Is the real life?!

It's been a while since I updated! I've been meaning to but everything just got so crazy with the holidays that by the time I got mason to sleep, I wasn't that far behind him. But I have a little time now and while I'm tired, I'm not completely exhausted like I have been!

Mason has been pretty good! He just had his 5 month checkup/shots this week. He is in the 97th percentile for his height!!!! He free 7 inches since his birth. 21 inches when he was born. And now he is 28!  He's rolling from his back to his belly like a champ! He get frustrated while on his back because he tried to crawl but he just hasn't quote figured it out yet. He's not sitting on his own yet but he will sit pretty well supported. We upped his reflux meds. Still having trouble with that although this week is definitely better than last. Last week was a rough one!  But we are doing better for now anyway. 

I know I say this a lot...but I absolutely love being a mom!!!! It is tough at times, yes.  I won't lie about that. But even on the rough days, I go to bed with a full heart and happier than I have been in years. I am truly in awe of him and that we made it to this point. 

I have been having body issues lately and have not been very nice to myself... But I just try to remind myself that my body just went through a lot of shit in a very short amount of time. Aprill and I came up with the "be nice to yourself" jar. Anytime we say something negative about ourselves, we have to put a dollar in the jar. I honestly have no problem with my scar or my stretch marks. In fact, I love both and I am proud of both. I just miss my muscles!  I'm working on it, its just moving very very slow!!!

My workouts have been hindered because I'm having mad back issues. And knee issues. And I still have residual carpal tunnel stuff in my wrists and hands. But I've just been trying to modify or work around those issues. In February, I'm hoping to get in for some physical therapy so I can correct the issue and not just pop ibuprofen every day.

Anyway. Things have been good all in all. Just the rough day here and there but nothing I would trade for the world!  My favorite part of the day is going to bed at night. It starts with snuggling my baby (the only time my very active and wiggly baby will snuggle with me) until he falls asleep! Then I take him to bed and as he sleeps in his bassinet, I get to listen to his cute little sleeping baby noises as I fall asleep!  It tugs at my heartstrings every night!!!  And I feel like the luckiest, most blessed person in the world and sometimes, I feel like someone needs to pinch me because there is no way this is real...

a year ago...

A year ago today I found out I was pregnant. I had no idea that my new journey would be almost as difficult as the one trying to get pregnant in the first place.  The only reason I put it so close to the struggle of infertility is because of the fear of losing my baby during our preterm labor scares!

It was a long hard road all around to get here but look at that face. Like seriously! Look at it. I, like every other mother thinks my child is the cutest little nugget in the entire world!!!  And when he smiles or giggles... Its just too much for one smitten momma to bear!

So as I lay here, 30 pounds heavier than this time last year, half the strength than I used to have, my back trashed, and more chins than I care to think about, I listen to my baby sleeping, little baby snores and all, and I know it has been all worth it.

I've been awfully discouraged in the whole getting back in shape thing so it's good for me to remember WHY my body looks the way it looks right now. I fought hard and sacrificed my body to keep my little man safe! And I wouldn't change it for the world!

I still love my stretch marks.  And my cesarean scar.  I feel very much like they are my battle wounds and proof that I would do anything for my baby. And when it comes time to do it again, I will. Gladly. The c-section really was nothing in the grand scheme of things!  It is a major surgery, but it you are smart about it, it doesn't have to hold you back. I've had no Ill side effects from it. Yeah, it can be a little tender from time to time. And my muscles are pretty dang weak. But it hasn't kept me from doing any of the things I did prior to Mason. So I'm totally OK with having another csection down the road!!!  It will be safer for me and for baby...if we are luxcky enough to conceive again.  I'm not cured of infertility and I am not willing to put in the same effort I did before.. At least not at this juncture.

But there's plenty of time to think about that later. For now, I'm gonna enjoy my little man I worked so hard for.  Get my body back to peak condition. And just bask in this whole motherhood thing.  Because it is everything I dreamed of and more. Even the times when mason just cries nonstop for hours. Its still so much better than the big, silent, empty house I had before!

Thankful!!!!!

Ok now for a more upbeat post. I meant to do this on thanksgiving but time got away from me.

We all know what I'm thankful for this year.  It's no secret.  I'm so thankful Mason made it into this world safely. I think that is why I don't give 2 shits about my "birth experience." Or, even my pregnancy experience.  I had a harder time with that emotionally just because I felt like we couldn't catch a break. But now, I don't care.  It's not what I wanted but who gives a rats ass when it resulted in having a healthy boy.  This year was tough...but not nearly as tough as infertility or spending another childless Christmas! And at least I have my rainbow at the end of that very long storm.

So with that said, my thankful list for 2014.

I'm thankful for Mason. Period.

I'm thankful for all the morning snuggles, giggles, and smiles he gives me.

I'm thankful that he looks to me and G when he's hurting, even when there is nothing we can do to help.

I'm thankful for my hubby waiting on me hand and foot through bed rest. And for him helping me keep somewhat sane this year.

I'm thankful my marriage was strong enough to withstand infertility. Not all of them do.

