Tired and Weak

I started Turbofire on Monday. Oh boy...

Did I mention today is only Wednesday?

Anyway. So I started Turbofire and it's super fun. However, I'm so very weak. I used to have so much power behind my punches and kicks.  Now I'm struggling to even get the full range of motion, nevermind power.

But alas, the only way to get better is to just do it.  I've started drinking a protein shake in hopes that it will help a bit with energy. I'm so tired. Every day. I hate feeling this damn weak!!! Which is why I am making myself work out. And drink water. And protein shakes.

Today is day 3.  Only 87 more days of this full program. Though, I may restart it once I've got the moves down a little better. I hate to admit, I have a really hard time keeping up at this stage.  I'm hoping to come back and reread this in 90 days and be able to remember where I started with all this. I feel so tired and sluggish. I hate it...

June

I ordered Turbofire.  Shits getting real in June. Im eating healthier and starting Turbofire. I just need the structure and schedule right now in my life...where there is no structure. Lol.

I've partially hesitated trying to cut things in my diet because I've been trying to avoid a milk supply drop. But I have blown passed my initial goals with the breastmilk. Never thought I'd make it long enough to give Malcolm fresh breastmilk for his recovery from cleft repair. So whatever happens to my supply after June happens. And we'll roll with it.

I think I was sent a little reminder of how far I've come...even where I'm at now. I found this picture while cleaning. I didn't think there were any pics of me from this time. This was my heaviest. This was when I realized how unhealthy I was. Even where I'm at now is so much better than where I was. I'm still hovering around 175. In that picture, I was closer to 220ish.

I'm looking forward to feeling strong again!! 

First, we need to get through this surgery!

Operation: Hot Mother

That's an Arrested Development reference, for those that don't know.

But still, it is relevant to what's about to go down.

I'll be honest. I'm having a hard time finding my passion for working out again. My body is slow and sluggish. My shape has changed. My boobs always flopping every which way since I'm still pumping.  My cardio is seriously lacking. I'm tired and I can fill every second I'm awake with things I "need" to do. My motivation is sooo gone. And it's not going to come back on its own.

Today I decided to get the garage back in working order. It's still a giant mess out there but my workout area is clear. And that's all I need. I was going to do insanity, but I think I need to wait until after Malcolms surgery. I feel like that week, I won't be doing much of anything.

Anyway. I've got 20lbs lingering from pregnancy. Not too shabby considering I had two back to back, rough pregnancies.  But I need to get my strength back. It's hard having an aching back all the time. It's hard to feel my entire body jarring when I'm running after my toddler. It needs to change. I don't need to be ripped. But I do want to be strong enough and quick enough keep up with these little dudes.

I've been hovering around 175 for the past few months so I think I've lost everything  gonna lose just doing the bare minimum, which is lifting every now and then and running when I feel like it. Not very consistent...and consistency is key. 

Sooooo...Operation: Hot Mother, it is!!!

Balance

I've spent this week sick with mastitis, thrush, a tummy bug and just plain exhaustion. My milk supply has taken a,pretty big hit as a result. I'm struggling with that fact more than I thought I would. I went from a definite 60 ounces a day to barely 50. Yes. I know that's still an oversupply. But even though I'm straggling awith the loss, I'm not sure I want to try to get it back. I'm so tired. I've pumped longer than I thought I would be able to. And I have ato least 3 months of frozen milk in my stash. That's way more than I thought I could save up.

Bottom line is I'm so damn tired. This week has been a huge eye opener for me.  My body basically told me I need to do something different because what I'm doing isn't working. A lot of times, I end my day with trying to squeeze in last minute things. I always feel like I could have done more. But I need to remind myself that I've done enough. At the end of the day, my kids are fed and happy.

Of course that's easier said than done but we've already made a few changes. I've dropped the middle of the night pump. We've just been bringing Malc I told bed with us and we're transitioning him into the cosleeper. It's helping a bit.

I'm just so tired. My body is tired. My husband is tired. This is a rough time right now. It'll get better. But damn, it's hard to find a little balance right now.

Fit Nessa Update

OK so a little fitness update!  I've been at the gym working out since a little before Christmas. It's been hard to realize how far I've slipped but so amazing to feel my strength and endurance slowly returning. I still thoroughly hate running but that's why I think it makes a great goal to do a half marathon.  I'll push through and maybe I'll end up liking it. Who knows?

