with her.

First Ultrasound

We had an ultrasound yesterday with our amazing ex fertility specialist!  She squeazed us in because she's amazing!  I feel so much better too. Baby looks good!  Measuring about 8 weeks and 3 days!  Heartbeat sounded good as well. I'm so relieved!  I was so scared that it was all too good to be true. I worried about ectopic. Or that there would be nothing in the sac. But all is well.  I'm still nervous...but until we hit the week of viability, I probably will be. And probably even after that. Our appointment with our OB is next week so I will know a bit more about our game plan then.  But for now, I can breathe a little bit.

My symptoms are much more mild this time around. Or maybe I just know how to deal with them better. I'm still nauseous in the morning. I'm getting the occasional heartburn. But the worst symptom is definitely fatigue.  But I know it goes away in the 2nd trimester so I'll just ride it out and try to push through as much as I can.  It seems like if I keep snacks handy, I can stay ahead of the nausea. So pretty goods so far.

In other news, Mason hasn't been feeling so hot the last couple days.  He had his first up the back poop. And today, he had an up the back and front poop. Poor kiddo. Doesn't have a fever. But he also seems to be tugging at his ears more so I am sure we will be bringing him in just to make sure.

Our other baby, Gaz, had to go to the vet again!  We thought is was just a bad ear infection. Nope. She ruptured her ear drum. She showed literally NO signs of irritation or pain until Saturday night.  She's such a beast but it makes it hard for us to tell when she's in pain or how serious it is! When she tore her acl, she still wanted to play fetch. We brought her in thinking it was just a sprain or something. Little turkey.  Toughest dog I know.

That's all for updates right now.  I'll start doing weekly updates again and belly shots soon.  I didn't make it back to my original weight but that's OK.  I tried my hardest, anyway!  And I'll continue to work on at least staying active as long as possible this time around as well!

Toodles!

Sinking In

So now that I've had a few days to digest the news, I am going to try to express myself a little more coherently.

It still has not fully sunk in yet but little by little, I'm accepting the fact that I am, indeed, pregnant. We got our blood test back. My hcg level was in the 16,000's. It's almost impossible to tell where you're at just from the blood test alone, but my OB made the guess between 6-8 weeks.  My initial guess was 6 weeks...just because of my symptoms.  But if you were to go by my last period, and a typical 28 day cycle, I would be 11 weeks so I don't think that's right! I must have ovulated later than that.

I don't know. I'm going to go crazy wondering about this.  And I have to wait almost 2 weeks to find out.  Ahhhh!

I'm still nervous. I just want to see the little nugget and known that everything is OK!