I'm thankful for my parents for so many reasons. Without them, we wouldn't have been able to do ivf so soon. We would not have little man this Christmas.  And they came down a lot to help me while I was on bed rest, even when my mom wasn't feeling super well.

I'm thankful for my friends who took time out of their busy lives and visited me constantly in the hospital or at home and never minimized anything I was going through.

I'm thankful for my workout partner and that I am back at it!

I'm thankful kari and I were pregnant at the same time!  It helped a lot to be able to talk to her.

I'm thankful for all the amazing love and support I recieved through infertility, ivf, and pregnancy. I had a lot if supporters and I will never forget all the messages, calls, texts and visits.  And I hope I can repay everyone when they are going through rough times.  Or pay it forward.  It makes such a difference knowing people care.

I'm thankful for my haters. They give me more motivation to succeed! ;)

I'm thankful for my willpower and determination in everything I do.  I just need to work on the "patience" part.

I'm thankful for what I do for a living. Even though art is not a reliable or consistent source or income, and even the money I do make from it is minimal, I love doing it and it allows me to make my own schedule, which, in turn, allows me to be home with Mason when I need to be!!!

I'm thankful for our 5 little snowflakes (frozen embryos) that are waiting for us!

I could keep going but I'll just end with the fact that I'm thankful for this life I've made for myself.  It's not perfect.  But what would be the fun of that? I love my family. I hope to add to it someday but if Mason is all we get, I will be happy and thankful!

Happy (late) Thanksgiving!  Now time for Christmas decorations!!!!

Jealousy.

Let's talk jealousy for a minute. We all have times in our life where we feel jealous of someone. Or of a situation.  But how we handle that jealousy is a big test of character.  If you knock someone down because you are jealous..well, then you kinda suck.  A lot.  I like to handle my jealousy as blatently as possible. A perfect example would be when I was on bed rest, my best friend was working out every day without me. Was I jealous? Hell yes. How did I handle it? I told her, "hey, you suck and I'm totally jealous! And also, I love you and you are kicking ass!  Can't wait to work out with you again!" Easy peasy! 

Another situation I'm kind of jealous of; my brother lives in the same town as my parents. Their kids will get to have a super close relationship with their grandparents and get to see them pretty much every day.  Of course they will be close to Mason too, but they won't get to see him every day or even every week. I'm also jealous of the free childcare. So yes, I'm totally jealous. BUT how I handle that is to be happy for all of them!!!! What an awesome thing for all of them to be so close and to get to spend that time together.  And I also focus on my situation. While we don't have consistent free childcare, I get to hang out with Mason more than if I could go back to working like I was before. Yeah, money is super tight this way but we make it work and I am thankful for my time with little man!  And my parents come visit Mason and vice versa when possible. 

I'm also jealous that I don't get to just "try for another kid" when we are ready.  We have to first pay off all our hospital bills then save up $4500 just for a chance!  I'm jealous of those people that get to have smooth pregnancies.  How I handle this? I think about how awful infertility is and how hard a scary pregnancy is and how could I ever be upset that someone doesn't have to go through that? I would not wish that on anyone!  And I focus on how utterly grateful I am to even have Mason!  Words can't express my gratitude!

It's easy to overcome your jealousy when you focus on the things you have going for you in your life.  Yeah, we all have things we wish could be different, but we also have some good things going too!  People need to stop focusing so much on other peoples lives!

What you don't do when you are jealous is put them down or make it seem like they don't deserve what they have.  Now I won't claim to be perfect all the time. Jealousy is not an easy emotion sometimes.  But I strive to be a good person every day. I try to encourage people and be happy for them when things are going well for them...even when they aren't going well for me.  I read something earlier today that said to pay attention to the people are happy for your happiness and sad for your sadness. And to embrace those people.  It's so very true!  While I was going through infertility and then got pregnant, I found out a lot about who those people are. It seems like a few got that backwards. Always seemed to thrive on my sadness then put me down when I was happy. Fucked up.

Now what I need to do is to not let those jealous assholes get to me so bad.  I won't lie. It really bothers me when people say mean things just because they are jealous.  I need to let it go and just take it as a compliment. I'm really working on that. I guess I'm just uber sensitive.  

Now that I got that off my chest, I need to work on my happy post!  Tomorrow is thanksgiving so I will be doing a thankful post!!! But now its sleepy time!  Good night!!

Things.

Mason is getting so big!!! I remember looking at some of the clothes he's wearing now and thinking they were huge! I have an entire giant bag full of clothes he's outgrown! Just blows me away!  He's smiling more and holds his head up better. Still hates tummy time and will insist on rolling right back over onto his back! Lol! We've tried him in his bumbo but he's not quiiiite ready yet. But very close. He's so amazing!!!!  Definitely worth every tear I shed waiting for him.

He is on prevacid now. Still dealing with some reflux issues.. And some days are still pretty bad.. But now there is a difference in his cries.  Before, he only had one cry...and that was his "pain" cry. That's the one that was tough to handle! Nothing helped.  But now he's starting to have an "I'm bored" cry or "I need to change positions" cry. Still lots of spit up but th fact that we are getting more smiles out of him makes me happy. We're slowly getting there!

In other news...