I've missed weight training so much! I don't miss the a-holes that thunk they own the weight room. Look. I know I'm smooshy and lifting little piddly weights but I just had two babies cut out of my guts back to back. And that's not even taking into account the pregnancies and how fun those were. So cool your biscuits and have a little etiquette in the weight room. Ugh.

Anyway!! I've had a few non scale victories since starting back up. When I first hopped on the treadmill, I struggled to run 8 minutes consecutively at a slow pace. I've worked up to 25 minutes straight at 5mph. That's still kind of a slow mile but it's getting better!  I was around a 10-11 minute mile prior to pregnancy so I'd like to work my way back to that.

As far as weight lifting goes, my weights are steadily increasing.  That initial soreness has faded. I still get sore obviously but there's something about that first lift back that tears you up. Lol!

And as far as the scale goes, I'm hovering between 178-180. It's slowed down for now but I'm happy with my progress since having Malcolm. I've dropped about 45 lbs since having him.  I know a lot of that was water and baby, but I didn't drop that fast with Mase and I'm even lower than I was when I got pregs with Malc.

But honestly, while it's nice to see that number go down a bit, it's not really what's the most important. It's the non scale victories I care about right now. My weight will do what it's gonna do.

The eating part has been a little more difficult to juggle since I'm pumping 60 oz of milk a day. I tried eating healthier but had a hard time getting my calories in for the day and saw a drop in my supply. I'm going to try to add two protein shakes a day in with banana and blueberry yogurt and almond milk in hopes that I can eliminate the extra crap I'm eating to get those extra calories. We'll see how it goes.

That's all I got for now!

Hi Blog!!!

Why hello, blog! It's been a while. 

First off, motherhood is amazing! It's hard and messy and there are no instructions, but it is the most rewarding thing I have experienced in my life. But then again, it's what I've always wanted.  There are absolutely hard days. But everyday is filled with so much love and micro-victories! I love my boys so much! Mason is his own little tornbado of a boy! Exploring and learning and making me laugh everyday! And Malcolm is smiling and happy and making lots of different sounds! He still likes to be held 24/7 and cannot keep a paci in on his own so that can be a bit of a challenge but just a little one. 

Garrett is back at work full time and it's been a hard adjustment for me.  Adjusting to my role as a stay at home mom has been a little more difficult than I expected. Don't get me wrong!!! I am soooo thankful so be able to stay home with them and I don't want to change it. We are so lucky that we are able to swing it. But I'm trying to hang on to the parts of my that make me ME. I was able to paint a few Christmas presents for people but haven't been able to find time since. I'm seeing my tattoo clients go elsewhere, which, I won't lie, stings a bit but I absolutely understand why they would. I mean, I have no clue when I'll get to work again so obviously, I can't expect people to wait when I can't give them a concrete answer.

So no art and no tattooing.  Sometimes I feel like that part of me is lost. But with that being said, I am working out again so that helps me feel like that other side of me isn't completely lost.  It helps give me that piece of myself that is still just mine! I love sharing every moment of me with my kids and my hubs, but having that hour I get to be Nessa again helps my sanity. 

My good Friend just went through this (having babies back to back) and it helps to talk to her. She reassures me that the first year really is a blur and things level out. So I'm holding out faith that I will get to tattoo again. And that I will get to paint again. Sooner rather than later.  So for now, I'm focusing on the joys and challenges of bring a mom. And focusing on getting back into shape and training for a half marathon! 

I've said before when I was going through infertility that I would give up art to be a mom and that still hasn't changed.  Being a mom trumps painting any day. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it! 

Being a Mom...

I've spent the last few days recovering from a tummy bug. And although it's been less than fun, it's the first time I've slowed down in over 2 months. It was probably my body telling me not to forget about myself.

However, it got me thinking about all those little things I do every day.  Things I don't give myself credit for.  At the end of the day, sometimes I feel I didn't do enough. But my day is FILLED with little acts of love. Every second of every day, I'm doing things that hopefully make my boys feel loved and cared for.

Being sick has made me realize that, yes, I absolutely do need that time during the day to remember that I need some TLC too. But it's also got me missing those little things I do every day. What it is to be a mom.

Being a mom is holding a pacifier in your new baby's mouth while simultaneously trying to sneak in a few Z's.

Being a mom is taking a bite of the soggy gross half eaten cracker your toddler is so excitedly shoving in your face and trying to share.

Being a mom is watching Robin Hood 3 times a day since your baby was old enough to focus.

Being a mom is pacing your hallways and living room at 3 a.m. in an effort to console your newborn who just can't seem to adjust to this great big world.

Being a mom is cutting your toddlers dinner into chewable pieces and still worry about choking because he grabs 4 of those tiny pieces at a time.

Being a mom is having cold dinner every night.

...or shoveling your dinner in your mouth at lightning speed while you have a minute in between diaper changes.

Being a mom is melting at the simple gesture of your baby reaching their hand up to you while they sleep on your chest.

Being a mom is tripping over the same damn noise making toy 50 times a day. And also putting away said toy 50 times a day.

Being a mom is knowing all the words and singing along with every singing toy your kid has.

Being a mom is having your arm completely fall asleep while your baby sleeps on it and just sucking it up because he's finally asleep.

Being a mom is having entire conversations with your toddler as they babble excitedly all the jibberish they can think of.

Being a mom is sitting on the floor with your toddler and trying to read to them but only getting a few lines out before he comes and takes it to "read it himself."

Being a mom is loading your kids in and out of car seats multiple times a day.

Being a mom is making sure you don't leave the house without snacks.

Being a mom is obsessing over that tiny red bump on your baby's face.

Being a mom is wishing you could take any and all pain your child us feeling away and feeling crushed and helpless because you can't.

Being a mom is hearing your kid belly laugh and thinking there is no better sound in the world.

Being a mom is seeing peril everywhere in your house when your baby starts walking.

Being a mom is spending a busy tired day just wanting a "little breather" and then when you finally get one, all you can do is talk or think about your kids.

Being a mom is squeezing in 15 minutes of painting while your babies are somehow napping at the same time.

Being a mom is having cracked/dry/bleeding hands from washing and sanitizing bottles 50 times a day.

Being a mom is living your day in 3 hour increments so you can make sure your home in time to pump.

Being a mom is having to make loose plans with people because you can't ever be sure when your kids will nap or if they are going to have a bad day or be sick.

Being a mom is texting your mom friends for ideas at random hours because your child is teething and you've tried everything and they are still miserable.

I could honestly keep going all day about what I've learned about being a mom is my very short time as a mom so far. And I'm sure this list evolves with every passing year. I'm sure I could write a list when my boys are in their 30's and still have just as much to say. But the bottom line is, being a mom is filled with so many small gestures of love every day.  I think those are the important ones.  Those are the things that make our children feel safe, happy and loved.

Being a mom is tiring, exhausting, and full time but it is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't change a fucking thing. I am beyond blessed to be able to experience motherhood and all the little things that make up being a mom.

Stretched too thin

I'm feeling a little worn out. Yeah yeah...I have a new baby...it's to be expected.  But I literally have not slept more than 3 hours, maybe 4 hours at a time since Malcolm was born.  And probably even before then since the last few months of pregnancy are so much fun and you have to pee every 3 minutes. 

Honestly, it's not just the sleep deprivation (though, let's be honest, that doesn't help) but I feel like I'm being stretched too thin.  I have no time to be "Nessa." I'm always "mom." Don't get me wrong!  I WANT to be mom 99% of the time.  And i know these early months are tough, especially when you have a 1 year old on the mix. And i do know it will get better. I just have to keep myself from breaking before I get to that point.  I remember the early texts from Kari last year when she was at this stage. You feel like you're always screwing someone over.  

This morning, my usually non-snuggly boy came to sit on my lap while he ate his snack and watched Robin Hood. I was absolutely in hog heaven. About a minute into our snuggle, guess who became distraught with hunger. Yup. The littlest.  So I felt I just couldn't win thus morning.  I had set Malcolm down for a minute to get a few moments in with Mase. But by doing that, Malcolm got upset. So I had to move Mase so I could go feed the little one. I have almost no time to be a wife. And even less time to be Nessa.  

I'm really hoping taking an hour to work out will help me feel a little less stretched too thin. Even as I take a few minutes to write this, I'm holding a paci in with my pinkie and playing with Mase with my foot. 

I need a recharge during the day. Bad. Of course with it being Christmas time, and with me needing dental work, we have no extra money for me to take my gym membership off of hold. And any spare moment I have goes to painting Christmas presents. Working out at home is not an option right now. Mentally, it just work. Too much happening in my house to focus. I need to leave the house. I need a gym right now. At least until I get in the habit of allowing myself an hour a day to recharge my mom batteries.