You know that gotta talk workouts, right?  Lol. I am feeling so stuck. I know my body is changing but I still am not feeling it! But I will keep chugging along. I keep seeing slight progress is my performance so I just need to focus on that. Not the scale. Not my pants size.  I will eventually get back to where I need to be. Something's gotta give!!! Cuz I don't know what else I could possibly do! I'm eating well. Lifting. Getting cardio in! Drinking water.  Sleeping as much as I can. Regardlessly, I know everything I am doing is good for me so I will continue to do it!  As many of you know, when I have a goal in sight, there's no stopping me! Its balls to the wall, bitches!!!

And lastly, I am having a hard time trying to get work in. People try to tell me that I am so lucky that I "don't have to work full time."  Here's the thing about what I do. I put in a LOT of hours with a relatively small payout. And that's for both tattooing and painting. If I were to go back to work, I would work all the time just to pay for child care. I don't have free childcare. Yes. My in-laws live in town and can take Mason once in a while for a few hours in the evening but they both work full time.  So the best thing for us to do is for me to work part time and watch Mason during the day. I try to work at home when I can (on drawings and paintings) but a painting that would typically take me a day or 2 is now stretched into 2 or 3 weeks.  Let me clear. I'm not complaining because I love spending my days with Mason! But doing the part time thing has its struggles just like having to go back to work full time does.

OK. I think i covered everything I wanted to talk about! Good night!!!!

Progress?

I've been debating putting these up.  I've felt super discouraged the last few days.  And I feel like I'm just getting fatter, despite working my ass off.  I know I'm not. I think I'm just having a week.  So I think it is probably a good idea to post these.  I've been hitting it pretty hard for a month now.  And I need to remember that it's only been a month. My body has been through a lot in the last year and I need to be nice to myself.  There is definitely a difference.  Not only in how I look, but my performance.  I'm doing pushups on my toes again.  I can do some tricep pushups.  My squats are getting deeper.  I'm not modifying as much.  I need to remember these things.  

The top pic is my belly a few weeks after Mason.  The bottom pic is after the first month of Insanity.

Same here.

Memories, Workouts and Reflux

I recall a day last year that was the first day I actually considered being done with fertility treatments. I bet I could even find it in my old blog of I cared to look. I had just found out my 3rd or 4th IUI failed. I tried to take it in stride and was going about my day normally. When I got home for the day, I was washing dishes (Garrett was running errands) and all of the sudden, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I dropped to my knees, right in the middle of the kitchen floor and began sobbing.  Then proceeded to beg God to give us a child because I was just so tired.

I will never forget that day.  I wanted to be done. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted the desire for children to go away.  I wanted to be done with the repeated failures. I wanted holidays to be fun again.

Somehow, I kept going. And, as you can imagine, I'm glad I did.

The funny thing about infertility is there will always be emotional baggage from it.  For whatever reason, every now and then, a pregnancy announcement will still get too me.  Baby showers still get me.  Its bazaar.  I'm not sure if I just drums up all those emotions or what but I don't think it will ever fully go away.

Anyway, on to other, happier things! I went to a 2 hour spartan workout in Helena and won the raffle for free entry to a Spartan Beast!!!! For those that don't know, that's 13+ miles with I don't even know how many obstacles!  But now I feel like I have to do it. I'm so nervous because it's only 6 months away!  Yikes! But I am going for my trifect so I will need to do a sprint, super and a beast!

My goal for this next year is to cram as much physical stuff in as I can; races, bike rides, fun runs.... Because I have a nagging feeling that if/when I get pregnant again, even if I'm not on full bed rest, I will have to take my activity level down a notch vuz of that whole "incompetent cervix" bull shit!  So the idea is to do all this fun stuff now, and of course, get my body back into shape for the next time around. I can't imagine how horrible this pregnancy would have been if I had started out unhealthy!

My workouts have been going well!!! I'm back to doing pushups on my toes, though they are very slow. I have been doing insanity and lifting. Then throw in piyo twice a week and our "punch and pull" day which consists of using our heavy bag, catching and throwing combos, and working on pull ups!  Oh and we do the 15 4's once a week, too.  We usually have 1 rest day a week unless we are particularly spent, we'll take and extra one! But overall, its been good. Frustrating at times, but I think that is probably typical for anybody at any stage of fitness.

The art stuff has been very slow going! As you can imagine, life is pretty busy and right now, my art is what is getting sacrificed right now. I would rather use my free time on my health. I know I will be able to squeeze a little more in once Mason can be set down for note than 5 minutes without flipping his lid.

This reflux business is a monster. And unless you have a kid with reflux, you have no idea what it's like. And I am not talking about "oh poor me, my kid won't let me set him down."  I am talking about how crappy your kid feels, how miserable they are and there is not a damn thing you can do about it half the time.  You can't even cuddle them because they arch their back so bad.  When he sleeps at night, I don't sleep solid because I worry about the gagging episodes! And I'm not about to set my kid down while he screams just so I can paint! Nope. I know it will get better so in the mean time, I will do what I can to ease his pain!!!!

He is starting to smile more, though, so at least he not miserable ALL day now!!!!