I loooove being mom! It's my favorite thing in the whole world!!!!  When I'm not with my boys, I miss them terribly. Even if it's just for a few hours. But I still need a moment to remember my identity outside of mom. I never understood this as an infertile woman. But I get it now.

Pre Pregnancy Weight

Welp.  There it is! 7 weeks post partum and back to my pre pregnancy weight (with Malcolm, anyway. I still have 30 lbs to lose to get to pre Mason weight. But I'd say I'm doing pretty dang good. I'm taking my gym membership off of suspension for December. I should have my post partum checkup this week and get the ok to hit the gym again! It's time.

I still have a long ways to go but I'm so proud of this saggy, stretched out body. So I will embrace it at every stage while I am working on regaining my strength!

Overwhelmed!!!!!!

I'm still adjusting to this crazy life of having my 2 amazing boys! I won't lie, it tough some days. But I so love being a mom!  I'm just struggling a bit on finding a little "me time" during my day.  Just an hour or so where someone doesn't need something from me.  I think I will be a better mom if I get that time in there!

I've officially hit my 6 week mark, however, my OB is right in the middle of moving practices.  So I have to wait a bit for my follow up. I cannot wait to start working out again, especially knowing I am done having kids. My body is my own again!!!  Well, aside from pumping milk for Mr. Malcolm. And, ooohh myyy Godddd, will I be happy when I can quit that!!!  I'm pumping every 2-3 hours, or at least that's what I shoot for, and I am producing a shit ton of milk. Don't get me wrong. I am beyond thankful for that because with Mason, I struggled to pump even an ounce by about 2 months. And as of right now, I'm pumping about 50-60 oz a day.

But...

I HATE PUMPING! My boobs are trashed.  They are sore and my nips hurt. Having your boobs sucked halfway down a funnel a million times a day is not a good time. Plus, it's insanely inconvenient when caring for 2 boys. But, it's all for my little man.  I feel a bit more pressure to make it work this time than I did with Mason because keeping Malcolm healthy is vital. It could affect his surgery date if he isn't healthy enough or at a goods weight! So while it won't be the worst thing in the world of my supply runs out (Mase was a formula baby and did just fine), I just would like Malcolm to have the benefits of breast milk at least until his surgery in May.  But the though of pumping until then makes my boobs want to shrivel up and fall off.

In other news, I had sort of a meltdown this morning. I got super overwhelmed. I felt like I was only doing a mediocre job at everything; being a mom, wife, cleaning, making sure kids have clean clothes...  G does his fair share too, but he works so I tend to do most of the housework. It just works out well that way for us.  But today, G asked me to get WHOLE wheat bread instead of just "wheat" bread and I broke down. I took it as me not being good enough. I was already feeling overwhelmed. Malcolm does not like to be set down...at all. So when I set him down, he cries and I feel like a shitty mom. But when I'm holding him nonstop, I feel like I can't play with Mason or address his needs fully and that makes me feel like a shitty mom. It doesn't always feel this way but some days are just harder than others. I know it will get easier as Malcolm gets a little older and even a little more independent.  But right now, some days are just freaking hard.

And then I haven't slept in the same bed as G for about a month because one or the other of us is on Malcolm duty at night! And since he's at a stage where he just cries nonstop if you set him down, whoever is on Malcolm duty stays in the living room on the couch with him.  I don't feel comfortable having him sleep in our bed with us because G is a HEAVY sleeper.  So until Malcolm gets to the point where he will sleep in the co sleeper or rock and play, this is how we all get the most sleep...which still isn't very much, honestly. So I feel like I'm neglecting my hubs on top of being a bad mom.  Me and G still need time to be a couple and not just mom and dad.  I think that is important for our relationship too.

Like I said, I don't feel like this every day and I do know I'll find my groove but it's all still so new and I feel overwhelmed a lot right now!  I think that's why taking an hour a day and working out or going to the gym will really help.  I'll have that time to just focus on myself and to remind myself that while being a mom is by far, my favorite part of me, it's not the ONLY part and I deserve a little time to myself once in a while.  And then I can get back to the craziness of my family with hopefully a refreshed state of mind.

Anyway, I should be using this time to sleep so I'm gonna go do that.

The Boys

Pictures of the boys done by James Ridle!!!!  In love with all of them!!! 

Checking in!!! I'm still alive!!!

Hi! I'm still alive!!!!

As you can imagine, it's been a whirlwind since being home. At the moment, both boys are napping so I'm taking a bit of time to update.

We have struggled a lot with Malcolm's cleft palate and feeding. I knew it would be more difficult, but I guess I just didn't realize how much!  Immediately when we got home, both boys got colds. For Malcolm, it was pretty scary because that cleft palate could potentially cause major issues since his sinuses are more open and obviously more susceptible to infection! Luckily, we got by with no major infections this time. But we are really hoping he stays healthy at least until his surgery.  Otherwise, we may have to push it back and I'd really rather get it over with as soon as possible.

The major issue we had with him after we got home was weight gain. We left the hospital with basically no info and no one to call for support with his cleft palate! Luckily, an amazing nurse from the special needs pediatric department called us to check how we were doing! I was fighting back tears as I was talking to her on the phone because we had been so worried. Malcolm was basically peeing orange, which means dehydration and he was not getting any milk from a bottle or my boobs. The nurse had us come in immediately, even stayed late for us. She showed us how to use a special bottle that allows us to actually squeeze the milk into his mouth so he isn't relying on just his suck alone. Often with cleft palate, even with a great suck, they can't get a good seal in the back of the throat. It's been explained to me as trying to suck liquid through a straw with a hole in it. But that bottle has basically been a life saver and that nurse has kept in contact with us since then. I am so thankful for people like that that go above and beyond and truly care.  Because we were feeling so lost!

She also got us all hooked up with the proper paperwork to attend the cranialfacial clinic next week at Dr. Santins practice. They will have surgeons, speech therapists, orthodontists, and all the other professionals required for cleft lip/cleft palate patients. We will mostly be talking with Dr. Santin and speech therapists since Malcolm's cleft is just in the soft palate. But I'm looking forward to getting some more information about all of this. I wish it weren't an issue at all, but since it is, the more information we have the better.

We are adjusting slowly to having 2 boys! When G goes back to work, I'm not sure how realistic it will be for me to continue pumping. It's already such a pain in the ass to stop what I'm doing every 2-3 hours and hook my boobs up to the torture device.. Oh, I mean breast pump for 20 minutes. I do have a nice supply of breast milk building up in the fridge though. I'm really trying to make it work though because for Malcolm especially, it would be beneficial for him to get some of my immunities from the breast milk until his surgery! We'll see how it goes though. Just one more thing for men to stress about, I suppose.

My eyeballs ache, I'm so tired. But I wouldn't change it for anything. I've wanted this exhausted to the bone feeling for many years and I finally have it! That's not to say it isn't really hard! I mean, I fell asleep feeding Malcolm last night! I woke up and the bottle was hanging out of the corner of his mouth. Lol. I've had nights where I've cried out of pure frustration and stress of not knowing what the hell I'm doing. I don't think I've slept longer than an hour or 2 at a time since I've been pregnant with Malcolm.

But it's all so worth it and I love my boys to pieces. When I look at Malcolm sleeping peacefully or when I hear Masons amazing belly laugh, I forget how exhausted to the bone I am because my babies are all I've ever wanted and they are finally here. And I know in the grand scheme, it's such a short time and while I can say I won't enjoyu every second of motherhood, I CAN say I will appreciate every second...the good and the not so good.

The Aftermath

Here's the aftermath of my 2 boys. Stretch marks. Saggy skin hanging over my C section scar. And 40 pounds heavier from my beginning weight in 2013. And guess what.

I love it. I'm thankful I was able to carry my boys.  I'm thankful for the experience, as hard as pregnancy was for me. And the toll it tool on my body was well beyond worth it. I know I will get discouraged trying to get back into shape, but even so, I still love this body for giving me such an amazing gift; my family.

My body will slowly transform down the road ad I work to become strong again, but it will never look the same as it did before my boys and I'm actually thankful for that.  They are my "battle scars" and will be a constant reminder of what it went through.

So there it is. No filter or anything. Just my stretched out, mangled postpartum body in all its gloriousness!

Birth Story

Well..he's here!!!  After a very long, difficult pregnancy, our Mr. Malcolm is here.  He also didn't want to wait, just like big brother. Only there was a very big sense of urgency this time.  When I went into labor (at 37 weeks) with Mase, it was pretty slow going.  It was pretty casual going into the OR for the c section. With Malcolm, it was freaking intense!!!!  I'll just start at the beginning.

So we had put Mason down for bed and I decided to go lay down as I was feeling a bit crampy/contracty.  I didn't feel like then contractions were too crazy. I had nights before when I felt more contractions than I had that night.  But I noticed that I was having a few that were aa bit more intense so I casually thought, hey, I'll just track for a bit to see how frequently I'm having them.  I rolled to my side, opened my contraction tracker on my phone and tracked one contraction and then felt a little "gush." But I knew right away what it was. Think of when you are having a heavy period and you stand up and feel a gush.  But I knew when I stood up, there was going to be more.  I just didn't know it would be THAT much more!  Holy!!!  I stood up and bam!!!  It was like niagra falls!!!  It felt so gross!  There was all this warm liquid that just kept coming!!!!!  Any time I thought it was done, I'd move a bit and a bunch more would come out!

Anyway, so I waddled to the bathroom, telling G on the way that my water broke. He jumped to action and called his parents to come grab Mase while I changed into something dry. When G's parents showed up, we took off to the hospital. About halfway there, I knew how fast labor was progressing!  My contractions started to get pretty intense.  By the time we got checked into the hospital, I couldn't talk through my contractions and was having them about every 2 minutes. They started to get more and more intense and closer together. Soon, they were back to back. I was experiencing transition labor. Malcolm was coming and they FINALLY rolled me into the OR and I cannot tell you now hard it was to sit still while contracting back to back as they were trying to do my spinal. I told the OB that I felt so much pressure and was going to need to push soon!!! But they FINALLY got the spinal in and I felt instant relief! I was soooo sweaty at this point from the intense, quick labor that my skin was drenched and so was my hair? They had ton add a shit ton of medical tape just ton get my iv to stick.

They let G back in and he told me I was an entirely different person than when they rolled me in there. Once the c section started, the OB informed me that I was all the way dilated and that Malcolm may have very well been a vaginal delivery had we waited just a little longer.   They pulled Malcolm out and we heard his beautiful cry. I cannot explain how amazing that sound is.  There is no experience to even compare it to.  It is just one of the most beautiful moments I've ever experienced...with both kids!

After Malcolm's birth, the OB asked if I was sure about getting my tubes tied and after what I had just experienced, shit yeah, I was sure. Double knot those suckers!!!

I did get to see Malcolm in recovery, so that was a nice change from Masons birth experience!  They rolled me back into our room after 30 minutes in recovery where I was insanely shaky.  It eventually wore off but it was really annoying.

So that's that. It was quite the whirlwind. A little after Malcolm was born, we noticed he was making these gasping/gurgly type sounds.  We mentioned it to the nurse and she found a cleft in his soft palate.  Basically, it is part of the roof of his mouth that didn't form so it's just a big hole in the back of his throat! This has created lots of struggles with eating.

It bothers me a bit because it seems like people try to downplay this issue a lot.  I'm aware that it is not the worst thing ever but I cannot tell you how hard it was to be sent home from the hospital with hardly any information on cleft palate.  They push breastfeeding so damn hard that we weren't given information about how cleft palate can make breastfeeding very very difficult. In fact, we were told the opposite...that it could help with cleft palate.  Well, guess what. It didn't and our baby lost over a pound and we were at home with no resources other than the internet and that can be a terrifying amount of information to try and sort through.  Plus, who knows if it's a credible source or not!

So we suffered through a few nights of trying to figure out how to help our boy eat. He was a screaming mess. He couldn't get a good enough seal on the bottle or breast to actually suck anything out. He was peeing orange, meaning he was dehydrated, and he was losing weight fast.

Luckily, someone from the special needs clinic called us to check on us and thank the sweet lord she did!!!  She had us come in to get a specialty bottle that was designed specifically for babies with cleft palate.  Since that day, our little guy has been so content and is slowly gaining weignt.

Now why the hell weren't we informed about this bottle before we left the hospital?!? It would have saved a lot of pain and suffering.  But nooooo! If they suggest a bottle, that means I won't be breastfeeding. Ugh. Guess what. I don't care about breastfeeding. I just want my baby to be able to eat.  Anyway, so now I'm pumping and using the bottle to feed him and life is better for everyone!!

Ok. Well that's all I'm going to do for now. I keep trying to fall asleep so I'm going to let myself doze off for a bit with my baby!

Broken Record

I feel like I should update this thing but I'm just not sure what to say anymore without just repeating myself.  I am 37 weeks and 3 days today, which is where I was when I had Mase.  So after 11:45 pm, this will officially be the longest I've been pregnant

I'm just doing the waiting game now.  I'm achy.  My back is killing me. I'm exhausted.  My crotch is sore and don't even get me started on the pressure in my pelvic region! I'm dealing with constipation.  And still with the horrid heartburn.  I must have had 40 bottles of tums during this pregnancy.  My face is swollen along with my legs and...well, everything else.  And in the last few days, I've really noticed the carpal tunnel flaring up. Yay.  And I feel like I spend all day trying not to fall asleep while I spend all night TRYING to fall asleep.

But...

I've been reflecting, especially since last week.  I installed Malcolm's carseat and for whatever reason, that's what made it real for me.  I mean, really real.  Like this is happening in less than two weeks!  I sat there looking at both carseats in our truck and was hit with this wave of absolute and utter gratitude.  2 years ago, I had almost no hope left of having even 1 child.  And here I am only 2 years later, about ready to bring home baby boy #2!  It's incredible.  We are days away from being done building our family!  While it is bittersweet, I am so ready to just embrace the next phase.

The last 2 years have been tough.  I feel like Masons pregnancy was mentally challenging and Malcolm's was more physically challenging.  But even with all the hiccups, scares and challenges of pregnancy, I am still thankful for the experience as I am fully aware, that many are painfully denied this experience.  But I can also now appreciate that pregnancy is damn hard! And stressful.  And just because you are not a fan of pregnancy, that does not mean you can't appreciate the experience and be absolutely thankful for the end result!  If I ever said anything during infertility to invalidate a pregnant woman's feelings, I sincerely apologize.  I can admit when I am wrong...and I feel i may have been wrong in certain cases.  Was it hard to hear someone complain about something I would do anything for? Absolutely.  But that doesn't mean they aren't allowed to have a hard time too. Pregnancy is hard.  I think the key is to just know who you are complaining to.  Talk to someone who can relate.

Anyway.  See. I'm repeating myself!  I know I've talked about a lot of this stuff already.  I just feel like I might not be writing in here too much more until after Malcolm and wanted to have at least one more entry!  However, now, it's sleepy time...hopefully!!!!

So poor...

Alright, Mr. Malcolm.  I'm ready!  I technically have 2.5 days left until I'm 37 weeks (aka, full term) but he's measuring a week ahead. So I'm ready.  I'm sooooo ready.

Today was so stressful. It really made me realize how much work our health care system needs.  I won't go into all the boring details but I'll just say that Garrett and I have not had a chance catch up, financial for years.

Hardly anything was covered through infertility treatments.  We knew and accepted this. We gave up traveling and vacations so we could pursue treatments. Then when we finally get pregnant, we have the most expensive, high risk pregnancy known to man. Then I get pregnant unexpectedly, which is automatically high risk. Plus the other issues I experienced during this pregnancy ate much of our money...not to mention I haven't been able to work much of this pregnancy and a lot of the last one too. And the icing on the cake? I went to try and get me teeth fixed today and found out that it's going to be at LEAST $2000...out of pocket. Probably going to be closer to $5000.  Who has that kind of effing money?!

Siiiggghhhhh....

This is another reason why I'm getting my tubes tied.  People ask me if I'm sure I'm done or they'll tell me I'll change my mind but I won't.  Because not only do I make a terrible pregnant person, but we want to be able to provide comfortably for our boys.  And we'll be able to do that once we "catch up" on the last 9 years.  I know there will always be financially setbacks but we are completely depleted right now.

It just shouldn't be this hard to make ends meet.  Somethings gotta give...

So, Malcolm, mommy is ready when you are.  I think you'll be cheaper to take care of once you are on the outside.

Feeling Excited for Fitness!!!

I am daydreaming of being active again!!!  Of having energy again!!  And of getting my ass kicked again. I know it's going to be hard. Especially with my 2 Beebees. But I've done many difficult things in my life and I know being healthy is one of those things that is worth it and will ultimately benefit me and my family.  G and I have agreed to set up times that we can each set aside to dedicate to ourselves.

I am also being realistic.  I know i won't has as much time and/or energy like I did before so I will try not to get impatient and frustrated (yeah right. Lol)  But seriously, I'm going to get back to it without the expectation that I will "bounce back" quickly.  So many told me I would last time, and I didn't, despite my efforts.  I was told the weight would "fall right off" and I hardly loat any after 1 week post partum.

I should have known better though. I don't want to use pcos as an excuse as to why I lose weight slowly, but I think there may be something to that.  It took me a long time to lose weight before so I'm just going to do what I did before and put the scale away and focus on non scale victories. I have my fit bit ready to go again for when it's time as an extra little motivation. But the real motivation are my boys. And how amazing I feel when I am working on improving myself.

For now, I'll sit back and try to enjoy my last couple weeks for pregnancy. Then I'll focus on my recovery and figuring out how to juggle my babies. THEN I'll add in the fitness aspect.  I'm hoping that by having some decent premade frozen meals, I can at least get back on board with the nutrition part.

36 Weeks!!!

Kids and Football

I'm not into sports. I never really have been. But it had never crossed my mind to not allow my boys to play football.  However, that is where Garrett and I ate at right now.

Garrett, being from a small town, was into sports.  He was especially into football.  As a result, he had several concussions before the end of his high school days and I'm not sure how many other injuries that still affect him today, including a shoulder injury. All this before the age of 18. And for what?  He certainly doesn't make a living off of football.  A ll he has to show for such a rough sport is a 24/7 headache that he is convinced is from those numerous concussions he had.  He's lived with this headache for almost 4 years now. It doesn't go away. Ever.  He's been to about every specialist, including the Mayo clinic. Nothing has helped.

Aside from just Garretts stuff, I've seen stories in my news feed of MIDDLE SCHOOL football players being taken off the field on stretchers amd taken to the ER.  High school students with multiple reoccurring injuries.  Fresh college students whose potential football careers ended before they could even begin because they've injured themselves so much and had to have multiple surgeries in such a short amount of time.

I swear I'm not going to be that parent that never let's their child do anything fun because they **might** get hurt.  But Garrett has opened my eyes to how scary football can be.  There's no reason he should be showing my videos of gradeschoolers playing full contact football and knocking each other out.

Garrett lives every day with a headache
We don't want that for our boys.  They can play baseball, basketball, track, golf, you name it. Just not football. I know injuries occur in any sport, but at least they aren't throwing themselves full force at one another intentionally.  

I also want to clarify that I don't think it's wrong for people to allow their kids to play football.  So please don't think that.   There are plenty of kids who play football and are perfectly fine!!!  =)  Garrett just feels very strongly about this and I can't blame him. So I'm backing him 110%.  But I don't think I'm better than anyone else, or that you're a horrible person if you do. This is just one thing we are choosing to be the overprotective parents about!

Things Pregnant Women Don't Need to Hear

Why is it people feel the need to tell you the most horrific stories about pregnancy/birth when you are pregnant yourself?! Someone posted a story and before it even starts, it addresses new mothers and pregnant women. So I thought, oh hey. I'm pregnant. I should read this.

Nope. I should not have read it. It had a great moral for new mothers. Pregnant women? Not so much.

**If you're pregnant, you might want to skip the rest of this post so you can be saved the anxieties that I will now have every day until this baby comes.**

The story is about this poor woman, bless her heart, who was towards the end of her pregnancy, went to bed with her baby in her belly kicking away. Woke up the next morning and her baby had just stopped moving. And had died overnight with no warning.  I stopped reading there in an attempt to forget what I had just read.

My heart goes out to this woman.  And I understand that she's wanting others to appreciate what they have.  But this is the last thing my already anxious pregnant self needs to read. I had nightmares about losing my baby last night.  Then I woke up and Malcolm didn't move for about 30 minutes.  He was probably sleeping, but in my mind, he was dead.  I have 25 more days of this now thanks to that fucking article.

As a new mom, I could see this article helping put a little positive spin on those nights that seem endless, and make you hug your baby a little tighter. But, how does this info benefit an expecting woman who probably already has a whole shit load of anxieties as it is?

I could just be overly sensitive.  I hardly sleep as it is. Now I'm so paranoid that if Malcolm doesn't move ever couple minutes, I start to panic.  Ugghhh....

So glad I'm almost done.  My nerves can't take much more.